Sexual Misconduct

From LoveToKnow Dating

Are you worried your relationship might be consider sexual misconduct. Well, then you will appreciate the advice our dating coach gave to these readers.

Is this Sexual Misconduct

Reader Question

I am 20 and a senior at my high school. I am interested in this girl who is a freshman but is 14. I would think that is bad. It is an Internet thing and we never met, and I am kind of scared. But we talk on the phone for weeks and chat on the computer. We haven’t made plans because I just don't want to be on the news and go to jail. However, I really like her. I need to know so that I know where the girl and I stand.

-- Contributed by: john

Expert Reply

Dear John,

Although you are still in high school at age 20, this will not protect you from the law. All states have an age constraint restricting minors. In many states, this limitation is under 5 years. What this means is, should a girl and guy become intimate and the age difference between them is 5 years or more, the older person could be charged with statutory rape. This is a serious charge carrying a life long label as a sex offender.

My suggestion to you before you go any farther in communicating with the 14-year-old form school is to find out what the laws in your state are regarding minors. Right now you are at great risk should any of your phone or Internet conversations contain sexually suggestive communication. Although your interest in finding out if she feels the same about you as you do about her is natural, the risk this poses is far too great. Besides, even if she does feel the same way, the fact that the age between the two of you is so great, means you cannot act on your feelings.

I realize that this may be hard for you to accept, given that you both are in high school and seem to be similar in many ways. However, the law won’t take this into consideration when it labels you. In case you are wondering, anyone could report the relationship to social services and the police. Teachers, counselors, social workers, nurses etc. are all mandated reports. This means that even though nothing may be going on between you and this 14-year-old girl, a mandated reporter has an obligation to report the relationship to the police if they suspect that you are behaving inappropriately.

My advice to you is stop all communication with her and look for relationships with girls that are closer to your age.

~~Lori

Boyfriend's Son

Reader Question

Dear Lori,

I can't believe I am even in this situation. I am 30; I have been dating a man for the past 2 years. It has been rocky and I am thinking that it may be nearing the end because so much has happened that I am getting to the point to where I can't remember why I fell in love with him. That said, his 16 yr old son just moved in with him and has become very attached to me because I talk to him like a friend rather than a step-mom type. I think he has a crush on me because of things he has said and text messages I get, and because I am getting the attention from him I really want from his dad… I have some feelings I know I shouldn't. I will not allow anything to happen, no lines have been crossed, nor will they ever, but I don't know how to handle this. What if he ever makes a move on me? It has to be delicately handled because his son has been through so much in his short life that the slightest hurt is a big deal. He’s more of an adult than he should be and knows too much of the world than he should because of his previous situation. Any advice? I can't tell my boyfriend any of this.

-- Contributed by: Anonymous

Expert Reply

Dear Anonymous,

One of the reasons teenagers baffle adults is because on the outside they look and talk so much like adults. However, on the inside, these kids are emotionally and psychologically underdeveloped. Their inability to think about the consequences of their actions in addition to their inability to control their impulses makes them a dangerous combination of adult looking and child acting. For adults, the confusion seems to arise from a lack of understanding about child development combined with the appearance of mature physical behaviors. As a result, some adults find themselves engaging in inappropriate sexual behaviors with teens or supplying them with alcohol believing that these kids will handle these situations maturely.

Given that your affection for your boyfriend has changed, you have found yourself vulnerable to the attention of his son. What started with your attempt at friendship has crossed the lines for both of you. This is why it’s imperative that you straighten out your role immediately. You can do this by talking with the son in a straightforward and compassionate manner. If you don’t do this soon, it is likely that his impulsive drive will result in him taking a chance with you.

In order to get this flirting under control, you’re going to need to respond like an adult and a step-mom. Thinking this way will help guide you to stay focused on the issue as well as respond to the son in a firm yet sensitive manner. I would recommend you let the son know that you would like to talk with him. Ask him to meet you at a restaurant so that neither of you is alone with the other. Start the conversation by telling him that some of his text messages and other behaviors make you wonder if he is flirting with you. Clarify if you are interpreting his behavior correctly. By discussing this with him directly, he may respond embarrassed and deny his behaviors. On the other hand, he may see this as an invitation and his opportunity to be bold and let you know of his interest. Either way, you need to respond by letting him know that you are flattered, BUT it is inappropriate behavior and NOT something you will participate in. This information needs to be conveyed clearly and directly.

He may challenge your thinking and try to convince you that the two of you getting together would be a good idea. Should he try this tactic, let him know that if the behavior continues you will have no choice but to tell his father of your concerns. You don’t need to defend your thinking you just need to stay unequivocal.

As for your relationship with the father, it’s time to talk with him. Let him know that your feelings have changed and you wonder if his have too. Together decide if your relationship has just grown routine and boring and needs some excitement and romance or has it reached the end of the line. If you don’t have this talk, I fear you’re likely to find yourself in a compromised position with someone else who shows you attention.

~~Lori

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