Professional Boundaries

Confusing Personal and Professional Boundaries

Reader Question

Lori, A former co-worker asked me last year to help her brother start and run a small company, I agreed. I met her brother, and he and I became instant friends. Although we work very closely together, we do not see each other all the time. He still holds his old job out of state, until the business can take off. He is married, but very unhappily. He began calling me all the time. He calls me on his three hour drive to work, he calls throughout the day, and he calls on his long drive home. He gets upset when I miss his calls. The calls are not always about work. Sometimes we just sit on the phone without saying anything, but not wanting to hang up. He tells me his day is not complete unless he has had his Joanna fill, by talking to me. His sister always teases us that we are perfect for each other and we should be married. He says he just likes me. But there have been times either after he has been drinking or not that he tells me stuff - Like: I miss you; you are penetrating my barrier; I should have been with you tonight; I like that you take care of me; I don't know what I am missing, and other things. I tease him about being my "boy" - he said several times he likes being my boy. I see him maybe once a week in person to go through company stuff, sometimes for an hour, sometimes more.

We are two very different people. He is social, likes going out. He is a player. He likes to go to strip clubs, so he likes those perfect looking girls. I am far from that, I am reserved, quiet, I do not like going to the clubs anymore. I am heavy, I am confident when it comes to my work, but personally/physically I have no confidence. He is not that perfect looking of a guy either.

I know more about him personally than even his own wife. She has no involvement with him or his company or his life other than the money he brings home. I met her once and she talked so bad about him, but he wants to take care of his children.

Sometime last month he came over and we were intimate. We both fought it as long as we could. But he refused to kiss me, he said it was too intimate, that he was not sure if he wanted to go to that level with me, because of our friendship and working relationship.

Then about a week later he went to a strip club and met this tiny little, hot waitress... Every time he is in town and she is off they are together, clubing, dancing, and having sex. The reason I know this is because he calls and tells me everything. Since he has met her, we have not been intimate. We still constantly talk, he calls me 75% of the time and I call him the other 25% of the time.

Lori, I admit I am jealous. But forget that part. What I do not understand is, even before he met her, is his confiding in me. He even tells me he is comfortable enough with me to go to the bathroom while we are on the phone together, he does not even do that with his wife he says.

I care for him, so much. I love him. What does he want from me? Does he care about me, does he or will he ever love me? And how do I handle all of this? How do I deal with the information he tells me about this girl that he is seeing. How am I supposed to act?

-- Contributed by: joanna

Expert Reply

Dear Joanna,

You are in a tough situation. You have developed a working relationship and emotional relationship with your business partner, which has put you in a double bind. If one relationship ends, so may the other. Your personality is such that you are the loyal type. Intellectually, your confidence is with your business sense. When you sign on to do something, you follow through. In this case, you are committed to seeing that the business is successful. However, on the emotional side, you do best with a one-on–one relationship. An emotionally intimate relationship has developed between you and your business partner. Your weight has added to your emotional vulnerability because it has become a barrier to meeting men and developing a romantic relationship. The time lapse since you have had intimacy with a man makes your heart vulnerable to the attention your business partner has been giving you.

Your business partner is in a double bind as well. He had a great idea for developing a business and his sister knew a smart and dedicated woman that could help him get his idea off the ground, that dynamic woman being you. His personality is such that his confidence is at its highest when his professional and his personal life are working. Right now, neither is working well. He is working at a job he doesn’t care for, which is why the success of the business is important to him. His marriage is not as exciting as it was in the beginning. Rather than work on that with his wife, whom he blames for why the marriage has changed, he has turned to two other women to get his needs met. You meet his emotional needs. You have given him an affectionate pet name, which he loves. You listen to him, which he needs and you nurture him, which he has come to depend on. As a result, he has no boundaries with you, professional or otherwise (hence talking with you on the phone while using the toilet). As for his relationship with the waitress from the strip club, she meets his physical and his ego needs, by being hot and having sex with him. If this new business were not to make it, he would lose in many ways. Two that are important; he would be stuck in his job and his self-image would remain low.

I point out the different personality types in order to break down how entwined the two of are in an unhealthy way. I am trying to help you to see the forests through the trees, in order to point out how complicated your questions are and why I can’t provide an easy answer. In addition, I fear that your ability to make decisions which are in your best interest professionally and emotionally are in serious jeopardy. Your heart is overriding your good business sense and as a result, you’re emotionally vulnerable. I don’t know if your business partner is aware of what he is doing, but to help you sort through this, I am recommending that you talk with a mental health professional.

By talking with a professional you can explain in detail just how entangled this professional and personal relationship with this man has become. The professional will help you separate things out so that you can sort the healthy from unhealthy parts of the relationships and then set some professional and personal limits with this man. This work with a professional counselor or therapist is vital to your success!

~~Lori