Some people may think a woman or man who is smart, educated, caring, and still a virgin in their late twenties or early thirties is unique, or worse, abnormal. You may be surprised to know that according to a Center for Disease Control and Prevention report, 4.8 percent of women between the ages of 25 and 29 have never had sex (4.4 for men); 2.4 percent of women and 3.3 percent of men between the ages of 30 and 34 are virgins, as are 1.5 percent of women and 1.6 percent of men between the ages of 35 and 39.
Advice for Older Virgins
People who have not lost their virginity or dated prior to 30 can face many challenges, including the misguided perceptions of others. Reader SG commented about his status as a virgin and said, "I always held this with pride, but society seems bent to make it out to be weird." In a society that is far more open talking about sexual experiences in general conversation, those without such experiences can feel they have little or nothing to contribute.
Focus on Your Social Life
There is a saying: "Life is what is happening while you're making other plans." Working or being in school does not mean you have to give up dating or making friends. Just like with your studies and work, you have to balance classroom lectures or work activities with laundry and eating and sleeping, so it is fair to say you can learn to balance a social life. Plus, a social life is what will lead you to meeting some very wonderful partners. How might you meet someone? According to ReportLinker:
- Fifty-eight percent of people met their lovers in a network of friends.
- Only 19 percent of singles are registered on a dating site or app.
- Thirty-seven percent of people found someone in a bar or other social setting.
- Twenty-four percent met through family.
- Twenty-seven percent met in the workplace.
Don't Wait for THE One
Some people say they are looking for their "soulmate," as if this elusive person would be the answer to avoiding heartbreak and disappointment. LoveToKnow reader Beth commented that she's, "....always been searching for the one and am not into giving myself freely to someone who isn't right for me." The soulmate concept is often misunderstood. So what is a soulmate, anyway?
A soulmate, any soulmate, is the person in the moment that shows up to teach you what you need to know about yourself. Your soulmates have all stood in front of you, but you have not seen them. How is this possible?
- Maybe you hadn't noticed them because you avoided dating in high school and college or in your eary career in order to focus on your studies or work life.
- Perhaps dating and socializing has felt awkward.
- Maybe you looked at them differently, as just an acquaintance or a casual friend.
The truth is, the longer you go down this path of not dating, the harder it becomes to start. LTK commenter Rachel says, "It's easy to just stay single, safer, that way I can't get hurt." You have a lot of very good reasons for having avoided dating, but that doesn't make having prolonged it any easier.
How to Meet Singles Like You
According to the US census, there are over 100 million singles. The chance of you finding quality people to date is definitely achievable. However, along the way you may meet some jerks. Jerks are there to show you what you don't want in a relationship in order to teach you to identify what you do want. So how do you get started dating and socializing?
Get Out of That Rut
You get started by taking action! You are currently in a rut. You go to work or school, attend classes and meetings, and study or prepare for the office each day. Doing the same thing every day makes it unlikely you will meet or notice someone new to start a relationship with. Begin by breaking your routine.
- Go to a different coffee shop.
- Go to the library and sit at a table that has room for others to join you.
- Go to an exercise class.
- Take a new class you think you'll truly enjoy.
Do whatever takes you out of your routine. You don't have to go alone; drag your brother or sister (or a friend!) along if you need courage to get started.
Meet New People
Reach out and be open to making a connection. Every day, you come into contact with people you don't know. This means every day you have many opportunities to meet and talk with people, if only briefly.
First, identify interesting people. To do this, you'll need to learn to trust your instincts and act on your first impression. Use conversation openers to make things more comfortable. Offer a compliment, be willing to share your view, or make a request of someone while standing in line. For example, if you're in line at the coffee shop ask the person you are interested in what they have tried on the menu. You may not always feel like talking to new people, and it will take some effort to move past that inertia, but the rewards will be worth it.
"The issue with me like most is that I am very shy when it comes to talking to guys..." notes reader RossyPossy. If this sounds like you, consider using an online service. There are many dating services out there. Some connect people by personality likeness, others by a common interest, and each has various screening tools. The benefit of using an online service is that it's a way to slow down the process of meeting people, which can be a plus to individuals who find the fast pace of meeting someone in person a little overwhelming. Online dating allows you to select potential dates, talk via email, and then work up to meeting in person.
Enjoy Your Time as a Virgin
Remember, while it might seem that everyone's idea of a great time, a happy life, or a fun weekend involves sex, that's not always the case. Don't worry that that level of intimacy hasn't happened for you yet. It will eventually, and you don't need to stress about becoming a 31-year-old virgin. In the meantime, enjoy your time with friends who share the same interests and hobbies as you, check out museums and events in your area, and take yourself on dates.
There's still plenty of time to find that special someone you will want to lose your virginity to and by just enjoying your life as fully as you can, you're more likely to find that person sooner. Don't stress! Remember too, you're not alone in your virginity at this age, whether you're male or female.
Take Action Now
Changing your views about having a social life will mean taking action now. If you feel fear and anxiety are stopping you, consider working with a life coach, dating coach, or mental health professional to help you develop a plan of action as well as the social skills for interacting with men. Mark Twain said, "All life demands change, variety, contrast - else there is small zest to it." It's time for you to get your zest on.
Let LoveToKnow know what you think in the comment section below. Multiple readers, including Diana have commented that, "It's so nice to see I'm not alone." Share your experience, an anecdote, or general opinion on what's it's like to be or know a 30-year-old virgin.