Teenagers Growing Up

Teenagers Growing Up and Dating

Reader Question

Hi, there's this boy in my school and we've been talking for a few months now. One night on the phone, we accomplished that we both liked each other. But ever since then, nothing has changed with our relationship. We still talk to each other a lot, but I'm afraid that nothing will ever happen with us and I don't want to waste my time waiting for something to happen. We've already gone through this before. Two years ago after we already told each other how we felt, nothing changed. And eventually we stopped talking. I don't know if there's anything I can say to him or if I should just let it go and not got my hopes up. Some of my close friends tell me just to forget about him, but I don't want to do that until I know for sure there is nothing I can do. I hope you have any ideas for me.

-- Contributed by: christina

Expert Reply

Dear Christina,

Your feelings about boys are normal and natural. Wondering what it will be like to kiss a boy is also normal and natural. As is wanting a boyfriend, but you know this. What you’re struggling with, is what family and neighbors will think if they learn of your desires. You assume that they will think less of you for being interested in boys. I don’t know your family and neighbors, but I would say that is unlikely. It is more likely they see a little girl still. Sure, they know you are growing up and maturing, after all you’re in high school, but in their hearts you’re still their little girl.

Instead of judging you for being interested in boys, it is more likely they will worry about you and maybe even feel you are too young to have a boyfriend. Their worrying will lead them to imagine all sorts of worst case scenarios. Like, your studies will go down, or you’ll have sex or all you’ll think about is boys, boys, boys! These worries are normal and natural for adults too. The way the grown-ups in your life may deal with their worries, is to put them out of their minds, rather than deal with them. This means, in the beginning they might not support your interest in boys. That’s OK too. Part of your maturing is being able to help your loved ones accept that you are growing up.

This is why it would not be a good idea to have a secret relationship. Your family trusts you and keeping secrets would break down that trust. Part of being ready for a relationship includes being able to discuss dating with your parents. Since they have not stated the rules and expectations for dating, it might be a good idea to ask what those are. This is a starting point for sharing what your thoughts on the topic are. You could bring up the topic with your mom. You might start the conversation saying something like; “My friend Mary likes this guy Matt. For Valentine’s Day he gave her chocolate heart. This weekend he is taking her to the movies. Mary’s parents are letting her go to the movie with Matt alone. If I liked a guy, would you let me go to the movie alone with him or would I have to go with a group of my friends?

This conversation starter will let your mom know that you have been thinking about this and it will tell you what her thoughts about dating boys are. Should she not agree with you that you should be interested in boys, don’t get discouraged. It might take some persuading, negotiating and compromising on your part to get your parents to the place where they agree it’s OK to be interested in boys. However, that’s part of growing up, helping your parents come around.

~~Lori