Phone Skills

Need a little freshening up on your phone skills for your next date? Let Lori’s expert response to this Ask the Dating Coach question offer you some helpful tips.

Dear Lori,

Now for another question - How frequently should I call? I feel if I call daily I will bore her. I have been very shy with females of my age group since childhood, though I have managed to act confident for few years now. How do I overcome the feeling of shyness in general?

I wholeheartedly thank you for showing me a thorough way to call. I procrastinated a lot and she took the initiative by sending me SMS on my Birthday. Even then it took me a while to actually make the call. Finally I did get up the nerve on New Years Eve and called her both days (31st Dec & 1st of Jan). We conversed for some 30 minutes & then 40 minutes on the two days. The idea of using the mirror and not monopolizing the talking role helped. For first time I really listened in my life. I felt warmth in my heart I have never felt before, a feeling of intimacy when I explored the mind of other person so closely.

Gratefully yours,

Dhiman

Dear Dhiman,

In response to your question “How frequently should I call?” You worry that if you call daily you will bore her. There is some truth to this concern. Boring someone has less to do with frequency of calling and has more to do with not demonstrating interest in the other person with whom you are in a conversation with as well as not reciprocating in the exchange of communication. I think of frequency of calling as something that evolves over time.

When a relationship is first developing, it is building with excitement and anticipation. For this reason the frequency of calling should coincide with this building of emotion for both of you. In other words, you should gage how often you call with the level of excitement you feel as well as the level of excitement you believe she is feeling. To understand this, think of excitement and anticipation on a scale of zero to ten. At a zero, you are not looking forward to calling her at all. At the other end of the scale is ten, you will explode if you don’t call her. You want to call her when both of you have a level of excitement and anticipation around the six to seven mark.

As time goes on and the relationship develops trust, the movement changes to a deeper and deeper level of intimacy. There is still excitement and anticipation AND there is also calmness as both of you are feeling more connected to each other. Once trust has begun to developed, you will find you are calling her with more regularity and your phone skills improving. This is because the relationship is progressing from excitement and newness toward maturity and dependability.

I would suggest you time each call to the end of her day. This will establish both the excitement of hearing each other’s voice with the anticipation of the timing of the call. Also, by calling her at the end of her day, you have the opportunity to open the conversation with “Tell me about your day.” You can follow up with telling her how your day went. This allows both of you to get to know each other through the sharing of your personal experiences. Being the last call of the day has the added bonus of closing with hearing each other’s voice and going to sleep with the thought of the other on each of your minds.

The second part of your question asked how you can overcome the feeling of shyness in general? To overcome shyness you will need courage. Keep in mind it would not be courage if there wasn’t fear attached. You don’t try to avoid fear; you go through fear to get past fear. I too have had to overcome being introverted. I am still not as “outgoing” as an extrovert is, but I am not as introverted as I used to be.

When we are young and hold back in our socializing, adults view this as shyness. They also think of shyness as cute and will go out of their way to try and engage a child in conversation. When we are adults and we hold back in our socializing, our peers view us very differently. We are no longer thought of as cute and our peers will not go out of their way to try to engage us in conversation. What you may think of a shy, others may view as aloof or not interested. This is because the behaviors associated with shyness are: no or little eye contact, no smiling, unapproachable, and uncomfortable.

To become less shy, the first thing you will need to do is put yourself in “the other person’s shoes.” Think about how you come across to someone else (refer to the behaviors mentioned above). Next, develop of list of adjectives that describe how you would like other’s to think of you. My list went something like this; I want the other person to see me as someone who is kind, friendly, and warm.

Once your list of adjectives is developed then write down the behaviors that demonstrate those adjectives. For example, to demonstrate kindness, I look for ways to assist others. I might open the door for someone whose arms are full. For being friendly, I might say “thank you” or offer a sincere compliment to someone. For being warm, I acknowledge someone by saying “hi,” and making eye contact.

While you may always be introverted, there are things you can do to be less reserved and more extroverted. Once you take action to overcome shyness and see how positively others respond to your sincere attempts, you will find that you are more confident.

~~Lori

Hi, I met this girl at a bar and got her number. Waited a week and called, left her a message but she didn’t return my call. The following week I called her again and invited her to a party I had. She spent the night and we had incredible sex till the sun came up. I called her about three days later and she did not return my call. Is she playing hard to get? Feeling guilty about what she did? Or just wants to have a one night stand? Is she committed? I don’t want to seem needy or like a stalker, but she has a great personality amongst other things and I like her. She told me where she works, should I go to see her?

~~joel

Dear Joel,

You met a girl that you describe as having a great personality among other things you find attractive about her, yet you waited a week to give her a call. Then you expected her to return your call? You invited her to a party and later had incredible sex. You waited three days to call her and again expected her to return you call. You wonder if she feels guilty, if she is playing hard to get, or if she is committed already. The answer to these questions is she might be, but it is more likely that you’re dating a lady who wants to be pursued. When you pursue a female you show her that you are interested in her and want to get to know her.

I wouldn’t suggest visiting her place of work. That would be awkward and unprofessional for her. I would suggest you call her and let her know that you had a great time with her and think she is pretty amazing and you want to take her out. If she doesn’t return your call, try her again in a couple of days. If after that you don’t hear from her, then I would say she is not that interested in you anymore.

A piece of advice about how women think: the next time you’re interested in a woman, don’t wait a week to call. When you wait so long, it gives the impression you’re only calling after this length of time because you didn’t have anyone better to go out with.

~~Lori.

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