Possessive Love

From LoveToKnow Dating

Let this reader question to our Ask the Dating Coach advice column help you deal with possessive love.

Possessive Love Advice

Reader Question

Dear Lori,

I have a boyfriend who is very loving and affectionate. He wants to be with me all the time and is constantly telling me he loves me and misses me when I am not with him. I like all this attention, but I have a much busier life than him and more friends. I am also more ambitious. Sometimes I would prefer to spend time alone or with my friends, but I feel pressure from him to see him instead. I try to hold my ground but it is difficult. He gets very upset if I am late to meet him as he sees this as a sign of my ambivalence. And while most of the time he is wrong, it is just that I am busy and therefore run late, in some ways he is right because I am ambivalent.

I am ambivalent because sometimes he seems ignorant and prejudiced and holds opinions that I cannot identify with or accept. I find that he often will criticize things that I am interested in, such as authors and artists I admire and my religion. And while I think it is fine for my partner to have a difference of opinion, most of the time his opinion is based on ignorance. He will insult a book he has never read or criticize an artist whose work he has never seen and it really rubs me the wrong way. I have tried to ignore this because in other ways he seems to be perfectly matched to me - he wants to get married and have kids, he is committed to me. He is interested in the art and literature, and often has something original and interesting to say; he likes to do the same activities as me. He has very strong opinions and is stubborn. Sometimes this is good and sometimes not.

I don't think the relationship will work in the long run because of his attitude towards my religious affiliation and his need for constant attention. I say religious affiliation because I am an atheist. I was raised Jewish and still enjoy celebrating the holidays. When I have kids I assume they will be Jewish, but I don't mind if we celebrate Christmas or other holidays of another religion too. I am fairly open. When I discussed this with him he replied with "I want my kids to be normal American kids, I want them to be atheists who celebrate the holidays that everyone celebrates likes Christmas and Easter, which are more capitalist than religious. I don't want my kids to be brainwashed by religion. All religions are bad." He promised to be open-minded, but when I explained to him about what I like about my religion he just says I only feel that way because I was insecure and brainwashed. We cannot communicate on this issue. I am not very religious so I am shocked at how important this argument has become.

It seems ok to stay with him for now because if we steer clear of this issue we have a good time, except for when he is upset that I am busy with my own things. I am worried that if I leave him I will never find someone as loving and committed as him. But, if I stay I have to fool myself into believing it could last. I don't want to end up caring more for work than for my relationships, but compared to him I am a workaholic and so part of me thinks I should want to be more like him. I should want to spend more time with him. If I leave him I know I will be lonely and miss him.

Yours,

Confused Maxine

Expert Reply

Dear Confused Maxine,

I appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts and feelings in your letter. I noticed that your letter did not contain a question. There are however, several unspoken questions in your letter for which I am going to try and respond. One question is: is adult love possessive? The answer is, no. Adult love is secure. It embraces individual growth as well as growth of the couple. It lifts you up so you feel like you can accomplish almost anything. It is patient and forgiving.

In your letter, you say that, “If I am late to meet him as he sees this as a sign of my ambivalence. And while most of the time he is wrong, it is just that I am busy and therefore run late, in some ways he is right because I am ambivalent.” We tend to know things on a gut level before we know it in our mind. This is why sometimes our words and behavior don’t match. I am thinking that your guy is sensing your ambivalence and that what he is reacting to is the unspoken conversation the two of you are not having. Your unspoken ambivalence about the relationship is demonstrated in your lateness. This will likely not change until you have an honest discussion with your guy.

Another unspoken question in your letter seems to be around whether or not two people with different values and different interests can be compatible? I don’t think so. The reason is because successful couples are more similar than different. Although we have heard opposites attract, this it the result of someone putting the burden on the other person for character traits they themselves don’t have. As a result when couples are too different, they tend to spend much of the relationship trying to change the other person. However, when couples are more similar, they spend their time sharing in the similar interests. The relationship is easier and much less a struggle.

In your letter, you say that, “He will insult a book he has never read or criticize an artist whose work he has never seen and it really rubs me the wrong way.” I am thinking that your guy is aware that what he is interested in and what you are interested in are not the same. He feels insecure with your knowledge in areas that he knows little about. As a result of this lack of education he prefers to lash out, rather than acknowledge your different interests. This way of dealing with your differences will not go away just because the two of you have children. It is likely to get worse as the issue moves from him not knowing much about authors and art to something neither of you knows much about; raising your own children. Now the struggle of who is right and who is wrong will fall on each of you as parents.

Another unspoken question has to do with heritage. While some might think of Judaism as a religion, it also has its own language, food, land and culture. While you may be atheist, your heritage is not so easily ignored. This is why you struggle with the values you want to pass on to your children, they come from Jewish heritage. To ignore these values is to not have an identity.

In your letter, you say that, “He replied, I want my kids to be normal American kids. I want them to be atheists who celebrate the holidays that everyone celebrates like Christmas and Easter.” I am thinking your guy does not recognize by his statement that he is saying to celebrate holidays associated with the Jewish religion is to stand out, while holidays associated with Jesus Christ is to assimilate with the American population. His thinking is wrong and narrow. If he is this imposing with the idea of how to raise children, he will not be different once children are present.

The final unspoken question seems to ask, what you should do? From what I can tell, you already know the answer in your heart. It is true that when a relationship ends there is grieving. It is also true that when a relationship ends you will be alone for a period of time and will miss your guy. But, your grieving will end and new opportunities for a relationship will show up when you are ready. Until then, allow your heart to grieve and then move forward. New love can only enter when your attention is focused on what you want in a man and not on what you don’t want in a partner.

~~ Lori

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