Till Text Do Us Part
Marriage is a concept as old as history itself. Text messaging, on the other hand, is a little over twenty years young. But the thing about us humans is that we have the capacity to adapt. And adapt we do. Today texts are so intertwined with all aspects of life that even couples married prior to the texting age probably don't remember how they kept their holy unions afloat without them. Others probably wish that "texting while married" was outlawed. Which type of married texter are you?
The Indecisive Decider
"What do you want to eat tonight?" is a tough enough question face to face. Over a text it's damn near frightening. You've been married for years, yet you still want to surprise your partner, to show him you can still be spontaneous. But wait...Is that taco place still open? Do they charge for each additional topping at Pizza Bob's? Will Indian food make your husband gassy all night long? These are the questions that keep one up at night.
The Missing Person
Here's the thing: You know his ringer is on because every time a fantasy football update comes in he responds to the beeping in under 10 seconds. But now that you really, really, reallllllly need him, it's like he's in another part of town. He wouldn't leave you with the kids without saying anything. So why is that jerk ignoring you? And what the hell are those kids screaming about? Dang it, Derek!
The Bashful Tough Guy
Obviously, he has to look tough around his buddies, and the kids…and neighbors, coworkers, relatives, his doctor, construction workers, census takers, dog walkers and servers. But when it's just the two of you in the privacy of your own phones what excuse does he have? Maybe you should ignore it and learn to pick your battles, or maybe he should grow up for two seconds. Hah! Like that's going to happen.
The Inside Jokers
Question? Is it possible for you and your husband to have a text conversation that's so cutesy and inside-jokey that even you don't understand it? The answer is 100%, most definitely, YES! Here's a little experiment: Go back six months and re-read some of your conversations. Here's betting that you only understand about 1/3 of them.
He's cocksure, bold, nerdy, crass and headstrong; that's why you love him. However, if he could only tone it down about 8% your marriage would be perfect. But that's not going to happen, so maybe you should try toning it up about 4% and see if the two of you can't meet nicely in the middle.
(The thing is, he probably would've gotten some after that promotion if he hadn't so brashly assumed it. Now there's absolutely no chance. Better luck next time, Doug!)
There's not even an alternate universe where he could've possibly not seen your text for over 7 hours! He didn't want to do it, so he played possum...same as last time. When it's good news, he responds in 30 minutes or less. Unfortunately, just like a pizza delivery company, you can't always depend on speedy service. And while a pizza company might offer to comp your food, a lazy husband, on the other hand, will have to atone for his sloth-like behavior via cash, jewelry or foot massages.
Fights within a marriage are inevitable. Luckily, internal conflicts can be avoided by teaming up on a common enemy. And that common enemy is ALWAYS the kids. They don't stand a chance; you've been working on your team building exercises since long before they were even born, let alone old enough to dare break curfew. As they say, laughter is the best medicine-laughter over how screwed your kids are going to be once you're through with them!
The Cuteness Overloader
The couple that shares cute animal pictures/videos together, stays together.
The Sleeper (on the couch)
Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack! We tried to give you the kids, foot massages and cute kitty photos as scapegoats, but you wouldn't listen. You just had to go and make her mad, didn't ya? You only have yourself to blame, Jack!