What is Emotional Cheating

What is Emotional Cheating... What does it mean??

Reader Question

Hey Lori, I am a little confused about this situation I am in. I have totally fallen in love with one of my closest friends. I know you probably get this a lot but our sort of relationship started weird. When we met he was the one pursuing me and was intensely interested in me. We found that we were so alike that he could read my mind and I could read his. We even went out on one date and before we could continue I found out later that he was set up by one of his friends with another girl. Of course I was crushed and thought I had to get closure, so I told him how I felt for him. He got all excited and reassured me that he only went out with her once, but I was so hurt that he would do that that I said no you already like her and you should continue with this. And before I knew what happened they got into a serious relationship and professed love for one another and so on. It killed me but I took it because he was my friend and there was already an unspoken understanding that he should not mention her in front of me often.

At any rate, he is now having major problems with her and is constantly seeking my company. He calls me and holds my hand, and teases me and pays attention to me constantly. It also feels he constantly compares her to me and I think he always puts me higher. He has said how little he respects her and how weak she is and he only talks of how he respects and admires me. He has said that I am smart, attractive (hinting… never right out) and so incredibly sweet. He complements me and yet he, under major prying from me will admit that he has feelings for her.

There is nothing going on between us but emotionally there is something. His friends and mine have noticed, and I sometimes feel both sides are trying to get us together. We are so perfect together that random people constantly ask us if we are dating which we get shy about and don’t know how to respond. In fact if anything, he is always letting me answer for him and rarely speaks up about these things.

At any rate I do love him dearly and I will continue to be with him, but I just want to know if this guy truly has feelings for me or not. I know he did once but could they be resurfacing?? Could he be confused which one he wants or is he just thinking of a backup after his girl??? I mean I like not to think this, after all everyone knows he has a special place in his heart for me because he treats me differently. I am special to him and he and his girlfriend have had fights about me and she really doesn’t like me. Is he emotionally cheating or is it in my head and wishful thinking?? Your help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

-- Contributed by: Amy

Expert Reply

Dear Amy,

Given what you have written I would say yes, your friend has feelings for you. The question is, are those feelings strong enough for him to step up to the plate? Right now he is in a relationship with another person, which means he cannot possibly give you his full time, attention and love. What makes you so attractive to him is that you’re not asking him to step up and end one relationship before starting a new one. Your friend gets to be in an intimate relationship with one woman, while flirting, teasing and implying that there is something more between the two of you.

The way I see it, he gets his ego stroked while you and his girlfriend settle for the little he doles out between the two of you. So the answer to one of your questions is yes, he is emotionally cheating. He is cheating on her with you and he is cheating on you by maintaining a relationship with her. The answer to your other question is no, he is not confused as to which girl he wants. His behavior indicates he wants both types of relationships, a friendship with you and a girlfriend with the other woman. The bigger question is what do you want?

If you want a relationship with him and only him (not him and his girlfriend and you), then you’re going to have to stand strong and confront the situation in a straightforward manner. This would start with you asking him what is going on. You could say something like:

"There is something I want to talk with you about. I am a little confused by the way you behave when we’re together. It feels like you flirt with me and sometimes treat me like our relationship is more than just friends. Am I imagining this or is this what is happening?"

Whether he confirms or denies that your observations are accurate, you can tell him how you feel about him. You can follow that up by telling him that although you have strong feelings for him, should he end his relationship with the other girl, you would be interested in seeing how a relationship between the two of you develops. But, until he ends one relationship, the two of you can only be platonic friends and not special friends because that is not fair to you (Amy).

Being treated special feels great and who doesn’t love extra attention? By allowing this behavior to continue because it feels great means you don’t get what you really want, which is this guy as your boyfriend. Instead, you’re settling for the leftover attention he gives you after being with his girlfriend. Don’t settle! You deserve better. If he cares about you, he’ll end the other relationship so that he can develop an honest relationship with you.

~~Lori