Sex with No Strings Attached

Relationship with Sex with No Strings Attached

Reader Question

Dear Lori, I waited one year after my husband moved out to try dating again. I am divorced. I met a great man on an Internet site; we talked online for weeks. Then started talking on the phone, and a week or so later met ta a cafe and talked for a hours. The next date we went on a long all-day biking adventure. We had a lot in common. He said we both were on the same page as far as wanting a long-term relationship. Then we got physically intimate--at his initiation. It was good, joyful sex. But he freaked out and said the physical intimacy brought up ghosts from his past and his heart just closed down. Now he says he is not ready for a long-term relationship, just a friendship with benefits. I am heartbroken. I fell so fast. His explanation seems so illogical. His last relationship was over a year ago. Good sex brought up the issues with him, yet he still wants sex? Advice? An explanation I could understand would be what I need. Was he just lying the whole time? Like I said, my heart is now broken.

-- Contributed by: carol

Expert Reply

Dear Carol,

I agree with you that this guy’s explanation for not wanting to commit to a long term relationship after having good, joyful sex with you does seem flimsy. That is until you think like a guy. What your guy is telling you is that he likes you; he just changed his mind about wanting to be in a long term relationship. These are not mutually exclusive feelings. He can like you, want to have sex with you AND want to date other woman besides you. This is not just a guy thing, although more guys than gals are able to separate sex from an emotional commitment. This is dating in the twenty-first century.

What you’re struggling with is the need to understand what you did that changed his mind. You don’t need to know why he changed his mind in order to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to continue. However, before you decide, consider that the purpose of dating is to learn to open your heart in order to discover the love you desire. From this perspective, dating can be viewed as a weeding out process, as a way of finding out what you don’t want. It is also an opportunity to recognize what you do want and focus your time and attention on the guy with those qualities! We learn through our mistakes as well as our success. Making mistakes is not bad, if you learn quickly.

This is why this man can like you enough to want to have sex with you and know that he does not want to be in a long term relationship with you. He may not totally know or understand what exactly changed for him. All he knows is that something did change. This is part of the weed-out process. It is also where daters who don’t get the kind of relationship they want personalize the rejection. Just because a relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your date. It is not personal, it’s dating.

For your part, all you need to decide is if you are looking for this kind of relationship. If not, then you tell him, “Thanks for liking me enough to want sex, but this is not the kind of relationship I want.” Then move on. Take with you what you liked about dating this guy, i.e., joyful sex, good conversation, being able to spend time together for hours, etc. These are some of the qualities you are looking for, for a long term relationship. Rejection is not good or bad, it just is. By viewing dating from this perspective, you let go of guilt and shame and hold an open heart to getting the love you desire.

~~Lori