Trust

Have you betrayed your lover's trust? What should you do? Let our dating coach help you build it back up.

My boyfriend is not as computer savvy as I am. I checked the history button and found the sites he's been looking at. Of course there were some porn sites, but there were two others that particularly alarmed me.... adultfinder.com and fling.com. I could see where he had gone as so far as to enter our zip code and looked at a few profiles. How can I approach this subject? Are these grounds for terminating a relationship? If he doesn't cheat now, he will eventually right?

~~KC

Dear KC,

As I see it, there are two issues here. The first issue is that on some level you don’t trust your boyfriend. While he may not have done anything specific to earn this distrust, nevertheless you feel it. This would explain why you went into his computer to check his history. What you found were hits on porn sites. When someone visits porn sites, pop-ups to other sites will happen. It would not be unusual for your boyfriend upon seeing a site whose advertisement was interesting to check it out. This is not the same as paying the membership fee that is required for both Adult Friend Finder and Fling. Had you discovered some evidence that he was a paid member, you could assume that he was using the service rather than just checking it out.

When feelings of distrust infect a relationship, the feelings are like an epidemic, they continue to spread unless dealt with. The only way you can address your feelings of distrust is to talk with your boyfriend. This would require you sitting down and having an honest conversation about why you feel the way you do. It isn't easy to talk about ‘gut’ level feelings, but by talking to your boyfriend you could address the behaviors he did that led to your distrust. By talking you give him an opportunity to reassure you that he has not been unfaithful.

This brings me to the second issue. By checking the history on his computer without his knowledge, you have violated his privacy, which could impact his trust in you. As a result, there is no way you can talk with your boyfriend now without confessing your own behavior.

Honesty and trust have been violated in this relationship, definitely on your part and possibly on your boyfriend’s. The only way to repair the damage that has been done is to address it head-on. If you don’t, the distrust issue will continue to spread like an insidious germ. Here is a sample conversation starter you can use to begin to address your concerns as well as repair the violation of your boyfriend’s privacy.

"There is something I would like to talk with you about. This is difficult for me. I’ve been having some feelings that you are being unfaithful to me. Instead of coming to you with my concerns, I went looking for evidence. This led me to check out the history on your computer where I learned that you had visited Adult Friend Finder and Fling. I know what I did may now cause you to not trust me, but our relationship is very important to me and I want to work this out with you. I hope you can find it in your heart to understand why I did what I did and to forgive me. I also hope you are as committed to the relationship as I am. I know there are now two issues to talk about. The first being my feelings of unfaithfulness and the second issue being what I did, checking out your computer without your consent. Are you willing to talk with me about these two issues?"

~~Lori

My boyfriend went on a trip to Denver last year for a conference. He met a girl but supposedly, nothing happened. He told me everything that did happen and I forgave him. Now I am wondering if is true. I contacted the girl and she said she will send me a message but a week has passed and nothing has happened. I don’t know if to believe him that nothing happened when he even told me that they fell asleep in her room because they were watching a movie (the night before they stayed up in the lobby talking all night). I don’t know what to do? And the girl hasn’t replied yet. I told him that I contacted her to scare him off and he still says nothing happened and that it was a stupid and disrespectful mistake. What should I do?

-- Contributed by: jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Trust is an essential component to any healthy and loving relationship. A long-term relationship is built from this foundation. Without trust, the structure will eventually crumble. Your boyfriend didn’t have to tell you anything that happened on his trip to Denver, but he did. Instead of accepting him at his word, you contacted the other woman expecting her to either confirm your boyfriend’s story or reveal information that could prove he lied to you.

Trust is something that is a given in a relationship unless trust is broken. Since you have provided me with no history of your boyfriend lying, I am going to go out on a limb and say you were way out of line by contacting this other woman. Either you trust your boyfriend or you don’t. If you don’t trust him, it is just a matter of time before your insistence to prove he is lying will be what actually breaks up your relationship.

I recommend you drop the detective work. This issue is yours and not your boyfriend’s problem. You have to figure out why you distrust him and work on what you can do to manage this emotion. It’s OK to share with your boyfriend why you have difficulty with trust, but it is not his responsibility to fix this, it’s yours.

~~Lori

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