Torn between Two Lovers

Torn between Two Lovers Dilemma

Reader Question

Dear Lori , I chose you to help me because I think you are supervising this site and you have experience. I have a problem I cannot solve and I need advice as soon as possible. Four years after my divorce I met two men five months ago. I love both of them. Both tell me they love me. They have asked me to move in with them and see if we get along well. I think it is only when you live every day with somebody that you can tell if it is the right person. (Seeing each other for short periods is not enough). So today I have to decide what to do, they are both waiting, and I am confused. I don't want to make a mistake this time. They are both nice and have lot of good qualities, but for each there is something (and it is a different issue for each) that bother me. I am so confused; I cannot decide. I need help to make a decision or I will loose both. If you could help me, I will be able to make a choice. Please answer me. If you are too busy, could you tell me which counselor or advisor would be best for my problem? Thank you.

-- Contributed by: lauren barnoud

Expert Reply

Dear Lauren,

While you have been divorced for some time and are now ready for a long term committed relationship, dating two men for five months is not considered being in a long term relationship. Actually, being in love with both men means that you have not been in a committed relationship with either of them. I can understand your (and their) desire to have you choose one and make a commitment to being in a monogamous relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to move in with the one you have chosen immediately. This is especially true when you don’t even know if you can tolerate his behavior.

Rather than choosing one person to live with, try choosing one man and date him exclusively. Find out if you can tolerate the behaviors that bother you about him. Give yourself time to be in love with only him. Keep in mind that if you have truly been in love with two men, it will be normal to grieve the loss of the relationship you didn’t choose. Give yourself time to mourn before moving in with the other man. Otherwise, your grieving might be misunderstood as not wanting to be with him. In addition, should the man you have chosen do things that bother you, you may wonder if you made a mistake in your choice of men. All of this adds up to more problems then are necessary.

By taking a smaller step of choosing one man to be in a mutually exclusive relationship with, you can then decide if you love him enough to take the major step of living together.

~~Lori