Signs of Emotional Cheating

What exactly are signs of emotional cheating and what does it mean for your relationship? Let this reader's question to our Ask the Dating Coach help you figure out a plan.

Hi, I have been going steady with my girlfriend for last 2 1/2 years. We had fought with our parents to be together forever , who were opposed to inter caste marriage. After a hard battle everyone has agreed and they are all happy now to be planning our wedding in June 2008.

In college, my girlfriend had a close friend who happened to have crush on her. He knows what we have gone through, and that we are also going steady and about to get married. He had got a job in a distant place and before leaving had told my girlfriend that he loves her but was unable to tell her before because of her relationship with me.

My girlfriend got weak to some extent after that. After some initial fights we were back to normal for next four months. Last month he had returned home and couple of their mutual friends got together. Despite knowing everything, he reminded her again she will realize what you have lost in life.

My girlfriend has totally changed after this and is even on the verge of breaking off our relationship which we had built slowly. She knows that she has made a mistake and says to me that she hasn’t done anything purposely. She has a guilt feeling that she has spoiled three lives. Every time she says this I have said that the other life which you think you have spoiled is not completely your fault. If your friend, despite knowing all the trouble he has caused for you, still comes up and says these things, then he is not one of your best friends. She says that her friend never wanted to break our relationship and that I am thinking wrongly about him. My question is if he didn’t want to break our relationship then how come she is thinking of breaking up with me even when everyone knows we are to get married next year. And then, why did he come up and say these things again?

Either she has cheated on me or she has been emotionally fooled. I have told her that she is being naive if she were to take this step to break our relationship. She says that she hasn’t done anything purposely. It’s out of sympathy that she has fallen for this guy. But then again she says this is not out of sympathy. I am really clueless to what she is saying. I can understand she is in a dilemma but even she has agreed our relationship has more depth. She has also asked her “friend” that why he did this despite knowing everything. Now she has totally gone into a shell. Although we are talking to each other, meeting each other, discussing this issue time and again, the spark is missing. She and her friend are also not in talking terms.

I don’t understand when she has said to her friend that why he did this despite knowing everything, then why she is still thinking of breaking our relationship to live with him. I have forgiven her for what she has done but our relationship is not normal now. We have fought with our parents just to be together and now I don’t know what I will say to my parents and to those who are eagerly waiting for our marriage. I have given her time to think about what she wants in life.

She is really in a dilemma. I haven’t put any pressure on us and have told her that she would be committing a mistake if she were to love someone out of sympathy. In my opinion, her feelings are plain infatuation and not love.

Frustration has crept in me to some extent. I know she loves me but she hasn’t been able to forget her friend which she is not denying. Please let me know what to do, looking forward to your reply.

~~Warm Regards, KC

Dear KC,

You and your girlfriend have gone through a lot together! Battling parents for the right to date and be in a relationship. Determination and perseverance united the two of you for a common cause (the right to date) and as a result brought you closer. This is why after 2 ½ years of dating, it made sense to think about getting married and spending the rest of your lives together. Since the two of you had overcome so much to be together, it’s hard to imagine that anything could come between you. Yet, this is exactly what has happened.

A ‘close’ friend of your fiancé’s has professed his love for her and she in return has questioned her feelings for you. Naturally you’re hurt and confused. The rug you were standing on has been pulled out right from under you and turned your world upside down. I can only guess you feel embarrassed at the thought of telling your parent’s and others who have been supportive, that there may not be a wedding. It would be natural to want to avoid a breakup and try focusing on ways to keep the relationship going. After all, this is exactly what the two of you did before and it proved to be the right decision, both sets of parents eventually supported the relationship. So what makes this current problem different?

The difference is that the two of you were united against your families’ opinions and wishes. This time, the two of you are divided. You wonder if your girlfriend has cheated on you. I don’t know if she physically cheated, but I believe she emotionally got involved with her friend. She shared her feelings and thoughts with him, enough so that he felt a connection to her and her to him.

By having an emotional affair regardless of whether or not they had sex, this kind of bonding has brought a wedge between you and your girlfriend and has turned the relationship into a tug of war. He, like you, is trying to defend his right to be with the girl he loves. As a result, you and the other guy are each trying to ‘win the heart and mind’ of your girlfriend. This is why he is motivated and determined to let her know how he feels about her.

Trying to overcome a third person in the relationship may not be the best thing for you. Your girlfriend’s loyalties are split. It is not sympathy she feels for him, it is a connection. This is why she tells you she did not do this on purpose. You say that you have forgiven her for what she has done. Since you do not know what she has done, how can you forgive her? You say you have given her time to think and haven’t put any pressure on her, yet the two of you are fighting and your relationship has changed.

I think it is time for you to think about what is in your best interest. Your girlfriend has not been emotionally loyal to you. This is no way to start a marriage. I would suggest that the two of you talk with a clergy or therapist and see if this can be worked out. I would also suggest that you tell your family and those close to you, that the two of you are going through some stuff and you would appreciate keeping it private. You are under no obligation to reveal the details. Should anyone press you further, respond with, “I know you care about me and want to help, which is why I can tell you that if and when I am ready to discuss things in more detail I will seek you out. For now, I am asking that you allow me to try and work things out by myself and with my girlfriend.”

~~Lori.

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