Have you ever asked yourself, "What am I doing wrong in respect to dating?" In this exclusive LoveToKnow interview with Dr. Kenneth Ryan, learn the top five dating mistakes women make that cost them relationship after relationship. Have you been making the same mistakes many women have made for years? Now it's your turn to know the secret behind why some women just can't find a great relationship.
About Dr. Kenneth Ryan
LoveToKnow (LTK): How do you know so much about how women date?
Dr. Kenneth Ryan (KR): My wife and I have counseled engaged couples about sex for over 10 years. We have two daughters in college and one in high school. I have spent my adult life surrounded by women and I understand the yearning of most young women to be loved and cherished by a great guy. The intense desire for a relationship is universal.
Top Five Dating Mistakes According to Dr. Kenneth Ryan
LTK: What are the top five dating mistakes women make?
Women Give Up Too Soon – Some women feel helpless and hopeless because few men have shown interest in them and there are so many pathetic adolescent men. There are many ways a woman can improve her connections with guys and make herself more appealing. Women are not helpless or hopeless if they will learn effective communication techniques.
Women Chase Guys - Women who come on too strong look desperate and easy. Predatory males look for desperate women because these women will do almost anything to get a guy. Many men will take advantage of this weakness. Many guys find desperate women to be less appealing. Learn how to engage men without coming on too strong.
Women Are Naive About Men – Too many dangerous men are lurking out there. If a woman does not understand the risks and the huge difference between men and women when it comes to sex and relationships, she will get burned eventually. If most of her guidance for relationships comes from popular media and peers, she is working from a position of ignorance. Moviemakers couldn’t care less how your life turns out. They just want your $13 movie ticket.
Women Panic – Some women become so fearful that they will never find a guy who loves them that they abandon their convictions and make irrational, dangerous decisions. Some painful effects are immediate, while some might not surface for years.
Women Have Sex Too Early – Every woman must make her own decision and it is a huge decision. Sex is the most common and most harmful mistake women make in relationships. Sex with a boyfriend might seem romantic or exhilarating but there are hidden fangs that will cut deep. It causes an avalanche of problems, many that the woman does not anticipate. Does he love you or does he love having sex with you? Women routinely get that million-dollar question wrong – resulting in shredded female hearts. You can’t put a condom on your heart.
Repercussions of These Mistakes
LTK: What happens when these women make these mistakes?
KR: The consequences vary from mild inconvenience to divorce and abuse. Many of the consequences do not occur until years later. Many women do not anticipate the future results of their choices now. Common consequences of these mistakes are that a woman marries a man who is a poor choice or she endures a rocky marriage because the couple does not know how to grow and maintain a healthy relationship. Poor spouse choice and poor relationship building are the only two reasons for our 50 percent divorce rate.
LTK: What if a woman has already made a mistake with a man she is interested in? Is there anything she can do to redeem herself or is all hope lost for a relationship?
KR: Hope is never lost. Everybody makes mistakes in relationships and people are amazingly resilient. The first thing to do is stop making the mistake. Many women get themselves into a downward spiral fueled by low self-esteem. They believe they have low value so they will accept any man who shows attention. He makes her feel better temporarily, but after he has had sex with her for awhile, he dumps her and she feels even worse than before. To get relief for her relational pain she seeks a new guy at any cost and the cycle continues. Any woman can get a new boyfriend by tomorrow if she offers sex as part of the deal. It works so women do it. Then they wonder why their heart is shredded.
Building a healthy relationship takes work, rebuilding one takes even more work. You cannot force a man to be attracted to you or to respect you. If he does not respect you and your personal standards, there is no hope for that man in a relationship with you. There is still plenty of hope for a relationship with another man who will love you and respect your standards.
Overcoming big mistakes is a huge topic. It is all about redemption and a fresh start. Forgiving yourself and others is a spiritual issue and beyond the scope of this article but I talk more about this crucial issue on the Finding Your Prince website.
Online Dating Advice: Finding Your Prince Charming
LTK: Is online dating a good alternative to finding a date in offline places such as work, a bar, coffee house, etc.?
KR: Absolutely! How you meet someone is not nearly as important as what you do after you meet him. The ability for women to decide if a man is worth another date and knowing how to grow a healthy relationship with him are the crucial factors. Online dating is really just online meeting. Sites like eHarmony can help you find like-minded people and sort out masses of guys who would have no chance with you.
LTK: Why is it that some people have an easier time finding a date online but can't seem to find one offline?
KR: Online connections are less personal and less threatening so it is easier to break the ice and establish the first contact. In my “Toad” book I talk about practical ways a woman can break the ice and make more effective contact with guys. Many women think they know how to talk with guys but what they are really doing is talking at guys. Women can learn to talk easily and effectively with men, which will make them more successful in finding new friends (and possible dates) offline.
LTK: What are some of your tips for online dating?
KR: Use the power of the Internet to seriously sort out less desirable guys. A man’s view of sex is one of the best indicators of his character. If you decide that you will not use sex as part of your dating strategy and he considers that to be a deal breaker, you can remove him from the possibilities.
To many people this seems old fashioned. However, the opposite strategy is really an online sex service. Sounds crude, but it’s true. Does he want a serious relationship with you or just a female who will have sex with him? If you do not understand the shark infested waters, you are in for a world of dead end dates.
LTK: What are some tips for when couples take their online dating offline?
KR: Build a friendship before romance. The foundation of a healthy relationship is that you genuinely LIKE the person and enjoy doing everyday things with him. If you jump quickly to romance, you are living in an artificial world because most of real life is not romantic dates. It’s visiting relatives you might not like, fixing a chair, etc.
LTK: Do you have anything you would like to add?
KR: I know that my advice about not having sex until marriage is considered radical and old fashioned by many but it truly is the most common and most damaging mistake women are making. If you are completely confident in your dating strategy, why did you just read this article? I assume you have not successfully landed your great guy yet. If I share only advice that you already know, what have you learned from the article – nothing.
These are tough times for women. It is important to understand the dynamics of relationships or you can spend your life following dead end relationship rabbit trails. Knowledge is power. I suggest you read Finding Your Prince in a Sea of Toads to get the rest of the story. There is much reason for optimism.