Problem with Porn

Does your boyfriend have a problem with porn? Check out this advice from our dating coach.

Problem with Porn

Reader Question

Lori: As a social worker, I assist so many people with daily life issues. Now I have one where I am very perplexed. My live in boyfriend and I have had difficulties like most. We have temporarily separated as well. The main reason was his Internet porn watching. He has made promises that it doesn't mean anything and will stop because of my feelings. Unfortunately, his behavior speaks volumes. A couple of months ago I was having trouble with my virus protection software. When I asked to use his computer to pay bills he got automatically defensive. How do I approach him without putting him on the defensive? Having a rational and calm discussion is not his strong suit. He's wonderful and very loving. Also he never views anything with me here. Sometimes I feel I'm overreacting. PLEASE HELP MY SANITY! Thank you very much.

-- Contributed by: Wendy

Expert Reply'

Dear Wendy,

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. No wonder you are worried about your sanity, you keep trying to change your boyfriend. You fight him on the topic of his Internet porn use. Separate with him over it and you keep trying to make him promise to stop using the Internet to watch porn. You’ve probably figured out by now, that none of these tactics have worked.

You describe your boyfriend as wonderful and loving. His only vice seems to be that he views Internet porn. Nowhere in your question do you say that his viewing is interfering with him spending time with you, being financially responsible or he is at risk of losing his job. It appears he has a handle on acceptable viewing. He doesn’t let it interfere with your relationship. He doesn’t watch it in front of you nor does he let it interfere with your sexual intimacy. I am guessing that the reason he got weird when you wanted to use his computer is that he doesn’t want you to discover his use and risk disappointing you…again

The challenge isn’t trying to change him; it’s you accepting him for who he is. Given that you don’t approve of his interest, it is unlikely he will want to discuss the topic with you, especially since he enjoys watching it. In turn, if you accept his vice and set some limits when the two of you are living together, my guess is he will be more than willing to hear what you have to say without getting defensive.

While some people feel that porn is immoral, not everyone agrees. This would include your boyfriend. If you feel that porn is immoral, then it is understandable that your boyfriend’s viewing would bother you. Nevertheless, that doesn’t make his viewing wrong. It only means that you are the one with the issue. Perhaps it would be better for you to seek a boyfriend who is not interested in Internet porn. That way you can stay sane and he won’t have to worry about you trying to change him.

~~Lori.

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