Recovering from Cheating

Are you and your partner recovering from cheating? This can be a difficult process to go through in any kind of relationship. Check out what our dating coach says to this reader.

Hello, I have been married about a year now and I am in the military. On my last deployment my wife cheated on me. I forgave her but when I returned home before we saw each other things got very bad. I cheated on her and came clean. Now we are together and though we have talked through everything and want to make it work, things just don’t seem right. What can we try to regain the spark that I know we still have for each other?

-- Contributed by: Shane

Dear Shane,

While you believe that the two of you have talked through everything, the fact that "things just don’t seem right" tells me that you and your wife aren’t finished talking. Contrary to what you might think, cheating in a marriage is a result of underlining problems that already exist in a marriage. Cheating is not the cause of marital problems, although it definitely adds to the existing ones. In your case, there are two underlining issues to explore, if you haven’t already done so. One issue is about understanding what was going on for your wife that she turned to cheating rather than talking with you. The other issue is the why and how you dealt with her behavior. These issues typically require a professional. Therefore, if the two of you haven’t already done so, I am going to suggest you both talk with a professional. If you already have sought the services of someone and have stopped, then you need to either go back or find someone new.

Marriage is built on a foundation of trust and in your case both of you destroyed that foundation. Before you regain the spark, you’re going to need to address what is getting in the way of lighting the fire – lack of trust. This is a HUGE roadblock and if the two of you don’t work on that issue, nothing you do to light a fire in your marriage will last for long. You say that "we have talked through everything and want to make it work, but things just don’t seem right." It is likely that one or both of you have not shared information on a deeper trusting level. This might be because someone does not feel safe to share or is afraid of how the other person will react if he/she knows the truth.

Dating is the way two people get to know each other and begin building trust in one another. Dating again, will help the two of you rebuild a trusting relationship as you get to know each other for who you are because of going through the difficulties of your first year of marriage. However, dating will be short lived if the two of you have not worked through the deepest issues. Once the deepest issues are revealed, it’ll be so much easier to ignite the fire.

~~Lori

My boyfriend and I got engaged a week or two after meeting. When I met him, I knew he had been in a previous 6-year abusive relationship in which both parties constantly cheated on each other. This resulted in them having a child, but he no longer had contact with them. About a month and a half into our engagement I found out I was pregnant. In this instance, he freaked, so we decided on an abortion, especially with things being so new. Later, I found out the way he came up with the money for my abortion was by participating in a porno with this girl who was dating his friend. Never in a million years would have thought he could do such a thing. So naturally, I felt majorly betrayed and disgusted by this act, yet after discussing the situation with him further, I chose to stay and try to make it work. After a year and a half of living with each other, I still never let it go. I would harass him daily about it, which in turn led to us fighting everyday. This May he finally moved out, which in his words was "to make this work." He said he loved me but I obviously was never going to forgive him and he could not live this way. He thought maybe if we weren't under the same roof distance might make us stronger and realize what we once had. Of course, I was devastated and felt that his move meant we were officially over. Though I battered him about his mistake, I truly loved him I just couldn't let it go.

Any way, he moved and so did I. We never lost contact, though we still fought. He continued to stay at my place at least 3-4 days per week. This August I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. So we decided to again make it work. Things were still rocky, but I never brought up the past. About a week ago, I found pictures of him and another woman. I confronted him and he confessed to a 2-week fling with a woman whom he worked with for a brief time. This fling took place in September while we were still seeing each other and I was about 2-3 months pregnant. This was the one thing he promised never to do again!! I can't help but feel I pushed him away with my constant degrading, but this is the exact reason I could never let it go.

He said he felt their affair at the time was a beautiful thing, though now he claims to have lost everything. He asks me what does he do now. I told him to move on, I just can't forgive him twice. He says he loves me and always will. At the same time, I think I'm just fooling myself, and if he truly loved me he couldn't have cheated. Now let me say I love this man with all my heart. I am 6 months pregnant with his child, and moving back home to relieve my stress and get a fresh perspective. We do not talk about what happened and I have not yet chose to forgive and take him back. However, deep inside I want to just be in his arms. We both know we need to be cordial for the sake of the baby, but that is where we have left it. I guess my question would be if you feel there is any hope for us in the future. I wanted this to be my family, him to be my husband. I just feel we've been down such a long road of pain and have no clue if there is any chance in coming back from it. I am so lost, and this child on the way makes this that much harder. Please help. I sure could use some advice.

~~A.G.

Dear A. G.,

I see two issues going on here. The first is your fiancé’s trustworthiness and the second is your way of loving someone. While you need trust in order to have a successful relationship, in your case it is the way you and your boyfriend behave. Let's explore how each of you behaves lovingly toward one another and how each of you demonstrates trust for the other person.

Let’s start with your fiancé. Two things will happen ti tell you his future behavior won’t be like his past behavior. He can tell you what he learned about cheating from his previous relationships AND he can demonstrate that he no longer cheats by telling you about his past "faithful" relationships. In this example, his words and his actions/behaviors must match. This does not seem to be the case here. From what I have gathered, you don’t mention anything about the relationships he had during the three years before you met him. Was he in any monogamous relationships or are you his first since the six-year relationship?

I am not convinced that starring in a porn movie is cheating. From what I can tell, your fiancé was trying to get money fast for an abortion. Given his lack of money, skill and resources, he did what he could to come up with that money. He took a job that would give him some quick cash. The industry he got work in was the sex industry. If the only thing that happened between him and this other woman was the making of the movie, that is not cheating, that is working. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that I condone or approve of the line of work, I am simply saying he was working not cheating. There is a difference.

I can’t say the same thing about the affair that happened with the woman he previously worked with. That to me sounds like he cheated. Nevertheless, I don’t agree with you that he cheated a second time. To me, he cheated the first time; you accused him of cheating a second time. Which brings me to my second concern and that is the way you and your fiancé demonstrate love for each other.

You say that you have always loved this man but your behavior says something else. Is it love you are giving when you constantly accuse someone of wrong doing where there is no wrongdoing? If you can’t forgive, are you demonstrating love? When you take what is good between you and make it ugly are you really showing loving behavior? Likewise, when your fiancé chose to take a job in the sex industry without talking to you first, was he demonstrating loving you? Love that can endure is built on established trust.

Love also has two components, emotion and logic. Our emotions tell us how we feel about something or someone. We use our logic to reason, give trust and problem-solve with our partner. When we combine our emotions with our logic, we can make an informed decision as to whether or not the person of our affection is a good choice. For your sake and that of your unborn baby, I would ask you to examine not only your fiancé’s behavior, but that of your own as well. Let this soul searching guide you to decide if the relationship with your ex is worth another chance.

~~Lori

• Ways to Say I Love You
• Romantic Gifts for Guys
• Boyfriend Gift Guide
• How Do You Know He Is Falling For You
• Love Romance Compatibility Tests

• Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend
• Sweet Things To Say To Your Boyfriend
• Craigslist.com Personals
• Free Local Chat Rooms
• Free Anime Dating Sim Game

• Advice on Understanding What Men Need
• Problem with Porn
• Category:Dating Experts
• Cheating
• Is My Man Cheating