Contact After Breakup: How much do you help?

I just was driving home from the bank and I saw my (relatively) recent ex standing in the cold wind at the bus stop. While I realized that I had no obligation to offer her a ride, I decided to anyway.

It was a fairly cordial ride, turns out she had missed the bus so she was very grateful for the help getting her to work on time.

How much do people help out their ex’s? Do you help them move, give them rides when needed, bring them soup when sick? Or do you divide the town into each other’s stomping grounds, force your friends to take sides, and try your best just not to talk?

I think you did the right thing by stopping. I don’t think there is anything wrong with helping an ex you’re cordial with if something comes up. However, it shouldn’t be a regular thing. I would be hesitant to help with something like moving as well because the person could find someone else. As long as it’s something the ex legitimately needs YOU for…I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

I don’t think there is a right answer to your question. I would say that one should be very cautious when helping out an ex. Sometimes people aren’t over the relationship and helping becomes an extension of the relationship…a safe way to hold on to the past.

Lori, I think you’re right - while I do feel good about helping her out, I found that in the days that followed I did find myself missing her more than I had in the weeks previously, and even came up with a couple of excuses to speak to her briefly. All of which is pretty much indicative of trying to hang on to a relationship that is over, and needs to stay that way.

I’m not saying I did anything wrong - helping people is almost always the right thing. But I probably should have left it at that.

Gray, I think you bring up a good point. Is there ever a time when helping isn’t a good. Sometimes we think our intention is altruistic only to discover later on that it was a selfish act. Selfish can be a good thing and a bad thing. It can be good when our intentions are honorable. As in we don’t need or desire to be recognized for our good deed. And sometime selfish can be bad as in our intention is get someone to become indebted to us, as in I owe you one.

You won’t always know in the moment if your good deed was altruistic or selfish.

An interesting variation on that - whereas I have been feeling some discomfort and revisited unwelcome feelings after the contact, she later told me that it had been a big help for her and also helped her feel “more comfortable” (her words) around me. So it’s entirely possible that an action can be right and helpful for one person and not for the other, I guess.