Relationships in the Military

From LoveToKnow Dating

Are you concerned about a relationship in the military? It is a whole different kind of long distance dating dilemma. Check out what our dating coach says to this reader.

How to Have Relationships in the Military

Reader Question

Dear Lori, My girlfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 7 months. She means everything to me. Now she said she is confused and wants us to spend some time apart. I am so worried that I’m going to lose her forever. I was planning on proposing to her in a couple of days because I love her and want to spend my whole life with her. Also, I’m enlisting into the military and I don’t have much time to get her back. I just need to find away to get her back; I really hope you can help me.

-- Contributed by: Devin

Expert Reply

Dear Devin,

I assume that you have talked with your girlfriend about enlisting in the military. Therefore, she already knows that the two of you will have lots of opportunity to spend time apart. I’m also guessing your girlfriend is sensing that you’re planning to ask her to marry you and she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by not accepting. This would explain why knowing that you have enlisted, she went ahead and told you she is confused and wants to spend some time apart.

Maintaining a long distance romance is hard enough without the complications of war. It is even more difficult to do with the uncertainty that war brings. Being in a long distance relationship takes a lot of maturity, strength and a very strong commitment. Your girlfriend may not be that mature at this point in her life, even though you are. If she knows this about herself, it may be hard for her to express this to you. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it just means that she knows she is not ready for this level of commitment.

One sign is that your girlfriend is trying to avoid hurting or disappointing you. She doesn’t trust you enough to share her true feelings. Since you’re focused on what you want and not on what is going on for her, you have been missing her non-verbal signals. Perhaps your girlfriend feels she is too young to get married. Maybe she is afraid of what could happen to you. Alternatively, maybe, she cares about you deeply but not enough to marry you. These are just a few of the thoughts and emotions your girlfriend might be experiencing. Until you talk with her and focus on her, you’ll never understand what she has been trying to tell you when she asked for time apart.

Once you understand where she is coming from, the two of you can talk about where the relationship goes from here. Do you stay committed and see if you both can manage a long distance relationship before getting engaged? On the other hand, do you end the relationship but stay in contact and see if you both miss each other? Whatever is decided, keep in mind that being engaged doesn’t mean that the relationship won’t end later. It would be better to know where you stand in her eyes before you leave rather than after you’re gone. If the relationship ends now, you’ll have the love and support of family and friends near by to help you, which is better than to going off to war and grieving the loss without their support.

~~Lori

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