difficulty in “complimenting” a woman

I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “nice, full, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.

I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgemental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.

She had the classic figure of a 50’s pinup - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned.

When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman’s figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think about this?

I can see how you might have thought your words were a compliment. I can also see how this women heard those same words and took them as an insult. There is a time and a place for everything. Unfortunately your comment was at the wrong time and in the wrong place and here is why I think so. You had just met this woman. You both were at a public event. You took a casual(getting to know you) conversation and made it personal (about her) and intimate (about her body shape). And you did this before you understood what was a compliment or offensive to her. You assumed that since you meant it as a compliment, she would hear it as one, this was your mistake.

Had you gotten to know her better following the event things might have been differnt. At that point, she would have known you better and you would have gotten to know her better so your words might have sounded more like a compliment then an insult. At the very least, you would have had the opportunity to learn what words and topics she thinks are complimentary.

Just wanted to include some followup correspondence I had with Lori that you might find interesting. 

My note to Lori:
Thanks Lori!  You provided a great analysis of the situation. Like you said, I think it was largely a case of a comment made at the wrong place and wrong time. Had I gotten to know her better, I may have discovered that she was self-concious about her weight (though she was certainly not overweight) and/or has too often had to deal with men who look at her primarily in a sexual/physical way. I do have her email address and would like to contact her to explain things. She seemed more disappointed with me than angry. 

I have to blame my older sister in part for this fiasco, lol. She had told me that part of the reason I have very few dates is that I’m too reserved and shy around women and need to be a bit more forward. I guess there can be a very fine line between being forward and what’s perceived to be offensive or sleazy. Now I have to put up with her teasing me about getting slapped. You women can be merciless!

Her response:
You are welcome. It sounds like you might have a 2nd chance with this gal. So before you send an appology + explaination email, consider your sister’s advice. If you agree that you could use some advice on talking to women,you might want to get some feedback from the forum in general of you could send me a question directly in the ask the expert section. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you much happiness and success.

~Lori

scottclark82,

I think you bring up a great point about looking for advice on ways to talk to women! We certainly have some women here… how do you all want to be talked to??

Certainly this woman felt (as Lori indicated) your words were too intimate in that setting. As a woman, I could certainly relate. My body is my personal space and I don’t like people commenting on it unless I know them well.

For first meetings and dates, I would prefer comments that make me feel like the person really noticed ME. Things like, “I love the way your eyes sparkle in the moonlight,” or “You seem to know a lot about ____, can you help me with ____?” Basically, things that show you were actually paying attention!

What do some of the other women think?

I agree with Debbie about complimenting a woman.  Telling her that she is fun to be with or giving her a general beautiful comment could be considered safe. 

Don’t feel too bad about what you said, it was just taken the wrong way.  However, now you know that complimenting on a woman’s body has to be done very carefully. 

“Don’t feel too bad about what you said, it was just taken the wrong way.  However, now you know that complimenting on a woman’s body has to be done very carefully. ”

Absolutely!  In the future, I’ll definitely stay away from any comments about a woman’s physical appearance, other than something neutral like clothes, hair, etc.  At the very least, it should save me from another red cheek

Poor guy. If it’s any consolation, it wasn’t so much YOU she was slapping, it was years of cultural stereotyping and poor behavior and expectations from men and women alike. Even worse, there are some women who would smile at that compliment and say “Why, thank you!” As others have said, there’s no way to know for sure until you actually get to know her better.

For that reason, I always try and find something to compliment a person on that is both not obvious and at the same time very personal. Something like “You have a very distinctive voice; I really enjoy listening to you,” if it has to be physical, or something like “That’s a very interesting piece of jewelry; where did you find it?” This has the added benefit of being a lead in to further conversation.

But anytime I want to compliment anyone, I try to look past the obvious things like figure, hair, even eyes, and find something that is both distinct and that shows that I am actually paying attention to them, not as an object but as an individual. Looking for characteristics that most people overlook can help set you apart and also make their day.

Plus, if you compliment someone on the shape of their nostrils, they’re usually too nonplussed to take offense.

scottclark82 - 04 May 2009 06:15 PM

I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “nice, full, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.

I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgemental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.

She had the classic figure of a 50’s pinup - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned.

When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman’s figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think about this?

Dating situation can prove to be a hell like scene for the shy people. Simply working up courage to first ask out a person you are interested in can be a bit stressful on par with other things that the shy people can undertake in their lifetime. Dates can prove to be the main source of depression and stress for even a gregarious and fun loving person

I agree James,it takes a lot of courage to walk up to a stranger and talk to her or him. But then again, it wouldn’t be couragous if there weren’t any fear attached I had been in a relationship for a long time and when it ended I didn’t know how to start meeting people. I found that it easier to meet people by getting involved with an organization I believed in. I volunteered on the fundraising side. Our committee planned social events. As a volunteer working some of the events, I found it easier to talk with new people because, well that was my job.

I have a wonderful update to this story   I decided to email the woman to apologize and explain that I truly meant to compliment her and not insult her in any way.  She accepted my apology and agreed that it was a misunderstanding and offered to make good on our original plan to get together for coffee.  So we met at a coffee shop over the weekend and had a really nice conversation.  She’s a lovely woman.  We even made some tentative plans for this weekend. 

I never imagined that I would be able to salvage a date from such a fiasco.  It’s truly been a learning experience.

I have to congratulate you on being considerate and thoughtful enough to even think to call and apologize. From what I know, most men in contemporary culture would never have the fortitude to do that, so bully for you!

And even better is the fact that she accepted and the two of you continued to have good communication. It’s amazing what just being open and honest can get you…of course, as we’ve all learned, a level of tact is needed as well.

Good luck to the both of you, and thanks for the update!

I agree, calling this woman after being slapped was brave. It just goes to show that being brave can open doors! Keep us posted.

<<I agree, calling this woman after being slapped was brave. It just goes to show that being brave can open doors! Keep us posted.>>

Actually, I said that I emailed her.  Calling her would indeed be the braver act.  Email was definitely the easier option, but a perfectly fine way to contact her. I can craft my thoughts and express myself much better in an email than in a phone conversation.  It is interesting how the Internet has impacted the dating scene. 20 years ago, I would have had to either call her or write her a letter….both of those options are less preferable to email.

<<I have to congratulate you on being considerate and thoughtful enough to even think to call and apologize. From what I know, most men in contemporary culture would never have the fortitude to do that, so bully for you!>>

Thank you Gray   Again, I actually emailed her, but you do make an interesting point.  She was, in fact, very impressed that I contacted her to express my apologies for having offended her.  She found it to be very mature of me to place her well-being above any embarassment or humiliation that she may have caused me.  She even remarked that it was quite “chivalrous” and not typical of how most men would respond.  So, maybe the upshot of all of this is that some old fashioned chivalry can go a long way in the dating game

It’s definitely a romantic gesture on your part to extend the contact and to apologize for the perceived insult.  Hopefully this will be a story the two of you can laugh about some day.

The best thing you can possibly say is (after looking at her from top to bottom ask her to twirl around so you can revel in her beauty.Best thing to say? “You look absolutely stunning…so beautiful..” Don’t mention size,or shape, just appreciate.