Staying in marriage for kids

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Are you staying in marriage for kids? Instead of giving up on a stale marriage, use some of our dating coach's advice.

Should I Be Staying in Marriage for Kids?

Reader Question

Dear Lori, I have been married for 5 years and we have a 5-year-old son. At first, it was very rocky but things have become a lot better. The problem is that anytime we get into an argument I start to either think that I should leave her, wish I hadn't come back the last time we separated, or try to figure out a way to make her leave me. Recently an old girl friend that I was once in love with found me online and all the old feelings for her came back. What should I do? I am completely confused and feel like I am being torn apart.

-- Contributed by: jake

Expert Reply

Dear Jake,

I know you are not alone in having a desire from time to time to run away and start over. Raising a child is hard. Being a parent is not sexy and sometimes it’s boring. The fact that you are questioning your thoughts is a good quality. It says that your heart is struggling between being a good parent and husband with being the ‘rock star’ you remember. I bet your wife has at times had similar thoughts to yours. I bet she remembers when you used to look at each other with desire instead of, “is it almost bed time?”

Much of what you and your wife are going through is common to all parents. How do you balance being parents, with being a fun and sexy couple. To accomplish this, the two of you have to work as partners towards this common goal. Right now you and your wife aren’t working together, you are fighting each other, and going in two different directions. This is why it is so tempting to pick up with the old girlfriend. She is available and reminding you of "what was" instead of "what is." I can assure you that if you got with this other woman, in five years of her doing your laundry, and seeing your not-so-sexy behaviors and you seeing hers, the two of you would be in the same place you are right now. This is one of the downsides to an affair; in the end it is the same story different day.

All relationships ebb and flow. Yours is ebbing, to get into flow; you’ll need to talk with your wife. Reminisce about the past and the fun you used to have together, and then ask her how happy she is. Together, share a vision of how things between you both would look if each of you were living a life together in which each felt supported, passionate, wanted and desired. Then ask her what she thinks needs to change in order for the vision to come true. After she responds with her ideas and thoughts, share yours with her. Take those ideas and work on a plan together to make that vision come true. Then, put your plan into action. Give it some time to see if this makes a difference in how each of you feels about the other. You might even have to change some of your plans, especially if they don’t work out the way you thought.

Being a happy family takes teamwork and a commitment to trying. This is not to say that if you do the above with your wife, everything will work out perfectly. The two of you might do everything I suggested only to discover later that each of you is not happy with the other. Here’s the key. When you try and it doesn’t work out, you’ll be able to look your son in the face and say your mom and I tried everything and we couldn’t make it work. When you walk away, you can never say that to your son. In addition, it is from you that your son learns how to be a father and husband.

~~Lori

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