Regaining Trust after Cheating

Need some help regaining trust after cheating? Whether it is a new relationship or the same one, learning to trust again after an incident of cheating is difficult. Let this advice from our dating coach help.

Advice about Regaining Trust after Cheating

Reader Question

Hi... I have been with my boyfriend for about two years now. I’m 22 years old and am attending a university. I love him with all my heart, but at times, it seems like I’m going crazy because he does things that make me question the word trust. The last serious boyfriend I had cheated on me, and I caught him in the act...so from there on out I have always had trust and jealousy issues.

We have a great relationship, but we get into fights on occasion, mostly when we go out at night. There are many temptations here at school with girls being more than friendly toward him at the bars and parties. I am his first serious girlfriend.

Last Saturday night, I left my house to go to a party where he was at with some of our mutual friends. When I got there, he was already drunk, and didn’t seem to be paying me any attention at all. No kiss hello, no being by my side… he was mingling with every girl there besides me. I blew it off and didn’t want to start trouble, so a group of us ended up going to the bars. When we went to the bar, he acted as if I wasn’t even there. After about 45 minutes he came up to me asking me what my problem was. I wasn’t about to be at the bar with him swearing at me, so I left and walked all the way home by myself. About an hour went by and he finally called me... we argued on the phone and he was making no sense saying he did nothing wrong. We were starting to get things resolved on the phone when all of a sudden I heard girls screaming his name in the background and he instantly started saying , "whatever” then" bye” and then he hangs up. This was at about 12am... no phone call the rest of the night. His roommate’s girlfriend calls telling me he never came home that night. I find out later he slept over at the one girl’s apartment who I cannot stand because she is all over him whenever I’m not around.

The next day he calls me at 12pm asking to come over. He comes over. He claims he slept on the couch. He claims he was drunk and doesn’t remember things. He insists he didn’t do anything dumb. I forgave him...but I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened. No phone call when he knew I was crying and upset... and then he sleeps over this girl’s apartment? He was honest with me about sleeping over there but says he slept on the couch. I know I have issues because my last relationship when I walked in on my last boyfriend cheating on me.... but I can’t get this situation off my mind with my current boyfriend.. every time I look at him or when I’m by myself all I can think about is "he was wasted...he slept over Shannon’s."

I’ve talked to him about the situation and how I feel. I forgave him. I just can’t get over this. Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I can say? I don’t want to think about it anymore but I cant help it... it’s driving me crazy.

-- Contributed by: Lynn

Expert Reply'

Dear Lynn,

Having been in a relationship in which your boyfriend cheated on you means that you are more sensitive to the signals of dishonesty. Nevertheless, it can also mean that you carry a suitcase with your insecurity and jealousy around with you wherever you go. This baggage has the potential to ruin a new relationship. It’s like you’re living in the past and every new relationship doesn’t get a fair shake because he is constantly compared to the sins of the past boyfriend. No one wants to be in that kind of relationship. If this sounds like you, then I would say that you have to address this and free yourself of carrying around the past. A counselor or other professional would be a good resource to work out the past.

On the other hand, having a high sensitivity to behaviors or subtle signals of unfaithfulness can be a positive. If used objectively, these signals can be like a sixth sense that warns you to pay attention, something is not right here! This means that you learned the lessons of the past and can separate out dishonesty in your partner from jealousy on your part.

A healthy relationship is one in which you feel secure and your partner does not engage in behaviors that would jeopardize the relationship. An unhealthy relationship means that one or both partners behave in ways that stir up insecurities rather than reduce them. Some individuals are drawn to unhealthy relationships because there is so much excitement surrounding them. This drama provides an adrenaline rush. As a result, when the individual is not in a drama relationship, he or she thinks their partner is boring and predictable. What this individual doesn’t realize is that when the couple relationship is stable, the couple can focus on other things rather than creating drama.

I think you have a high sensitivity to behaviors of unfaithfulness in your partner. There is nothing in your question that leads me to believe your jealousy or insecurity is the reason you can’t forget about that night. On the contrary, I think the reason you can’t truly forgive your boyfriend is that the behaviors he displayed are all images that are like neon signs in your mind telling you to pay attention, something is not right here. Since he has told you he was drunk and can’t remember things, you can’t be sure where he slept when he spent the night at Shannon’s.

You may have told him you forgave him, but your heart is saying otherwise. This is why you can’t get over the incident. You have two choices for getting over this. The first is, learn to trust that what he told you was the truth and forgive his indiscretions. To do this you would have to remind yourself that the past is the past and you are not going to focus in the past. The second option is to tell your boyfriend that there is no excuse for his behaviors that night. You are willing to let go of what happened as long as he demonstrates behaviors that you never have to question. Then list out what those behaviors are for you. If he can agree to your limits, give him a chance to live up to your expectations. If he cannot…then it may be time for you to consider finding a new boyfriend.

~~Lori

Troublesome Woman

Reader Question

I've been dating someone for 3 months and we got engaged 2 months ago. I've known her since I was young, and re-met her when I got out of the Navy in October. She's been very distant to me for the past few days and I believe her to be an alcoholic. She's already cheated on me once, but I want to work through it (she cheated on me while we were engaged). She has had a very rough past (abusive relationship with mother, friends dying, little sister dying before she was born and her mother calls her April ((Sister's name)) ). I feel as if she's not happy with me for some reason and every time I try to talk to her about it, she becomes defensive and upset (talking with her about anything she's hurting with is usually a touchy subject). What can I do to keep the woman of my dreams without sacrificing her happiness or mine?

-- Contributed by: Mo

Expert Reply

Dear Mo,

It is very noble of you to want to make this woman’s dreams come true. What person wouldn’t love to have someone else to be responsible for her happiness? When we make someone else responsible, we don’t have to change. We don’t have to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions. The problem here is that to be an adult, we must take responsibility, regardless of the circumstances of our lives. This growth to maturity is called living. Life is not fair, just or equal. Faced with those challenges, we can learn how to make lemonade from lemons.

Your fiancé has many problems to deal with. This is part of the problem; she is not dealing. Instead, she avoids with alcohol, and by hurting those close to her, including you. When she is ready to face her challenges and deal with her pain, you can help. You can’t rescue her and you can’t make it better. I hear that you care a great deal for this woman and want to help her. No one, you included, has the power to change another person if that person does not want to change.

This woman needs professional help. She cannot just go to a professional, she also has to do the work required. The professional can’t make her face her problems. The professional will help her come up with a plan of action, be non-judgmental, and be very supportive through the process.

To stay with your fiancé should she continue to refuse to get help, will mean you will be hurt. Rather than trying to hold on to her, try to be willing to let her go in order for her to realize that life with you is better than a life without you.

~~Lori

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