Skeleton in my Closet

What about the skeleton in my closet? Many people ask this question in a new relationship. How much should you tell about your past? Let our dating coach give you a fresh perspective.

I would like to keep my identity anonymous because of the subject matter. If that is not possible, please do not post this. I was dating a guy for a month and fell hard for him, and he fell hard for me. I have not been in a real relationship for almost four years. I have a huge skeleton in my closest; I was involved in fetish films about 10 years ago. I was young and stupid; I tried to help my mom out with money and was not thinking about anything in the future. Now, I am a professional adult who has tried to leave this all behind me but some how this guy found out and he went from being in love with me and crazy about me to loathing me! He said I should have told him from the start, but I do not think I owed him anything - so in the future - should I tell men that I date about my past or not?

-- Contributed by: Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,

Ignorance is bliss. Youth live in the moment. They don’t think about the future and even if they could I doubt it would change anything. That’s what makes youth so innocent and so naive. Most of us have a skeleton or two in our closets from something stupid we did when we were young. Learning from our past is what makes us the wise women we are today.

Trust takes time to build in a relationship. Which is why revealing to a new person takes time. You need to get to know someone and to discover if there is enough commonality and attraction to continue dating. For most people, this takes about 3 months to determine. Around this time, each person decides if the interest is high enough to continue the relationship. Once that is determined, the couple begins to move towards dating exclusively and share intimate information with each other. This would be about the time where you would begin sharing information about the difficulties you and your mom faced when you were younger. As you reveal information slowly and over time, you are also looking to see how receptive your partner is. The more receptive and accepting, the more information you will share about your past. Eventually, you will get to the point where you will talk about the film. Keep in mind, like fine wine, no information before its time.

Sharing this very private information won’t be easy. There will be some guys who will hear about your past movie experience and will leave the relationship, most likely because of their own insecurities. However, there will be men who will see your past as the past. They will look at the wonderful and intelligent woman you’ve become. These men will not judge you. However, these men will be fewer than the ones with their own insecurities. It only takes one ‘right’ guy to make you forget about all the others who couldn’t handle the information before him. I recommend you reveal your past with someone special who has earned your trust.

~~Lori

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