Tips for Dating Older Men
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Do you need some tips for dating older men? Let this question to our Ask the Dating Coach help you as well.
Expert Tips for Dating Older Men
Reader Question
I would like some advice about dating a man 10 years older than me. I am about to turn 21 and he is 31. He's a nice guy with a good career and he comes from a good family. I need to know if he is too old for me and what should I watch out for? Will I regret this in the long run, if I do start a relationship with this man? So far we get along, and he told me he liked me. He is a gentleman and told me he would like to get to know me, if I was ok with that. He still acts like he's my age sometimes having crazy parties and occasionally getting drunk. I guess some of the difference so far is the fact that he dresses very sophisticated and I dress like I'm 21. He is also in the world of business and I am in college. Should I be concerned that his last girlfriend was about the same age as me? They broke up because it was a long distance relationship. If this is just about getting into my pants, I will end it right then, but what if it's more than that? My friends do not agree and say I am too young to be with someone that age. They gave me reasons ranging from the generation gap to embarrassment to he'll be dead when I'm 60. All very reasonable and good things to think about, but something inside me tells me this guy could be the one. My plan is go get to know him really well through friendship. We both like the same activities such as hiking and nature. I can see this being more than just a fling and he only lives a few miles away. Please be blunt and honest, I would rather find out now that later. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Lola
Expert Reply
Dear Lola,
Science has shown us that chronological age is only a number. Areas like health, family history, exercise and mental attitude are more of an indicator of body age than the birth number. You boyfriend may be 31 years old, but mentally, emotionally and socially he may be much younger than his actual age. Likewise, you may be 21 years of age and had life experiences which make you seem older than your birth age.
Your biggest concern is that his interest in you may be limited to “ getting in your pants.” This is a reasonable concern with any man regardless of his age. Hook-ups are popular, yet that doesn’t mean you have to agree to them. Just because this man is 31 makes him no more or less likely to be motivated by sex than someone your own age. I would caution you that anytime you party with alcohol you increase your chances of having high risk sex, regardless of age. If you are concerned about this man’s intentions, it would be wise of you to drink responsibly when in his company.
As for your friends’ concerns, they are valid points; but as far as I can tell from your question you’re not planning on marrying the guy right now. You’re interested in dating him. So what are some of the advantages to dating an older guy? As you have pointed out, he has a career and seems to make a decent living, which means he can take you out to nicer places then guys your own age. He has more money so his purchase power is higher. He dresses nicely, which may be an incentive for you to improve your wardrobe. The advantages here include; having nicer clothing for interviews, impressing potential employers and dressing less like your age will make it harder for others to guess your age.
The down side of dating someone 10 years older than you is more likely to show up should your relationship become more serious. For example, his family may not approve of him being involved with a woman as young as you, so they don’t take you or the relationship seriously. He might be ready to settle down and have children sooner than you. Given his age, he will have had life experiences and wisdom from those experiences that you may not be able to relate to just yet. He may have had many sexual relations thereby putting him in a high risk category for sexually transmitted diseases. Being younger, you may be more inhibited to talk about his history or insist on using precaution. He has the financial means to live a lifestyle that you currently cannot afford.
I think the wisest thing you can do is the thing you were already planning on doing, and that is to get to know him really well through friendship. If his intentions are honorable, time will demonstrate that. Should he have ulterior motives, you will be able to recognize them, if you take your time with the relationship. In the meantime, dating someone who is older can make you feel more like a lady than dating someone who is your own age. So enjoy the attention and proceed cautiously.
~~Lori
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Comments
Julie, thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad to hear that you are happily married to an older man!
-- Contributed by: Rick FulksMy husband is 17 years older than me. Our relationship started out as a friendship, and it was a similar situation where he just seemed much closer to me in age than what his actual age was. His personality, attitude, interest in activities was much more in line with my interests than some of the guys who were my age. I think that allowed us to hit it off really well and develop our friendship. Plus, he'd experienced many broken hearts and was much more mature and able to deal with his emotions in an effective way, so that when I made the decision to pursue something deeper, I didn't even think twice about his age. Our previous relationship as friends allowed him to develop a deep level of respect for me, and in return I'd developed a solid level of trust in him. And though he was at a point in his life where he was ready to get married and settle down, he was very good at taking things at my pace. 3 and a half years later, we're happily married and don't regret anything about our relationship. Both of our families have been extremely supportive, as all they want is happiness for both of us. And all of my friends, when I'd first introduced them to him, were so surprised and impressed when I revealed his age because they found it so hard to believe that someone of his age could look and act so young and have similar interests. Now, they all love him as a close friend. So, I agree with Lori that the best thing to do right now is to get to know him really well. It might be beneficial not to go in with any expectations, and just see how the relationship develops. Neither my husband nor I ever imagined or planned that we would end up being married to each other, but it's one of the best things that's happened to either of us. Good luck!
-- Contributed by: Julie
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