Repeating Relationship History

Repeating Relationship History Concern

Reader Question

I have just gotten out of a marriage that was abusive physically and verbally. I was married 13 years and have been divorced for almost a year. I met a man who has never been married and hasn't had kids. He has been in long term relationships and just ended one he had been in for 3 years about 9 months ago. We have been seeing each other for 3 months. We have many things in common and have gotten along great up until now. This last weekend we were at a bar with friends having a good time, but this woman who he says stalks him at work was hovering over him. He became angry at me after we left and wanted to break it off. He accused me of not trusting him like his last girlfriend and said he didn't want to take my kids' fathers place. The next day he apologized over and over again and said he didn't want our relationship to end. He said he was just really scared he would get hurt again and didn't know if he should risk it, because he is really starting to care for me. My question is should I give it a second try? I also am afraid of getting hurt again, but I feel a connection with this man that I have never felt with anyone else. On one hand I think the sooner it ends the better because then no one will get hurt as bad, but on the other hand I think that most of the time we get along so well and treat each other so well that it could be a good thing for us both. So will a relationship ever work with both our old fears from past relationships, or should we just end it now? And if there is a way to work past that, how do you do it? Thanks for your help.

~~Nikola

Expert Reply

Dear Nikola,

We all have the ability to listen to those “gut” feelings; the feelings that tell us something is up and we should pay attention. All too often we don’t trust our intuition, because the evidence is unclear. Coming from an abusive marriage, your “gut” or intuition has been naturally heightened. It needed to be in order for you to manage the unpredictable moods of your former husband. So when your intuition started talking to you while at the bar with your boyfriend, you listened. On some level, you were observing your boyfriend and the woman who was hovering over him and getting information that told you something about their interactions is not right. Even if you couldn’t articulate what wasn’t right into words, your intuition was feeding you information to warn you.

Yet, when you shared your feelings with your boyfriend, his reaction was not to reassure you but to get angry, blame the other woman, threaten to leave you, and accuse you of not trusting him. Later when he was more in control of his feelings and behavior, “he apologizes over and over again.” Does this reaction or cycle of behavior look familiar to you? It should, it is one recognized by domestic violence survivors.

Your “gut” or intuition is telling you that something is not right in this relationship; but your mind is trying to talk you out of trusting your gut by saying, “he can’t be like my ex, this relationship is different.” One of the reasons many of us choose the partners we do is because there are some qualities or characteristics that are recognizable to us. For domestic violence survivors, this can be dangerous.

You say in your letter, "I feel a connection with this man that I have never felt with anyone else." Perhaps what you are experiencing is someone who on the outside is packaged differently but on the inside is well-known to you. Dr. Harville Hendrex who writes about Imago therapy believes that "we have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences." In other words we chose partners that we feel a connection to for the purpose of working through old hurts. This of course is all on an unconscious level. It means if you have been in relationships that are abusive or addictive, you are at a higher risk of choosing a partner and repeating the same pattern within the relationship. In order to break the cycle you will need to move from being unconscious in choosing a partner to becoming conscious.

You and your boyfriend can work on this together and you can work on yourself individually. Should your boyfriend be committed enough and willing enough to work with you on the behaviors within the relationship that are controlling, demanding and not trusting, the two of you will then have an opportunity to have a mutually healthy and loving partnership. Plus, he will model for your children a healthy relationship so that they do not grow up and choose partners who will repeat what they have been exposed to through your relationships with men.

Whether your boyfriend agrees to meet with a professional or not, I would suggest you meet with a mental health counselor who has domestic violence training. This will give you an opportunity to understand what is going on within you that leads you to choose partners who are demanding and controlling. Therapy will also give you an opportunity to bring to a conscious level, what attracts you to this type of personality in order for you to do something different. Once you can identify this pattern within yourself, you can begin exploring relationships in which two people treat each other appropriately consistently. This will be good for both you and your kids.

~~Lori

Inmate Dating

Reader Question

Mrs. Lori, I need some serious advice ma'am. You see I've been married twice and divorced twice to some men who enjoyed hitting. About 7 months ago, I became friends with an inmate. I really wasn't looking to meet anyone but things between us got a little deeper than just friendship. I recently started going see him and my heart is in love with him. He tells me that he loves me and he needs me in his life. The problem I have is part of me trusts what he's telling me. Then when I don't hear from him I start thinking the worst. One of my ex husbands was an inmate but not at the time I met him. Mrs. Lori, I'm very scared of being hurt again. What do I do? I saw him last Sunday, and he told me how much he needs me and loves me but I haven't gotten a letter from him this week. Am I nuts for wanting to be with him? I'm not getting any younger, I'm just 41 but who really knows how many more chances I have to find TRUE LOVE. Thank you.

-- Contributed by: Lisa Prince

Expert Reply

Dear Lisa,

If all con men and abusers looked like scum and talked like liars, we’d all be able to spot them and no one would ever be taken advantage of or get hurt. However, con men and abusive partners don’t behave this way. On the contrary, they look like they could be your brother, neighbor or prince charming. This is why even when you have information that tells you danger, danger, run away now! Your heart says, “oh but he doesn’t look mean, and he says all the right things.”

You have a history of choosing men who have taken advantage of you and hurt you. Although you have been betrayed in the past, you’ve also learned a thing or two about how these men hurt, betrayed and took advantage of you. It’s time to put all this learning to work now with the man you’re currently interested in who lives in prison. When you think about your previous marriages, what are some of the common behaviors both husbands shared? How did they let you know they couldn’t live without you? How did they react when angry? What words did they use to hurt you, make-up and get you to come back to them? Your answers to these questions and others will tell you some common behaviors con men and abusive men have used to get you to trust them.

After you have put together your list of common words and behaviors together, how many of these things does this current man display? Whether it’s one, two or all, going into any relationship with red flags is a warning sign to be cautious. At 41 you’re entering your prime. This means that you are wiser than you were when your ex’s came into your life. Use this wisdom to guide you into a relationship where you hold high expectations, where your fear of being alone is not the reason you choose a man and where the man is physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually available to you.

~~Lori