Should I Take a Break in a Relationship

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Are you wondering "should I take a break in a relationship?" Then you will want to read out dating coach's response to this reader's question.

Should I Take a Break in a Relationship

Reader Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating since sophomore year of high school. We love each other more than ever but there is something I just can’t let go. We go to the same college and we didn’t decide that just because of each other. We always said that if one of us needed a break that we would be gracious and understand no matter what the circumstances were. About a week ago, he brought up being single. It killed me but I told him if he needed time to take it. He ended up telling me that he didn’t want to lose me and what he has gained from dating me. We decided to keep it going and just take it day by day. But sometimes I relive that conversation and I don’t know what to think. We are home for a month of school now and we are seeing each other less just for the reason of being home. Sometimes I just get this weird feeling that things are different. I don’t want a break, I don’t want to split with him. He makes me feel like no one else could ever. People tell me that maybe we need to split but for me I just don’t feel that. Maybe I am just thinking too much. He tells me that he loves me, more and more. I just don’t want him to think that he can’t have his space because he will hurt me...

I guess i just don’t know what to think... Maybe I shouldn’t??

-- Contributed by: Sharon P

Expert Reply

Dear Sharon P.,

You and your boyfriend had an agreement, "if one of us needed a break that [the other] would be gracious and understand no matter what the circumstances were." When the time came for you to honor your agreement, you reneged. You may not have stated this fear the way you have in your question, but the feelings were there and your non-verbal communication spoke them loud and clear. I am guessing that on some level neither of you ever expected to break up when the two of you made that agreement. Therefore, when your boyfriend brought the subject up you were shocked and had no idea that he was even thinking about breaking up. Surprised by his request, your body language reflected the confusion as hurt and fear. I am guessing that your boyfriend’s intent was not to hurt you, which would explain why he changed his mind about his request.

Love and romance aren’t by their very nature logical and rational states. That’s because emotions play a big role in how we feel about the person of our dreams. When that emotion is fear, the need for logic becomes essential. The bond between you and your boyfriend exists in a state of fear: not a healthy place for a relationship to be. When you apply logic to your relationship, you can step back from the emotion and see that you and your boyfriend have been together since high school. Young love is new and inexperienced. Adult love is different from young love; it is based on security and confidence. This confidence comes from having had life experiences and learning from the mistakes. As a result, when we choose a partner for a long-term commitment, the choice is based on ‘knowing’ what we want and what is good for us. Your relationship with your boyfriend logically is not at this place, which is why you fear breaking up.

Your fear is that if you and your boyfriend take a break you might not come back together again. This fear is understandable and a risk that might just happen. However, staying together just to avoid a possible breakup later on is not a very good foundation for a long-term relationship. The choice is yours to make; breakup now and each explore what is out there. Then if you come back together, it is because you both know in your heart of hearts and through your experiences that you good together. Alternatively, you can choose to hold on to each other out of fear. With this choice, all you can do is hope and pray that one or both of you won’t regret having made this choice and turn that regret into resentment toward the other.

~~Lori

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