What to do When you are the Other Woman

From LoveToKnow Dating

Wondering what to do when you're the other woman? So did this woman who was dating her boss. Find out some advice for your situation from our Ask the Dating Coach column.

Advice on What to do When you are the Other Woman

Reader Question

I’m in love with a colleague who is currently my boss. We met through work, when I was his personal assistant. I then left his division and we began to see each other since. When we hooked up we were both going through tough times with our partners. I broke up with mine and he patched up his. Even though I know he is still in a relationship with someone else, I want more. I told him how I feel and he failed to open up to me. Am I wasting my time with him? I still want to continue with our 'friendship' but how do I do that and get over him simultaneously?

~~Anonymous

Expert Reply

Dear Anonymous,

In your question, you say that, Even though I know he is still in a relationship with someone else, I want more. I told him how I feel and he failed to open up to me. If by ‘open up’ you literally meant he would verbally tell you what he wanted; then you are correct, he failed to literally speak about his level of interest. However, if you were listening to his non-verbal language, you would have heard loud and clear that he is not interested in anything more than ‘hooking-up’ with you.

I am guessing that when the two of you first got together, the attention your boss paid to you made you feel desired, wanted and needed. Something you weren’t getting from your partner. Believing that your boss’ level of interest and attention meant he too felt the same desire as you, you ended your bad relationship. Only one problem, your boss didn’t end his bad relationship. On the contrary, he mended his relationship and continued his affair.

The reason that many companies have restrictions on office romances is that when they end it often results in negative feelings, which leads to poor working relationships. In your case, this is a valid consideration. So is the power differential (of a boss and his direct report) which could have negative consequences for either you and/or your boss. I can’t help but wonder if this consideration is in the back of your boss’ mind. If it were, then staying involved with you without committing to you is a way for him to avoid any negative fallout should the relationship end.

If your desire is to be sexually available to your boss and to keep your affair a secret, then no, you are not wasting your time. On the other hand, if you are asking me if you are wasting your time waiting for him to end his relationship with his partner so that he can be with you, my answer is, YES! Waiting for your boss would be a waist of time and energy. Your boss has repeatedly communicated non-verbally his commitment to your relationship with him. The first time, was when he patched up his relationship with his partner. The many non-verbal behaviors since then have been in how he keeps your relationship hidden from the world. The most recent communication was his lack of a verbal response to reassuring you that he shared your feeling about wanting more and was therefore going to end his relationship with his current partner.

If you are willing to look at the relationship from the perspective of how things really are verses how you would like them to be, I think you could answer of ‘why would you want to torture trying to maintain a friendship?’ If you believe that you can avoid the pain of ending a relationship by maintaining a friendship, the truth is you can’t avoid pain. Pain is a necessary emotion that lets us know that someone or something mattered to us. The only way you can get past pain is to go through it. So, allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship. Once you do, your heart with naturally open to the possibility of falling in love again.

With the close of 2007 make your New Years resolution to fall in love with someone who genuinely deserves you. Because you deserve a man who wants the world to know how he feels about you and can give himself to you completely in every sense of the word.

~~Lori

Retrieved from "http://dating.lovetoknow.com/What_to_do_When_you_are_the_Other_Woman"