Why Doesn't She Return Phone Calls

Are you wondering why doesn't she return phone calls? Is your girlfriend giving you the silent treatment? Then you will want to hear the advice our dating coach gave this reader.

I meet a gal a while ago and she and I hung out for four days straight. We went drinking together, made dinner together the whole works. Then all of the sudden she has quit talking to me. I have no idea as to what happened. I know that she is starting a new job, but she could at least respond to my phone call. I think that I at least deserve an explanation as to why she doesn’t want to talk to me any more if that is truly the case. But based on our interactions over the past four days, I would say that she was really into me and I am hoping that she is just busy. What do you think?

-- Contributed by: Bernardo

Dear Bernardo,

When I was growing up, my best friend Celeste used to burp aloud. She would burp these loud, long and from the bowels of her belly burps. It was not just her, her father and brothers did the same behavior. Although burping was acceptable in her family, done in front of my family, this same behavior would have drawn disdain and ridicule.

We all have peculiar behaviors that we do which we don’t think anything of. Either these unique quirks can be endearing to a partner or they can be irritating and annoying. Unfortunately, it’s not until we spend a significant length of time with someone that we discover which the case is. This is why I often caution couples about vacationing together even if it is a mini-vacation. The concern is that spending 24 hours a day; three, four or seven days out of a week together can make or break a relationship. For couples who have slowly exposed their quirks to one another over a long period, a vacation can deepen the relationship. However, for those couples, who have not tested the waters slowly, a vacation can be a risk. Exposing themselves to their partner all at once, these individuals soon learn that their partner doesn’t find their unique idiosyncrasies romantic.

Sadly, for you it sounds like it was the latter. You can presume from your girlfriend’s silence that when you and she spent four straight days together, she discovered some things about you that she did not find endearing. It may have taken her some time away from you to let this information settle. While it would have been nice for her to share this information with you, her message is said through her non-verbal communication. The fact that you thought the time together was wonderful and assumed it meant you both were feeling the same way toward each other further demonstrates the miscommunication in your relationship.

My suggestion to you is back off and give her some space. She needs the time to digest all that she learned about you. During this silence, she will discover either that in the grand scheme of things your idiosyncrasies are minor and she will reach out to you or she will come to terms with the fact that they are a deal breaker. In time, she may be able to express this to you, but don’t hold out the expectation. Another advantage to giving her some space is that you won’t come across as insecure or needy. Give her seven days without any contact from you. If after the seven days you still haven’t heard from her and still feel the need to know in more detail what is going on, then give her a call. Tell her that after having spent four days together you believe that her feelings for you have changed. Tell her that you understand she is under no obligation to tell you what changed, just that you would appreciate it if she would tell. Let her know that by talking with you it will help you to move on.

~~Lori

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