Types of Nonverbal Communications

Understanding the types of nonverbal communication people exhibit can help you understand the difference between what people say and how they really feel. In this expert interview with Maryann Karinch, learn about nonverbal communication as it relates to dating and learn how you can use it to improve your relationships.

Maryann Karinch

Maryann holds a BA and MA in theater arts. She is the author of 12 books and co-author with professional military interrogator, Greg Hartley, to five books. Her experience in giving and responding to nonverbal cues in the context of performances prepared her for her work in the field of nonverbal communication.

Nonverbal communication could be gestures, idiosyncratic movements, cultural habits, posture, involuntary physiological responses to stimuli, and "costumes and scenery."

As you read the short explanation of each type of nonverbal communication, you will see how each one relates to dating in terms of understanding its meaning, but not jumping to conclusions:

• Illustrators

Illustrators punctuate statements (e.g., batoning with your arm to illustrate a point).

• Regulators

Regulators control another person's speech (e.g., knitting eyebrows as if to say, "Time to shut up, dear.").

• Barriers

Barriers protect our space to make us feel more comfortable (e.g. using a podium to separate yourself from an audience or putting your arm up on a bar to separate yourself from the person sitting next to you).

• Adaptors

Adaptors release stress and make you feel more comfortable (e.g., playing with your hair or stroking your neck).

• Idiosyncratic movements

Idiosyncratic movements are those little things you do that may or may not mean much. Often, they take the form of adaptors; they are your peculiar way of relieving stress.

• Cultural habits

Cultural habits include movements that are religion-based or something that you picked up from your family or a club. For example, gang members greet each other with particular movements. My mother bows her head when someone says the name, "Jesus."

• Posture

Posture can convey emotional state. You read "confidence" from erect posture; concern, sadness, or some other insecurity from a drooping head and bent back.

• Involuntary responses

Involuntary responses to stimuli can be something simple like scratching an arm because it itches or something much more subtle. An example of the latter is that a person who is attracted to someone will likely start to mirror that individual. The tilt of a head, the way they fold their arms, and other changes in postures and gesture will look like the other person's. Sales pros trained in body language will do this intentionally to reinforce a sense of connection.

• Costumes and scenery

"Costumes and scenery" refer to the way we dress and the place we choose to meet someone. How you dress for a date signals a sense of self and perhaps even expectations about the evening. Will it be fun and relaxed? Formal? Flirtatious? Where you meet someone is also nonverbal communication. "Let's go to Tony's pizza parlor." gives a radically different message from "Let's go to my best friend's for pot luck." You can find all of these types of nonverbal communication in the book, Dating Decoder, along with drawings taken from real situations that show body language in dating situations.

Knowing something about nonverbal communication will sharpen your perception that someone may have emotion or attraction not expressed verbally. The opposite can also be true. What is coming out of someone's mouth may be one thing, but the body may be suggesting something completely different.

Let's say you are on a first date with a person who is showing signs that he/she is not attracted to you, such as putting up barriers, no hint of mirroring, assuming the posture of a cocky individual trying to impress other people. Suddenly, it's 1:00 A.M. and everyone is leaving the party. It's the end of your first date and you wonder, "What now?" The person then starts to come on to you but because of his /her behavior, you say goodnight and call for a cab.

We may be completely unaware of what we're doing that might create false impressions in a person of another culture. If you date someone of another culture, or even someone who is from Dallas and you're from New York City, consider you need to put assumptions aside about the meaning of certain movements. This goes for dress, too, which is part of nonverbal communication.

In nonverbal communication between cultures, the answer is "respectfully." Don't make assumptions about the other person's emotions or intentions. What you really need to do, though, is make it verbal. Find out more about where the person is from. Talk about the differences in your background as part of getting to know each other. Put the fact on the table that you learned to do things differently and you don't want that to get in the way of really understanding each other.

We explore many of them in Date Decoder, but here are a few things:

• A change in the use of gestures can signal an attraction. If one person begins to mirror the other, then you can interpret that as a desire to connect.
• Dropping barriers, such as moving a glass to the side, suggests the person wants you closer.
• Prolonged eye contact is another good sign, as long as it's not the creepy kind that makes you feel naked.
• Fidgeting can sometimes be a sign of attraction. There's a little nervousness because there is a desire to make a good impression.

The biggest pitfall is projection. You see the other person do something that you do when you're upset, for example, and you make an assumption that the other is upset.

To avoid this, you need to baseline the individual. How does the person behave in a relaxed state, or relatively relaxed, since dating itself is a cause of stress? Look at the gestures and movements that are normal, and then when you see a deviation from the norm, you can observe connections between emotional state and behavior.

From a woman's point of view, Date Decoder helps women understand more about why men behave the way they do and more about what's going on inside their head. As I've told a lot of people in interviews, I think one big value of this book to women is that they will learn to become more understanding of the goofy behavior a lot of guys have when they're attracted to you. The book also contains specific guidance on red flags such as when you should run away from a man and never look back.

From a man's point of view, Date Decoder helps them clean up their behavior a bit so their nonverbal communication accurately matches what's going on in their heads and hearts. It will also let them know more about how women view men, such as what comes across as attractive, confident, threatening, and uncaring.

Greg and I also did a book called, How to Spot a Liar and another strictly on body language called, I Can Read You Like a Book. All three of the books address verbal and non-verbal communication in different settings such as business as well as personal relationships.

We have certain instinctive abilities to read nonverbal communication when we are very young, but many of them are smothered by what we're taught. Greg and I have tried to help this process with enjoyable books that can reawaken some of those instincts, as well as develop a more sophisticated and culturally aware ability to read and use body language. Our purpose for sharing these techniques is to help people communicate better as well as to protect people from the effects of manipulative communication.

For more information about Maryann Karinch, visit the Dating Decoder website.

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