LoveToKnow Dating:AllComments

From LoveToKnow Dating

Comments

Tafadzwa,

Don't stand by and let him hurt you. As the years go on, he could become worse. It's best to get out now. If you fear that he will come after you, there are domestic violence shelters that will protect you and he won't know where you are. Have you read our interview on WomensLaw.org? There's a lot of great information on their site that can help you.

I know that you love him...it's a very difficult situation. However, you don't have to be treated this way - you don't deserve it. You can make it on your own, you just have to take the first step.

Good luck to you...

-- Contributed by: Marcelina Hardy

I'm in an abusive relationship. I've been with him since 2006 but the beatings started this year(2009). When he gets violent, he strangles me and pushes me hard against walls. I love him but I cant go on like this. He's too jealous and possessive. He's cut off my association with friends and I'm not allowed to get calls afterhours. During the day all I get are business calls. We work together and that makes things worse. He has access to me anytime of the day. Its really hard to break up with him cause I love him. He pays my rent and I'm afraid that if i dump him he'll kick me out of my apartment. I need help!

-- Contributed by: Tafadzwa

Barb,

There is a way out and there is hope for you. Have you checked out our interview on WomensLaw.org? It's not just for teens.

You can go to a shelter without him knowing where you are...you don't need money for that. The most important thing you need to do is get yourself away from this situation. You don't deserve to spend your life with someone like this and you don't have to! I know that it's difficult to break away but once you do, you will feel so much better about yourself and your life. Take the first step and get away. Find more information on the Women'sLaw.org website.

-- Contributed by: Marcelina Hardy

My life is not worth living anymore,,I moved away from family and friends to be with him..i pay all the bills,get put down all the time.have been spit in the face,called many names and he calls my children names and hopes my daughters baby is stillborn..I dont know what to do..I can't afford to move back homes..Thanks for listening.Also he doesn't work..He gambles whatever money he gets his hands on

-- Contributed by: Barb

Hi Liz,

The first thing you should do is get away from your attacker (i.e. your partner). If you fear that your partner will hurt you if you try to leave, you can contact a women's shelter in your area that you can go to without him finding out. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Don't think of the future just yet, you need to take care of the present first. Please check out this website for more information: WomensLaw.org

-- Contributed by: Marcelina Hardy

I am in a abusive relationship. My clothes have been bleached. My property distroyed. My self esteem is lower. I never can be seem to be happy. I feel like I have nothing to give and I want to give up on him. Unfortunately, we have a child together. I know I deserve better but I'm afraid to start over. The next one could be worse. I don't know what to do.

-- Contributed by: liz

Shannon,

Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship. It seems your relationship with your partner is lacking trust. Since you are in a long distance relationship, trust is so much more important because there's no way to know what your partner is doing every minute of the day. If you are unable to let go and put faith in your partner and relationship, it may be time to end the relationship. Good luck.

-- Contributed by: Marcelina Hardy

I've been trying to leave an abusive relationship. It's also long distance. After reading the above I have a question? If you love someone, and they are spreading their energies around with others, isn't it o.k. to ask what's going on? I thought that healthy couples knew each other's friends and usually did things TOGETHER with those friends. Am I being abusive when I ask what she's doing and why she's not available? Am I abusing her when I ask her not to keep things from me...like what she's doing and who she's with? Is it abusive to try to keep your partner from pursuing attractions with others in the name of "friendship"? It gets complicated when it's a same sex relationship, but I would really like to learn my part in this.

-- Contributed by: Shannon Ehrenberg

Trouble in marriage,

Realizing that you are in an abusive relationship is the first step in getting out of it. Good luck to you and your family.

-- Contributed by: Marcelina Hardy

My husband gets mad and starts yelling really loud. It scares the kids and then he comes after me. Sometimes he does hit me and sometimes my 11 year old son jumps between us. This is not healthy and I grew up with an abrusive father myself. I know this is not good for the kids and I have to get out of this now.

-- Contributed by: Trouble in marriage

Patrick,

Unfortunately, there isn't anything more you can do in this type of situation. If the victim refuses to seek help and leave the relationship, all you can do is stand by and be a friend. Have you read our interview with WomensLaw.org on Teen Dating Violence? You will find more information to help your friend when she is ready. It's going to be difficult, but continue to support her and her decisions because she may need your help soon. Good luck to you and your friend.

-- Contributed by: Marcelina Hardy

A very close friend of mine who lives a few states away is in an abusive relationship. She gets hit often but does not believe there are any ways out of the relationship without getting hurt any more. I have done my best to get her to see things more clearly and encouraged her to go to the police but she refuses to do so. I gave her the number for the hotline and begged her to call until she agreed. I do not know if she will call and receive proper counseling but I was also looking for more information on how I can help her or what I can do to get her to receive professional help

-- Contributed by: Patrick

Scared teen mother, I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend is abusing you. I think you need to take a time out from this relationship for a while. I'm not saying breakup (yet), but give each other some space to think about each of you really feels about the relationship. He is likely stressed about being a father which is making the situation more volatile. He may be the father of your child, but you and your baby should not be treated this way. Don't be afraid to leave an abusive relationship. There is someone out there that will treat you right. If after the baby is born he continues to be abusive, tell him that you will not stay in an abusive relationship. If he continues, then either get out or see a counselor together.

-- Contributed by: Rick Fulks

I am 18years old i just graduated from high school and about to attend college i am also 9months pregnant i have been dealing with my boyfriend for about 3years now things are getting out of hand when we first meet he treated me wonderful like a queen and now he just seems angery all the time when things dont go his way or the way he wants it or if i dont wanna do things for him he gets an attitude with me and he suddnely doesnt wanna talk to me. We get into arguments all the time he wont even tll me he loves me anymore, hug me kiss me console me at all he verbal abuses me all the time when i am mad with him he doesnt take it seariously he gets mad bc im mad and when i tell him how i feel he teels me to shut up and starts getting more angerier with me he even gets in my face he's called me names bicth, slut, whore when i tell him how i feel while were arguing he's like your running your mouth shut the ... up so i do just to not make him madder my bf is 24 by the way recently he hit me for the 1st time and im 9months pregnant with his child he was abused by his step dad and his mother didnt take care of him and his 6 siblings so he took care of them even though he was a teen i just think he's angery with his life right now but taking it out on me when i have dont nothing but help him when he was in jail ealier this year i paid for his lawyer was with him every step of the way me and my family and his family didnt even help at all and now that i got him home he treating me like dirt. But he recently hit me we were arguing and i said i was leaving i grabbed my keys but he grabbed me by my wrist and said i wasnt going any where i tried to get away but he got more aggrsive he grabbed me and took me into his bedroom(his lil brother age 14 was there watching) i screamed out his lil brothers name to somehow show him to help me but he didnt he just left the room and left me i was still trying to get away so i could go home screaming let me go i wanna go home he grabs me by my neck and slams me down on the bed everytime i tried to get up and leave so finally i cant breath im crying and im blue in the face i get up for the last time and push him and i scream plz let me go home he suddnely raises his hand and hits me right in the mouth not a punch but a lil hit it didnt hurt but the point was he hit me i cried the loudest cry ever in my life bc he hurt emotionally not physically i go tot the window in the room and tried to breath bc i couldnt from screaming and crying he looks me in the face and starts to apologize and tell me he loves me and that he just didnt want me to leave but why could nt he just tell me that i am now scared if i stay with him he will get angery one day and hit my child when she is older or younger ive seen him hit his younger brother who it 11 bc he made 3 f's and i cant do this he expects me to help him get bac ok his feet bc he just got out of jail but im 40wks i can come anyday and i told him im not leaving the house bc as of right now he has no car he is suppose to come get my old one my family has done so much for him and he treats me like ... he's even told me i will do anything to hurt your feelings when we argue and u ... me off i dont care what i have to say bc thats just how i am i will never let anyone win bc thats just me and if you dont like it get the hell on im pregnant and tired i wanna be happy my family doesnt know all the stuff he does but i need to talk to someone plz write me back thanks

-- Contributed by: Scared teen mother

Kairi,

Your partner definitely has control issues. I can't judge in your letter if they are abusive, although if he is threating you verbally, that is definitely a form of abuse. I do think you need to be worried about these signs.

What your partner needs is help dealing with these controlling behaviors. If he can at least admit that he has a problem, I would highly recommend he seek counseling... and possibly you too. You may also want to ask yourself some hard questions about whether this is the kind of relationship you actually want.

In addition, I recommend you read some of the advice our experts have given these readers:

-- Contributed by: Debbie Vasen

I have been involved with this guy for a little over a year now.. However, I've been noticing a few red flags, and they're leaving me uncomfortable.

Whenever we met, I was vaguely involved in an online video game with some friends of mine. When we began dating, this was all well and fine for about a month into our relationship, when he began to make me cut back on it (when he himself had no intention to). He had me slowly quit my characters one by one... And finally he proposed that we do everything on there together - a promise which he never kept, and when I confronted him about it, he battered me down to prove me wrong and show that he should be allowed to do whatever he wanted.

So I quit this online game, which somewhat isolated me from some contacts I'd had for years. Proposing to get involved in it again makes him threaten me that he will leave me or commit suicide, and now it has moved into other things. He has had me quit my painting, and he shows a distaste for all of my art, and at one point even tried to get me to quit my beloved blog and writing. I have confronted him about this, and he tells me that I should have told him before I didn't like this (I can't tell if this is him pretending to not know, or if it's genuine, but generally speaking I've always felt that people in general don't like being told that they have to quit things that they enjoy doing). He also at times makes comments about the people I hang out with, or certain subcultures that I'm interested in...

I love him to death because he really does have some good points that at many times outshines all of the negative things, and I've made him acknowledge his behavior, but how do I honestly know that things will change? Is it even possible to heal these scars? I just want to be able to be free to have a relationship and still be my own person; is that too much to ask?

-- Contributed by: Kairi

Debbie,

Your situation sounds serious. I am forwarding your question on to our dating coach and relationship expert. You can find her column at Ask the Dating Coach.

She can usually respond to questions with seven to ten days.

-- Contributed by: Debbie Vasen

It sound like to me that, he is a very controlling man that wants things but doesn't want to give he should be thinking about his children and not himself. Children shouldn't know about the adult world until they are one. I honestly think you should get a lawyer.. all the best to you and your children

-- Contributed by: shelley

I am looking for some more information regarding abuse and divorce...this is a brief summary of my situation that I need some more help with. I have been divorced from my very abusive (sexually, physically, and emotionally) ex-husband now going on 13 years. He continues to harrass, threaten, and manipulate everyone invovled with us. the kids hate me based on all sorts of lies, he has lied to clinicians and doctors indicating to them I had a bi-polar disorder that now they refuse to see me, return calls regarding my concerns for the children, and have completely cut me out of there therapy and I quote "We are going to take Robs' information only as fact, nothing from you". He has manipulated through the court system looking like the victim and when things don't go his way, he files a police report on me for something trying to get me in trouble, which has worked numerous times in the past. He has recently threatened to kill me in front of my 8 year old in fact(who isn't his child) and the police refused to do anything about it saying it's his word against mine. they refused to take into consideration that he almost killed me 3 different occassions and there are 28 domestic violence disorderly conduct charges and 6 battery charges against him as well. I have called social services, and of course he creates the perfect family environment when they eventually go there. Things are out of control and he continues to break into my apartment, though I can't prove it, but after 20 years I know how he operates and noone else hates me that much. He continues to threaten and harrass my on the phone and through email, calling me names, insulting me, and using the kids as blackmail, not to mention all of these wonderful things he is doing in front of the children and even involving them. He allows them to read all my emails supposedly,he constantly is putting me down to the kids and so is his now wife, the girls are completely brainwashed with his nonsense and they hate me. I am the one paying for everything, I am always there, I am providing the school clothing, winter apparel, school supplies, personals, makeup, jewelry, concerts, sporting events, and anything else that they do not get at their dad's house, so I am not sure how to help my kids or respond because it is in response to his inappropriate comments. I have my ex husband sociopath raising sociopath daughters now. they are beating each other up daily, calling each other whores, sluts, ...s, ...es, and this has recently started in my home too now. My son hears themcalling me these things and he is horrified. constant chaos, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and they are not getting help at all, and the more I ask my ex to take them in for therapy and we all need it as well to work together, he bucks and his comments are, he doesn't have the time or money for that. I need help, and some suggestions here, because after 13 years I should be able to live my life without such restraints, and living in fear, losing sleep, etc. Thank you so much for your time and feel free to email me if necessary. Thanks again!

Debbie Richards

-- Contributed by: Debbie Richards
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