Waiting for your Love

Do you find that you are waiting for your love to come to you? These readers have been patiently waiting for their men to wake up and notice them! Find out what our dating coach thinks they should do...

Dear Lori, I have never written to anyone for advice before but i really need someone to talk to and get some good advice. I have been divorced from an abusive alcoholic for seven years now. We were married for almost 25 yrs. He was my first love and we had two wonderful boys whose ages are now 18 and 26. I hid and covered up the last five yrs. of an unhappy marriage. We farmed on my parent’s farm. When he went through two treatments and still was drinking we divorced. I lost my mother suddenly five yrs ago and my father two yrs ago to cancer. In that time I met a man who had lost his wife to cancer, a sister, his father two months after mine had passed and then a son (2 yrs ago). He is a successful farmer, and his family is the most important thing in the world. Had a great marriage, has three other grown sons he is incredibly close to. When his son was killed in a farm accident he was the one who found him. He has gotten all kinds of help to coupe with his grief but is still having a very hard time. In between everything we have been dealing with we have developed a close/intimate relationship. He is my best friend. I have fallen in love with him but he says he cares for me deeply and loves me but he is not sure if he is IN love with me. He doesn't like the idea of me seeing anyone else but he would understand. We live 400 miles apart. We have been seeing each other for 4 1/2 yrs. once or twice a month. We call everyday. We have not told our kids, although I feel my sons would accept the idea of mom dating again. He has told me that if the time comes that he is ready to introduce me to his family then it would be permanent. But he has told me he will never marry again. I do not want marriage right now but would like to know he would eventually would. I know he is grieving his loss yet and when we get together it is just for a night and there is really chemistry like we both have never experienced. But I want more. Is that being selfish or do I just give him time? He does NOT want to be pushed, but I want to feel loved and know what it is like to have a man want and love me. He has a lot of great traits that I want in a man. I am a woman that has been raised on the farm and now inherited the farm and he has helped me out with a lot of things. When we do get together it is on his time. We have so much in common. I would love to be taken out and to do things together with him. What would you do? Anxiously awaiting your reply. Lonely on the prairie.

~~ dakotaprairie

Dear Dakotaprairie,

It’s clear from your letter that you have gotten to this place in your life by taking risks and trusting your intuition. It is not easy to make life changing decisions. Nor is it easy to choose to end an abusive marriage, move through grief and loss of loved ones, or to fall in love. Yet, given the challenges and obstacles you have faced in life, you continued to take risks and trust your intuition to know when the time was right. You, my friend, are a woman with incredible strength! So it should come as no surprise that I am going to ask you to take some risks and trust your intuition once again when it comes to this current relationship.

The man you have been dating for the last 4 ½ years came into your life during a period in which you both were dealing with a great deal of loss. Feeling alone and grieving, you two united in pain and consoled each other. As the friendship grew, you were willing to put this man’s needs and his difficulty dealing with so much loss ahead of your own needs and wants of romance. Being the loving and caring person you are this is no surprise.

During the last 4 ½ years you and your boyfriend have probably felt like you both were going through the grieving process at the same or very similar pace. That probably was true, however, somewhere along the way you progressed faster and your boyfriend, for whatever reason, has not. As a result of such growth, you have come to a place in life where you are willing to put your needs ahead of someone else’s. Putting one’s heart above all else is not selfish in a negative way, rather it is taking care of self. For women in particular, this is a hard concept to embrace. Ironically, when we take care of self, we have more self to give to others.

It is time to bring your love for a man you’ve known for 4 ½ years out of the shadows and into the light. To begin, you’ll need to have an honest conversation with this guy. You can begin by telling him how important his support, friendship and love have been to you. Try to be specific in the behaviors his has done, and the growth you have gained. If the thought of telling him frightens you, try writing him a letter and giving it to him the next time the two of you are together. Tell him that you realize by not telling your friends and family about him, it appears you are ashamed of the relationship and this is not the case. So, you are going to tell those that are important to you, about him and you hope he will do the same with his family and friends. Let him know that you understand if he chooses not to, but that won’t stop you from talking.

Next, it is time to let him know that you would like to see him and spend more time with him. In addition, you would like him to participate in some activities involving friends and family. Tell him that you can’t predict the future of where the relationship will go, but you are willing to give it a try and see what happens. He may choose to follow your lead or he may choose not to. Regardless of what he does, keep in mind that you can’t control his choices… only your own.

It is time for you to tell your friends and family. It is OK to be honest without being candid. Meaning, you can tell them how you met and how your friendship has grown over the years and you think you’re ready to see what happens next. This will give your loved ones a chance to hear the information, share their feelings and move with you in this new direction. Should your boyfriend be unwilling to follow your lead, you can then say that has a result of the friendship, you are ready to start dating men, in a general sense.

By taking this relationship from the shadows and into the light, you are freeing your heart to love passionately, deeply and in a way that you did not have with your ex-husband.

~~Lori

Dear Lori, I have been involved with a man for almost a year who is married in an arranged marriage. He lives at home with his parents and is of a different culture. He says he is very much in love with me. When we have disagreements, he makes such an effort to make up and be clear. About two months ago, he told his wife he wants to divorce. Since then he has started school and did not file for divorce. We had a talk about this the other night. I told him it does not make sense to me why he has not done so. He says he is afraid if he leaves me and then something happens to him he will have nothing. This proves his self-esteem is low and mine is at times too. I am very clear he is the one; I have never felt this before. He also lets people walk over him and tries to make things better to keep the peace. His parents are very upset and talk about him to his wife when he is not there. Today he told me he knows what he has to do, whom he wants, and he wants me. The question is how much longer should I wait? I already feel stupid and easy. How do I help myself and help him. How do I know the truth? Thank you for any support.

-- Contributed by: Shannon

Dear Shannon,

I can’t tell you how much longer you should wait for this man to end his marriage or even if you should wait at all. What I can tell you is that it is unlikely anything will happen soon. One reason is that your boyfriend might not be telling you the whole truth about his situation because telling you the truth might mean you leave him. As a result, he holds onto you by telling you what you want to hear.

You say that he is in an arranged marriage and lives with his parents. To divorce would bring shame to his family. If he already has low self-esteem, I can’t imagine him being able to tolerate the wrath of his family’s humiliation. Even if he could deal with being dishonored, how will he endure further disgrace by falling in love and marrying someone from a different culture? His heart and desire may be to be with you; however, his behavior says something else.

You and your boyfriend need to have a serious talk about the real likelihood of a future together and not just the one the two of you wish for. Then you’ll need to decide for yourself if you want to stay in a relationship with a man who finds it difficult to leave his wife and his parents.

~~Lori

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years now. He lives in Germany; I live in South Africa. I have seen him no more than 150 days a year for the last four years, and before that, it was limited to 21 days a year. I met him 8 years ago. He used to tell me (just after we started dating) that he wanted to get married and to have kids. I was 21 then, and wasn't sure whether I wanted to get married right away. Since then I have changed my mind (this happened about 3 years ago) because of the fact that I fell deeper in love with him. He is however still living in Germany (with his mom and dad!!!!) and has made no REAL effort to change our living arrangements. For the last two or three years I have been hoping for a proposal, but nothing came. At some point last year I asked him about getting married, to which he simply said that he NEVER wants to get married or have kids!?!?!?! When I asked him what made him do a 180, he said he doesn't know, it just "happened.” I asked him if I did something wrong, but he said, "it's not you, it's me". I have been sitting around for the last four years, waiting for him to sort out alternative living arrangements. His excuse is that he doesn't want to stay in Germany permanently, same thing with South Africa. Because of the fact that he is self-employed, it is going to be EXTREMELY hard for him to get citizenship in almost any country. I am seven years younger than he is, and I want to settle down and have kids. I really love this man, and have planned my life around him, being with him until I'm all old and wrinkly. I just can't stand being alone anymore, not knowing when I'll see him again. Why does he not want to get married?

He calls me every day. Should I hold on, or should I just give up after having a 5 year relationship with a man who once said he wanted to get married and have kids, and now changed his mind without consulting me about it? Everybody keeps telling me to break up with him, but I really believe that we have something very special. He sent me money every month. He bought the furniture in the apartment. This means, if/when I leave him, I am going to have to start from ABSOLUTE scratch. I will walk out of this relationship with a sports bag with my clothing in it. For me to, at the age of 27, start over from nothing, is NOT going to be easy, no matter which way you look at it. I gave him an ultimatum sometime during December, telling him that if he can't tell me what he wants with regards to the future (living arrangements, our relationship etc) that I am going to leave him (in December) . He then asked me to please give him some time (maximum till the end of the year). I really love this man, and it would break my heart into a million pieces to break up with him. Eight years is a very long time (It's basically my entire adult life!!) to just walk away from him. Help, please?

-- Contributed by: Charlie4capetown

Dear Charlie4capetown,

The hard part of making an important decision is to see things as they are and not as we would like them to be. When looking at your life as it is, the last three years you have had one goal, to be married to your current boyfriend. To achieve this goal you have given up dating, earning your own income, advancing your education and most importantly, you have waited for him to decide if he wants to marry you. What has your boyfriend contributed?

In the last three years, he changed his mind about wanting to get married and to have children. Not because of something you did or didn’t do, but because he doesn’t want the responsibility that comes with marriage and children. How do I know this? It is in his choice to remain dependent on his parents for his food and shelter. It is in his decision not to leave Germany and his decision not to find a way to live with you. If he wanted to marry you, he would have already done so by now. Knowing all this, you continue to hold steadfast to your goal… marriage.

I am guessing that what I have just described is also how your friends see the relationship as well. I am also guessing that this is why they have been telling you to end the relationship and move on. They care so much about you and don’t want to see spend the rest of your life dependent on your boyfriend. Fortunately, for you, this decision is not theirs to make; it is yours.

You are twenty-seven and have been in a long distance relationship for six years, ending it will hurt. And yes, starting over with nothing will be hard. You know all this. On the other hand, staying in the relationship as it is will also cost you. It will cost you your youth, your time, your energy and your heart. The challenge for you is choosing to see this relationship and your boyfriend as they are and not as you wish they were.

~~Lori

I have been dating the same man for 5 years now. As a single divorced mother with a 12 year old living at home with me, I feel that I am cheating my daughter and I out of time well spent at home at least every other weekend, at my home. She currently spends every weekend at her fathers. I have brought this up to my boyfriend who dances around the topic of us ever getting married. He is turning 60 this year and I am turning 44. I now feel annoyed that I have wasted five years committing to someone that has no reason nor ever will to ask me to marry him. I am now ready and see the light that I need to put my life in a direction for my daughter and myself, including plans on selling my home, and possibly moving. When I bring this up, he gets mad and says I want to break up. He won't stay at my house ever because his house is much nicer and he can't sleep on my mattress. I told him as of the New Year he either spends the next five years at my house every weekend or I will not be coming over his house. He is now going to purchase me a new mattress that he likes so he can do that.

Please can you give me some advice on how to get out of this dead end relationship that has me sacrificing my youth for what? This man has every excuse in the book for not committing. This past weekend I brought all of this up to him, his response was "are you telling me that we have to get married or your breaking up with me?” I said, "No I am not giving you an ultimatum and I never will, I am simply telling you that I need to change my life and my direction to work towards my own future, since we have no plans to commit to a future together.” I need help here. Any advice is better then none.

-- Contributed by: Rainy

Dear Rainy,

It sounds to me like you have built your life around this man with the expectation that he would eventually marry you. What I can’t tell from your question is whether the two of you have been in an exclusive and monogamous relationship during this time. If this were to be the case, then some of the confusion might be in the question “where do we go from here.” This is a fair question for you to ask and would be a lot more helpful than what you have been doing, which is threatening to end the relationship and/or throw him indirect ultimatums. Your guy may not understand why you feel that you have been wasting your time these last 5 years. He may be thinking that the two of you have a good thing going and not understand that for you a commitment is a signed legal document.

There is another very good reason why you need to have a talk with him. He is not a mind reader. He may not understand what you want from him, it is your responsibility to tell him and you need to be clear. When you take the time to talk and listen to each other, you get the chance to understand each other’s perspective. Once you understand each other, then you can work toward an agreement or mutually satisfying understanding. Without seeking to understand his perspective head on, you assume you know the answer. Maybe you’re right, but what if you’re wrong.

Let’s say that marriage is out of the question for this guy and his alternative is not acceptable to you. You might be heart broken, but that doesn’t mean you get to avoid your responsibilities as a parent. Your daughter needs stability in her life. That stability comes from you, her father, her community and her friends. Thinking that the ending of your relationship justifies packing her up and moving in order for you to get a fresh start, is not doing what is right for your daughter. It is more important now, that she see you, her mother, as a role model as a parent and for a romantic relationship.

It sounds as if over the last 5 years you have denied being the kind of mother and partner you desire. Now you have a chance to show your daughter how to heal. From your strength, she will learn how to rebuild after a storm.

This won’t be easy for you. It won’t be easy to become the kind of parent you want to be while healing a broken heart, nevertheless, it’s what you have to do. It won’t be easy to become the kind of woman you envision for yourself. It certainly won’t be easy doing that where you are, but doing it for your daughter, so that she doesn’t make your same mistakes is the best thing you can do for yourself and for her. Should your relationship end, I would recommend that you talk with a professional to help you during this difficult time.

~~Lori

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