Recovering from Alcoholic Relationships

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Do you need some help recovering from alcoholic relationships? Let our dating coach's response to this reader help.

Help Recovering from Alcoholic Relationships

Reader Question

Dear Lori, I have been looking everywhere for books to help or maybe group classes that I could attend in person or online. I know the root of my problem is from my parents, but I don't know how to overcome it. Both my parents were alcoholics. My mom hasn't drank in 10 years and my dad died in 2003 from alcoholism. I’m am currently 33 and a GREAT school teacher! I lived with a guy for 5 years that was a recovering alcoholic and in the end of our relationship he was very abusive. He broke my arm, hand, ribs, black eyes, and he always blamed me for everything. I'm not a negative or angry person. I have always been a very loving, trusting, and passionate person. I finally had the courage to kick him out December 2006. My problem is that I FINALLY met a good guy on eharmony of all places. His family is wonderful and they have completely taken me in their arms. We don't live together, but we have exchanged keys. My problem is that I always think that he's going to break up with me any day. He knows about my past and he says he loves me and that he likes being with me. I want to stop thinking and feeling this way. How can I do that???? Please help...

-- Contributed by: Lynda

Expert Reply

Dear Lynda,

Coming from an alcoholic family means that your role models were people who didn’t know how to manage their emotions without the aid of alcohol. Unfortunately, your father died before learning this difficult lesson. Your mom on the other hand, seems to be working on a daily bases to address this issue. This is wonderful for her and for you. Her ability to manage her emotions without the aid of alcohol demonstrates that people change and so can you. Having come from an alcoholic family, you have learned survival behaviors. One in particular was how to take care of people. This explains why you chose a partner who was also an alcoholic. His behaviors were predictable as well as familiar to you.

Now you are dating a man who has unfamiliar behaviors. He is able to manage the highs and lows of his emotions without the aid of alcohol. Because of choosing a partner who is healthier than your previous boyfriend was, you are unsure of his dependence on you. The analogy is if he is not sick, then how do I know he needs me? The signs he wants to be with you are different from with an alcoholic and as a result you are unsure of his commitment. This is why you often feel he will break up with you.

Recognizing this is wonderful and demonstrates a willingness on your part to take action! Because you are ready to take action, I am going to suggest that you seek out the services of a relationship coach. Coaching is action-oriented and it will compliment your insightfulness. Coaching is also something you can do in-person or on the phone, which means you are not limited to your immediate area to find a good coach. Like therapy, you want to find someone who is a good fit. Many coaches offer a complimentary session, which you can use as a way to interview the person before committing to work with him/her. Prices and specialties vary, so start your search online. You can check out the Coaching Federation and look locally. You can search for a coach by specialty, i.e., relationship coach, dating coach, personal coach, etc.

A benefit to using a coach is that you can get immediate feedback to your questions as well as develop skills for engaging in a healthy romantic relationship. Having a coach is like having a co-pilot, someone who will follow your lead on your journey to happiness.

~~Lori

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