Types of Body Language

Types of Body Language and Flirting

Reader Question

I am 20 year old female college student. I used to be afraid to talk to guys in general. Over the past three years I have overcome that fear and I can have a conversation with a guy. But my problem is I never get asked out. No matter what I do. I am not very good at flirting. Quite frankly I am afraid to flirt. Do you have any suggestions? I would sincerely appreciate it. Thank you.

~~Franchesca

Expert Reply

Dear Franchesca,

When 50% of communication is non-verbal and based on body language and another 35% is on the tone of our voice; that leaves very little verbal communication to convince a guy you are not intimidated to talk with him. My guess is that while your words say you are not afraid to have a conversation, your non-verbal communication may indicate otherwise. Thus your flirting is sending guys a mixed message. Flirting is most successful when your body language matches your words.

Keeping in mind that flirting is mostly non-verbal, what makes someone want to get to know you? To answer this, think about the characteristics or qualities someone demonstrates that draw you to them. These qualities are confidence, authenticity and a genuine interest in others. We respond to them because they make us feel good. In return, we desire to know more about them.

Confidence is being comfortable in your own skin. Being comfortable means you have to be at ease with people looking at you. In a sense you want to draw attention to your best features. Is this your smile, you eyes, your waist? Play up your features and others will notice. Confidence is being displayed in the tone of your voice. People will listen attentively when your voice is calm, at a moderate pitch and mirrors the other person’s pace.

Authenticity is when your words and behavior match. If your words are positive but your behavior demonstrates fear, then the risk of miscommunication or coming across as inauthentic increases. Try being an observer when you are talking with guys. Are you expressing your thoughts and feelings honestly and straightforward or is your body language saying “don’t get to close or show too much interest?” To build trust, you must be authentic. To build trust, start by occasionally sharing your thoughts, feelings or ideas with the person you are talking to. Then ask him for his thoughts. Build the relationship on the positive common interests you share with the person you are interested in.

Genuine interest is what draws people to you. They feel good in your presence. You can create positive feelings in others by offering feedback or compliments which are specific and give enough detail to be genuine for that person.

The close is very important when it comes to flirting. This lets the guy know through your words and actions that you are interested in him. If you are unsure if your words and behavior convey this, give the guy a little assistance. Let him know how much you have enjoyed his company, humor or talking with him. Close by suggesting that the two of you get together sometime for coffee, lunch or to grab a movie.

~~Lori

Face Touching

Reader Question

Dear Lori, I recently had a second date with a woman whom I feel very interested in. The first date lasted for 6 hours of dinner and great conversation. We seemed to be able to talk about anything and time went by fast for both of us. We just had the second date and things didn't seem to go as well. During our conversation over dinner, she seemed to touch her face a lot (scratch and wipe). Is this a sign that she was bored with the conversation? Was she nervous? We ended the night and she gave me a fast kiss on the lips as we said goodbye. We agreed that we would see each other again and that I was to call her. How can I tell if she is interested in me or not? And what's with the constant face touching? I am out of a relationship of 12 years for about a year now and really having a problem determining if someone is interested in me or not.

-- Contributed by: Marc V

Expert Reply

Dear Mark V,

All women have universal signals to show interest in a man. The most obvious is accepting a date with him. However, there are other clues including laughing at his jokes, lightly touching him, good eye contact, and leaning in when talking with him. Scratching ones face is not a clue of liking him, nor is it a signal of not being interested in him. Your date’s habitual scratching could be due to having an irritant on her face like a cosmetic, cream or other product. She may have kept scratching her face because of a tick she has or once started, out of a self-conscious habit due to being anxious.

The point is that her face scratching was caused by something and may have continued for a different reason. Either way, it may have nothing to do with you. However, because she didn’t offer an explanation nor did you inquire if something was wrong, you’re left wondering. Had you been straightforward yet sensitive and asked, she might have offered a reason, even if she was embarrassed by the behavior.

It is also possible she is embarrassed by her face scratching. She may avoid talking with you out of her own insecurity. She may even go so far as to turn down an invitation to get together again, simply because she is humiliated. Moreover, while her turning down a date with you may have nothing to do with you, you’ll assume that it does. This might have all been avoided had you simply said something like, “Is everything OK, you seem to be scratching your face a lot?”

Here’s my suggestion. Text her, email her or call her. Start by saying you had a great time on your date. Compliment her on something specific like, “you have a wonderful smile, it lights up your whole face,” or, “I really enjoy talking with you; you have a way of making me feel at ease.” Then ask if she would like to get together again, and tell her what your specific idea is for the next date. One dating tip, make the next date around an activity such as wine tasting, or a cooking class, or going to an exhibit. This will take the pressure of the two of you having a conversation and will focus the attention on ‘doing’ something the both of you can get involved with. Should she turn down your offer to go out, remember dating is a numbers game, it’s not personal, it’s dating.

~~Lori