Online Breakup

Sad Man at Computer

Do you think you are headed for an online breakup? Well, let this reader's question to our Ask the Dating Coach help you determine the appropriate path.

Online Breakup Advice

Reader Question

Hi Lori, I had met a girl online last year. Everything was fine until her friends started pouring into my list. After her exam, my girlfriend started temp working in an office. She used to be busy always, so sometimes she would pick my call and sometimes she didn't. She never called back due to some problem. Then, one of her friends, I don't know why, started using bad words to me. I didn't take it serious, but I used to send some comments back. After that I don't know what she told to my girlfriend, but my girlfriend stopped talking to me. Then after explaining my problem to a friend, he took my cell when I was not around and messaged my girlfriend to tell her that she was just using me, because she want to flirt and a bunch of other rubbish he told her. So now she is really angry with me. She will not pick up my call, she won't reply back, and she put my name in her ignore list. I tried so many ways to explain about this to her (all through online as I never actually met her, but I saw her picture), but she is just not ready to listen to me.

Can you please help me out of this problem and help me to get her back? Please don't say "forget about that girl" because its to late now, I just cannot forget her. You might say "if she loves you then she might try to contact you"... no when someone is hurt badly they never try to contact back. So I am hopefully that since you have solved so many other problems, you might have some idea to help me get out of this problem. Please do something....thank you!

~~Appu

Expert Reply

Dear Appu,

One of the great things about the Internet is that you can meet and talk with people from all over the world. As a result, friendships and even a long distance romance can begin to blossom. New technology allows people to develop relationships and share information perhaps a little faster then they would if the relationship were taking place in-person. People sometimes feel more comfortable sharing personal information with someone they can't see because they don't worry about being judged by someone the same way they would if two people were looking at each other. This sounds like what you and this girl may have experienced.

If this was the type of relationship you were having with this girl, I can understand why you would be hurt by her not returning your calls or reading your emails. Given that this has been the only way the two of you have talked, you are limited as to how you can contact her. As a result, you may feel desperate to talk with her and explain that you did not approve of what your friend did.

The problem with relationships that are only on the Internet and phone is that they are very fragile, because they lack the in-person connection. When two people are spending time together in real-time, they can look into each other's eyes, they can touch each other and they can share experiences together. These shared in-person experiences is how trust develops. You need trust in a relationship, so that when problems arise you both are willing to work them out.

Although you and this girl had a relationship, you did not have a trusting relationship. This would explain much of her behavior.

Then there is the incident with you phone. You say that your friend took your phone when you were not around? I am wondering what you had said to your friend for him to want to intervene on your behalf with this girl? Why did your friend feel that you would not stand up for yourself with this girl? Had the two of you had a trusting relationship, even though she might have been hurt by your behavior and your friend's behavior, she may have been willing to work out the problem with you.

Given what you wrote in your question about the relationship you had with this girl, I am wondering if your friend had a point when he told this girl that she was just using you? He may not have confronted her about the behavior in the best way, but that may be because he was defending his friend…you. It sounds to me like your friend may have realized that you cared more for this girl then she cared for you and didn't like seeing you treated so poorly.

My suggestion is for you to do some soul searching and ask yourself "why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who does not want to talk with you, or meet you in person?" Then ask yourself "would I rather be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me or someone I would have to force to be with me?" It is never easy to end a relationship, especially when it is not by choice. Endings hurt and no one likes to experience heartbreak. As long as you focus on trying to make this girl to talk with you, you won't be able to see that there might be a different girl out there, who wants to talk with you and get to know you better. You can choose to see the situation as she dumped or you can choose to see the situation as you are letting this girl go in order to be with someone who wants you because she likes you just the way you are.

~~Lori

Online Breakup