Reading and Interpreting Body Language

Reading and interpreting body language is a skill that everyone should have. Understanding how a person feels through this often unnoticed form of communication can help you to be more effective in many aspects of your life. This interview with Toni Coleman, LCSW, will help you understand how reading and interpreting body language can strengthen and enhance your relationships in addition to helping you find that special someone.

Toni Coleman

Toni Coleman, LCSW

Toni Coleman is a licensed psychotherapist. In addition, she is a recognized expert relationship coach and the founder of Consum-mate.com.

Among her accomplishments, Toni has been quoted in numerous publications including The Orlando Sentinel, Newsweek, Woman's Day, People and many more. She also has her own syndicated column, Dear Dating Coach as well of being the author of her own newsletter, The Art of Intimacy. LoveToKnow Dating is happy to have the opportunity to learn from her great expertise.

Interview with Relationship Expert

How do You Define "Body Language"?

Body language is all the non-verbal communication that passes from someone to those around them. This language is spoken through eye contact, facial expressions, body gestures, posture and other mannerisms. Approximately 73 percent of what we communicate comes from our body language, not through what we say.

How Can Reading and Interpreting Body Language Help in Building Relationships?

Understanding body language is critical in all relationships because it gives us the most complete and candid information about what the other person is thinking and feeling. If we tune it out, our relationships never go beneath the surface to a deeper level of intimacy, because so much of what is said is screened by one's intellect--and can be misleading and constructed to convey what the person wants you to hear, or believes you want to hear--rather than what is genuinely being experienced.

What Role does Body Language Play in Attraction?

To use a good example, flirting is all about body language. Someone who carries himself or herself with an air of confidence, openness and an interest in others will get noticed. A warm smile, strong eye contact and having posture that says, "I'd like to hear more about you", is very attractive. Body language makes the first and strongest impression. When someone comes across positively, they increase their chances of making that first important connection and having it lead to another.

What Signals Should We be Aware Of?

Tune in to how a person stands in proximity to you, what they do with their hands, their eye contact (steady or fleeting) and what their expression--not their words--is saying to you.

For instance, if you are meeting someone for the first time and they stand back or at an angle to you, their eyes dart from your face to the ground or glancing around the room, they cross their arms or hunch their shoulders, and their facial expression is flat, bored or irritated--this is someone who is not interested in talking to you or is uncomfortable in the situation. They may be having a bad day or are preoccupied with a problem. Whatever the reason, they have hung out the "do not disturb" sign.

What Signals Should Tell Us to Stay Away or Be Careful?

In this kind of scenario, there is an intuitive feeling that something isn't right. This is usually triggered by the person's facial expression and what they are doing with their eyes (staring?), physical distance (too close?), possible inappropriate touching (all touching when you have just met is inappropriate) and the overall way in which they carry themselves. When that red flag comes up, it is prudent to step back and set a strong boundary between you and this individual.

Is there a Difference in Body Language Between Men and Women?

Only in that they may reflect the cultural stereotypes of how men and women are expected to present and carry themselves.

For instance, good eye contact, a warm smile and a confident posture are generally positive in both men and women, and send the same message. However, a man may walk, sit and stand with a more assertive posture. He may be the first one to attempt the eye contact or to move towards a woman he is interested in speaking to. The woman may then in turn offer a nice smile back or position herself so that it is easier for him to approach her.

Men are often the ones who extend their hand first upon meeting someone new, or offer a wave or other appropriate gesture towards a woman they find attractive.

In dating situations, a man shows interest by opening doors, holding out chairs and helping her with her coat, etc. Both will lean towards each other, offer a gentle touch on the arm or shoulder, maintain strong eye contact and nod or use facial gestures to show they are interested and like what they are seeing, hearing and feeling. There is some variation between different ethnic and religious cultures, depending upon the norms they follow.

Give Some Examples

I have done some of this above, but will offer some classic "body signals" and their meanings.

• Little or no eye contact--closed--off, uninterested, uncomfortable, not trustworthy and/or hiding something

• "Flat" expression--bored, preoccupied, anxious, uninterested and/or annoyed

• Leaning away from the other person--trying to get distance, uncomfortable, wanting to move away from the person and/or a desire to cut off communication and/or get distance

• Arms crossed--closed position that usually indicates discomfort, defensiveness, seeking distance

• Pursed or parted lips--flirting, likes what they see

• Quizzical look--interested, wants to know more

• Touching their own face, ears--attraction to another person

• Turning away from the other person when sitting or standing--seeking distance, uncomfortable

• Legs/arms tucked in tightly when sitting with someone--closed in, secretive, uncomfortable

How Can You Come Across as More Appealing through Body Language?

A classic example is the person who, upon meeting someone new, offers direct and full eye contact, accompanied by a firm handshake. This conveys positive self-confidence, openness and interest in the other person. It also helps the other person to feel more at ease in the situation.

In the dating world, someone who walks into the room with their shoulders back, their head erect, a nice smile and their eyes open to what is around them, is communicating an openness to meeting others. Staying out of corners, attempting eye contact with that interesting stranger, leaning towards the person they are speaking to, nodding as they listen to what this other person has to say and maintaining constant attention and eye contact throughout any discussion are all ways of saying "I enjoy talking to you and have an interest in what you are saying.

An important aspect that is often cited as reason for attraction to someone is how strongly he or she is attracted in return. In other words, having someone really interested in you is a turn on.

Can Reading Body Language Help You Determine if You have Found "The One"?

Yes, and it can help you to avoid being in a negative pattern of dating people who are not truly available or interested, or don't want what you want--which can lead to a whole lot of wasted time and a false belief that something must either be wrong with you or that there is no one out there who would be a good match. If everyone was truly fluent in body language, misunderstanding would decrease and communication between people would be taken to a much higher level.

Thank You

LTK Dating would like to that Toni Coleman for taking the time for this enlightening interview.

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