Wearing Wedding Rings

The best way to prevent unwanted advanced from others is by wearing wedding rings. This reader was concerned about a co-worker, so our dating coach gave him some simple advice.

Hi can you help me out. I work with a very attractive female at work and over time we have become good friends. We work in the bank so we have a lot of clients. My friend gets upset as many men try to ask her out or even give her their phone numbers. She confides in me asking why they do this, as in the Indian culture it’s disrespectful for an Indian male to give an Indian female a phone number or wanting to go out with her. She is 40, married, and has 2 kids. Now I do admit when she tells me I sometimes tell her that they see a beautiful lady and so it’s natural for the guys to be attracted. She doesn’t get angry or upset with me when I make a comment to her but when other clients say or ask her out she gets upset. She has asked me why this happens to her, as she doesn’t like it. I’ve told her to tell me and I will have a chat with the clients who should know better. When I do see her she doesn’t wear much makeup and dresses very simple. She prefers not to have her wedding ring on as she doesn’t want to lose or ruin her wedding rings. I’ve asked her to have it on and maybe that will help but she laughed at my idea. I don’t know what to tell her as how she can get the clients to show more respect towards her. I don’t know what to tell her as I like to help give her some good advise as to what she can do. She is asking me as she wants to know if she is sending or saying something to the clients. To me she is very traditional in her Indian ways as I am. Can you advise me on what I can tell her or if you have some article on how to have clients view the female in a respectful manner.

--- Contributed by: single

Dear Single,

I am not aware of any culture that supports a woman not wearing her wedding ring after marriage. This holds true for those of Indian decent. While a wedding ring is a ceremonial symbol of the commitment between two people, a wedding ring also serves to let others know that the wearer is no longer single and therefore not available to date. It is true that the more a person wears a wedding ring the more wear and tear there is on the piece of jewelry. On the other hand, a worn ring also serves to symbolize the length of time the wearer has been married. Couples usually insure their jewelry against theft, fire and loss. Being married and choosing not to wear a ring is a personal preference and usually opens up the individual to some unwanted or perhaps wanted attention, as is the case with your co-worker.

This leads me to wonder what the real reason is for your co-worker not to wear her wedding ring. You may be of the mindset that her reason is that she does not want the ring ruined or lost. I’m not so convinced. I think there may be another reason for her confiding in you about the unwanted invitations she gets from clients. It sounds to me that your co-worker is flirting with you. This may be because she likes your attention and knows that you will not do anything to disrespect her. In other words, you are a ‘safe’ person for her to flirt with. I also think you know this is happening and that you too have been innocently flirting with her. A good example of this flirting is from your question where you explain to her why clients give her their phone number or ask her out; "I admit that when she tells me I sometimes tell her that they see a beautiful lady and so it’s natural for guys to be attracted. She doesn’t get angry or upset with me when I make a comment." I think this is the ‘real’ reason your co-work does not wear her ring to work, she likes and is flattered by the attention she receives from men (including you). If she wore her ring, it is unlikely she would get the same kind of attention from men.

You have given your co-worker the best advice available; wear your wedding ring! The fact that she laughed at you means that she is aware this is what she needs to do if she wants men to stop AND she is choosing to ignore this sage advice. She may be choosing to ignore your advice in order to keep you defending her honor. Having unwanted attention from others serves another purpose; it keeps you flirting with her. This is what I believe has more to do with why she chooses to not wear her ring to work.

My advice is simple, the next time she confides in you about how clients are disrespecting her, remind her that she can stop this unwanted attention simply by wearing her wedding ring. If she persists with the silly reasoning that she does not want to wear that ring for fear of losing or ruining it, then inform her that she can purchase a very inexpensive band (for under $50) and wear it instead. It is not your place to defend her honor with clients when she is intentionally misleading them. Nor is it your responsibility to inform clients that she is married, that is her responsibility as a married woman.

However, when you engage in flirting behaviors with this co-worker, even if she doesn’t get angry with you, you are still responsible for your behavior. Although you may not intend to go any further than just flirting, continuing to engage with her in this manner may contribute to the unwanted attention she is getting from others.

~~Lori

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