Planning a Wedding

Planning a Wedding Advice

Reader Question

My finance and I have set a wedding date of July 19, 2008. Since this time our relationship has gone down hill. We argue constantly about everything. He seems more controlling than normal. We never see eye to eye on anything anymore! We don't spend time together like we used to, it is just a mess. I am at the point of calling off this wedding, and say forget to the whole thing. I just don't know what to do anymore.

~~Tasha

Expert Reply

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Before you got engaged, I’ll bet you imagined what it would be like to marry this wonderful man you were dating. How the two of you might live this great romantic life; together buying a place to live, planning dinner parties and entertaining friends and family; even how large your own family would be. You and your fiancé might have even discussed some of these ideas together and agreed on the shared vision.

I’ll bet neither of you talked about how you would negotiate differences or how the two of you react to stress or how difficult decisions would get made. Even if you had discussed these areas, you haven’t had much practice in implementing your ideas for problem-solving. This is quite common for people who are dating or engaged. The reason, when you’re dating someone it is easier to compromise or be open to new perspectives. It’s fun to discover all the areas, views, opinions and ideas you have in common with each other. The more commonalities two people share the closer they feel to one another. Which is why, when the same couple discovers the areas, views, opinions and ideas that they don’t have in common, their immediate reaction is to fear that the relationship may be doomed. Does this sound like you?

If you fear that the differences you and your fiancé are having to wedding planning could mean that this is just the tip of the iceberg, then it would be reasonable that your reaction would be to consider “calling off this wedding and say forget the whole thing.” Chances are likely that if you’re feeling this way, your fiancé may have similar feelings. Before you call the whole thing off, consider that this may be the opportunity/challenge you both need to demonstrate that the two of you are indeed meant for each other.

What Makes a Good Marriage?

When it comes to identifying what makes a good marriage partner, Eli J. Finkel, Ph.D. has done his research in this area. What he discovered is that the ability for two people to get in sync effectively is a crucial component to a couple’s happiness. While some of the decisions you and your fiancé made while dating were collaborative, the majority were independent decisions. Planning a wedding presents an opportunity to learn how to make decisions together.

When you marry someone you are not just marrying him, you are marrying all of his friends and family and visa versa, which is why planning a wedding is so challenging. Like raising children, people often feel the need to get involved in your decision making. Many of the decisions involved in planning your wedding involve other people’s opinions, wishes and traditions. Therefore, a wedding can bring families together in way that is positive and heart felt. This is why everyone is eager to share their respective wishes with the fiancé whose side the family represents.

It is not the wedding that will make the marriage, but it can be a way to building a strong partnership. First, you and your fiancé need to talk. Share with him, without judgment, how you have felt about the arguing. Then ask him how he has been feeling. Should he be a little judgmental or self-righteous, try as best you can to ignore words expressed and focus on the emotions he may be trying to express.

After the two of you have reached a consensus on the challenges, and validated each others’ respective feelings about the situation, you are then ready to problem-solve. Begin by identifying and writing down all the tasks that need be done and decisions that need to be made. Next, determine which ones truly need to be done jointly and which ones can be delegated. For the ones that can be delegated, decide who (you, your fiancé, his mother, your mother, other family member or friend) the task will be delegated to. Also decide which decisions can be made by each of you individually and let that person be solely responsible for the decision. Keep in mind, that while you may have wished for that decision to be different, praising each other for little accomplishments boosts a relationship more. Your partner will feel positive about having contributed and will feeling good about the positive feedback.

Relax!

Finally, I promise you that there is NOT one right decision for any aspect of planning a wedding. Meaning, that no one will say after the wedding is over, “did you see the napkins, they were atrocious?!” What they will remember is how good or bad they felt about being involved in the planning of the wedding and attending the event, and those feelings will last much longer.

~~Lori