Phone Conversations

Are you calling your online partner for the first time and need some phone conversation tips? Or, maybe you are like our recent visitors to our Ask the Dating Coach page who need some pointers about good phone calls.

Hi Lori,

I am an Indian who just got engaged a month ago. Our marriage is few months away. Her cousins called me up. They expect me to call to her and talk. How do I start a conversation with my fiancée on phone and what type of questions should I ask? Please provide me with some specific examples.

Dhiman

Dear Dhiman,

What an exciting and anxious call you are about to make. Speaking to the person you will soon marry is anxiety provoking in and of its self. Add the pressure of knowing that her family and yours are hoping that the two of you will have a wonderful life together and the pressure of this first call goes up. Perhaps some of the nervousness you feel is the pressure to say the right things, or maybe your goal of the call is that you and she will like each other?

When we are talking to a person on the phone, we form an opinion of them. Even before we meet the person our imagination works with our sense of sound to form an image of what this person will be like. Sometimes our imagination is accurate and other times it is not. When a person is nervous or anxious, his voice may not convey his wonderful qualities.

In general, our impression of another person is formed in about 30 seconds. Since she will not be looking at you to judge you by your body language, most of her impression will come from the tone of your voice. The tone of your voice will have a bigger impact on her than the words you say in this first phone call. Here are a few simple things you can do to reduce your anxiety and to sound like a really nice guy.

First, take some really deep breaths to relax yourself before you make the call. When we are nervous we tend to breathe in our upper chest making our voice sound higher than it is. By breathing deeper, expanding your stomach muscles you can lower your voice. This lower voice will give the impression of a man who is confident and relaxed.

Second, our speaking voice tends to follow our facial expressions. If your facial expressions are serious, your speaking voice will sound hard and tight. Place a mirror in front of you while you are on the phone and look at yourself periodically. If you are serious try to relax and smile. When you are smiling, your voice will convey your happiness. She will hear this happiness in your voice and it will make her feel more relaxed.

Next, remember that when people think we have some things in common with them, they like us. This is because we feel more relaxed with someone who we believe is similar to us. One way we can convey similarity is by mirroring the other person in the pace of speaking, in the pitch of your voice and by using a similar vocabulary. When you are talking on the phone with this woman, listen to the volume of her voice. Is her voice loud or quiet? You will want to match her volume. Does she talk fast or slow? You will want to match her pace. What about the language/vocabulary she uses? You will want to use similar words and phrases.

Keep in mind that a good conversation between two people is a process of give and take. Think tennis. For a great game the ball goes back and forth between two people. In a conversation each person talks and listens. While there is much you may want to learn and know about her, if you ask too many questions she will feel as though she is on an interview. If you don’t ask questions but do all the talking she will feel like you are not interested. The key is to balance what you share about yourself with what you want to know about her.

Four things to keep in mind for a good conversation; first, ask open-ended questions. Questions that require a yes or no will lead to a dead end and make it difficult to keep the conversation going back and forth. Second, stay present focused. For example you might talk about where you live and what you like about your place and then ask her about where she lives and what you likes most about where she lives. Third, when asking questions try to ask, “no one ever asked me that before” type questions. Some examples; “What is the most exotic food you have eaten?” or “What do you love about the job you work at?” or “Who in your family has had the most influence on you becoming the person you are today?” The benefit of asking these types of question is that it will allow her to open up and share what is in her heart without feeling ashamed. And finally, try to keep your conversation short. Around 20 minutes is ideal. The reason for keeping the conversation short is that you want to leave her excited and looking forward to the next time the two of you can talk again.

The last tip I have to offer is to be gracious. This is especially true when ending the conversation. Let her know that you have enjoyed the conversation and offer her a compliment. You could say, “I have enjoyed talking with you, you have a warm and friendly voice.” Follow this compliment with, “I look forward to the next time we talk.” Or you could be more specific and let her know when you will talk with her again, “I look forward to the next time we talk.” “I’ll give you a call on ____ (you fill in the date or day.).”

A conversation is an opportunity for us to share something about our selves and to learn something about someone else. If you keep that in mind when you talk with your fiancé, she will see and hear the best in you.

~~Lori

I have been in a relationship for almost two years. I am very happy with my partner and he is happy with me, he tells me that I'm just so lighthearted and that, it just makes me so beautiful. He tells me that he loves how he feels around me when I accompany him. But, no relationship is perfect. The problem is that my partner has stopped calling me because he says that I am not as romantic as I am with him on the Internet when we chat. I, on the other hand, understand this is my fault but the problem is that I am shy. I am 17, he's my second boyfriend. So I would like to know how I can stop being like this so that I can get him to call again. Another thing, he loves talking to girls online and tells me is just a pastime. At times, he decides to stop talking to me to speak to them, but he tells me is nothing serious. I feel like it’s very disrespectful, should I worry or not? The relationship is a long distance relationship but that’s not an issue with us. That’s basically our only problems; I hope you can write back to me.

-- Contributed by: Madeline

Dear Madeline,

The thing about the phone is that you can only talk with one or two people at a time. Whereas when you are online, you can have many conversations going on at the same time. You have been in a long distance relationship with a guy for almost two years. I am guessing that during that time, most of your communication has been on the phone or online and just between the two of you. Now the two of you are older and your social networks have expanded. This means your boyfriend has the ability to get attention from many women at the same time without any of them knowing about the other.

The phone is restricting whereas the Internet is freedom. Your guy likes the attention and the social interaction that is virtual. When he is on the phone with you, he has difficulty being on the Internet socializing at the same time. Therefore, to work around the restriction and not damage your relationship he has come up with a good excuse. He blames you and says that it’s your fault for not being able to be as romantic on the phone as you are on the Internet. If he can get you to talk with him online, he has freedom. Now, if you buy what he is selling, then I have a piece of swampland in your area I want to sell you.

Your guy is not being a good boyfriend when he prioritizes online conversations with others over the conversation with you. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he is engaging in inappropriate online conversations, but he could be. When a guy starts behaving disrespectfully that is a neon sign something is wrong and that is something to worry about. You and your boyfriend need to have a talk. Let him know that his behavior is hurting your relationship. If you are comfortable with him talking online with others, that’s fine, but there needs to be one-on-one time with just the two of you. Work out a plan together that spells out how often, and how long ‘on the phone together’ time for just the two of you will be. Will it be daily, every other day or a few times a week and for what length of time? Let him know that by honoring couple time, you feel comfortable with him socializing online after that.

~~Lori

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