Recovering from Cheating

Recovering from Cheating Advice

Reader Question

Hello, I have been married about a year now and I am in the military. On my last deployment my wife cheated on me. I forgave her but when I returned home before we saw each other things got very bad. I cheated on her and came clean. Now we are together and though we have talked through everything and want to make it work, things just don’t seem right. What can we try to regain the spark that I know we still have for each other?

-- Contributed by: Shane

Expert Reply

Dear Shane,

While you believe that the two of you have talked through everything, the fact that "things just don’t seem right" tells me that you and your wife aren’t finished talking. Contrary to what you might think, cheating in a marriage is a result of underlining problems that already exist in a marriage. Cheating is not the cause of marital problems, although it definitely adds to the existing ones. In your case, there are two underlining issues to explore, if you haven’t already done so. One issue is about understanding what was going on for your wife that she turned to cheating rather than talking with you. The other issue is the why and how you dealt with her behavior. These issues typically require a professional. Therefore, if the two of you haven’t already done so, I am going to suggest you both talk with a professional. If you already have sought the services of someone and have stopped, then you need to either go back or find someone new.

Marriage is built on a foundation of trust and in your case both of you destroyed that foundation. Before you regain the spark, you’re going to need to address what is getting in the way of lighting the fire – lack of trust. This is a HUGE roadblock and if the two of you don’t work on that issue, nothing you do to light a fire in your marriage will last for long. You say that "we have talked through everything and want to make it work, but things just don’t seem right." It is likely that one or both of you have not shared information on a deeper trusting level. This might be because someone does not feel safe to share or is afraid of how the other person will react if he/she knows the truth.

Dating is the way two people get to know each other and begin building trust in one another. Dating again, will help the two of you rebuild a trusting relationship as you get to know each other for who you are because of going through the difficulties of your first year of marriage. However, dating will be short lived if the two of you have not worked through the deepest issues. Once the deepest issues are revealed, it’ll be so much easier to ignite the fire.

~~Lori