Should You Let a Man Chase You First?

feeling ignored?

Should you let a man chase you? Let the advice our Dating Coach gave to this reader help you decide.

Try to Let a Man Chase You

Reader Question

Hi Lori, I met a man about a year ago; there was a lot of attraction on both sides however due to us being at a work function we just had a brief chat about work. A couple of months later we happened to talk on the phone and he said that he should have asked me out for a drink and I responded positively to that, however that drink didn't transpire until a couple of weeks ago (nearly a year later! At this point I should mention that he live about 150 miles away). We went on a date, had some drinks and tapas, surprisingly there was still a lot of attraction between us and resulted in a passionate kiss. We both expressed that the date went well and agreed to do it again. We had lunch the following day and talked about setting something up soon.

My concerns being that I feel that I am chasing him, although on our date he did say that I should have called, e-mailed or text him and that he was hoping for an invite from me. So when I did call or text he often doesn't reply or is very late in replying, to the point where I asked him if he had changed his mind. He said he hadn't, which now leads to my other dilemma!

I am hopeful about this man as we are similar in age and the more I learn about him the more I like and think we have potential for a relationship. However with us living so far apart, we plan to stay in a hotel in a city halfway or at each others house. I want to be intimate with him in the context of a relationship not just a bit of fun.

As he is not playing by any dating rules and I am in danger of becoming a stupid female chasing him. I am getting more and more confused as to the next steps I should be taking and/or if I should ask him for clarification. Please help!

~~Catherine

Expert Reply

Dear Catherine,

I loved the book He's Just Not That into You, because it says what I've been telling women for years: when a guy is 'into' you, he will pursue you. He will make time to be with you and talk with you, no matter how important his career is or how important he may think he is. When a man is into a woman, the thought of another man being with her makes him jealous. This is why he will plan dates in advance and not risk you being unavailable should he wait to long. On the flip side, when a woman is being pursued, she knows that the guy is interested in her. There is no need to guess.

Some guys are interested but lack the confidence or sometimes the skill to demonstrate their interest in a particular woman. So, for this guy, a little encouragement can go along way. In this situation, once a woman opens the door for the guy, he can usually walk though on his own. There is a difference between opening the door for the guy and opening the door, grabbing his hand and dragging him through it. If you are wondering to yourself, would this guy call me, or respond to my text if I didn't ask him if he changed his mind? That is a clear message you are doing more than offering encouragement.

You state in your question that this guy is not playing by any dating rules. I beg to differ with you. He is playing by his rules. This guy is interested in you when it is convenient to his schedule. He responds to you when you question his level of interest. You are a Ms. Right Now which is OK if you have no interest in being a Ms. Right.

It is likely that as long as you do the planning and the pursuing, he will show up. This means if you are the one to plan a get-together at a city halfway between the two homes or one of you goes the full distance and stays at the home of the other, he will show up if it works around his schedule. Even if there is intimacy during this time, it is likely that his behavior toward you will not change. Meaning if he has not pursued you before intimacy, he won't pursue you after. The reason it likely won't change after sex is that sex for a man is physical and for a woman sex it is an emotional connection. If you can live with this knowledge and have no more expectation than that, then you would not be "in danger of becoming a stupid female chasing him." If on the other hand, you are holding in your heart that something romantic develops after intimacy, then yes, you risk becoming seriously disappointed.

If you want to know what his level of interest in you really is, then let him show you. Let him know that you are interested in getting together and look forward to hearing about the arrangements he has made for your next date. Likewise for communication, you only call, email, or text message in response to his initiation of communication with you. This goes ditto for communication about the get together. No hints, suggestions, and/or ideas from you about what to do, where to go or where to stay. You only respond once he notifies you of the arrangements and plans for the date he has made or if he tells you what his ideas are and asks for your feedback.

By giving him room to pursue you, you can better gauge his level of interest.

~~Lori

Was this page useful?
Should You Let a Man Chase You First?