My First Lesbian Relationship

Are you needing some guidance after your first lesbian relationship? Let the answer to this reader from our dating coach help you as well.

Hi! I am scared because up until around three months go I have never liked anyone the same sex until my friend of which I have known for seven years turned around and told me she was bisexual. I ended up seeing her for two months. We were both confused and when we went out, we would kiss other people. Although I got jealous, I allowed it, as did she. I ended up sleeping with this girl and she was my first female experience. I instantly fell for her and still think I am in love with her. I do not know if this is due to her being my first experience, or if I had so much fun that I emotionally connected with her. She eventually stopped the relationship saying she was confused and didn’t want to hurt me. The day after she told me, she regretted her decision. I have kissed both boys and girls recently and have not had any feelings with them. I have no idea what I sexually desire in my life apart from her ... how do I win her back or decide where to go from here? Help please!

-- Contributed by: ald

Dear ald,

I think loving someone is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. We tend to remember our "firsts," our first kiss, our first love, our first sexual experience. The fact that your girlfriend was also your first same-sex relationship means that she is likely to remain in your memory forever, regardless of whether the relationship continues or ends. Given that you are in love, it is unlikely that another person, same-sex or otherwise, is going to capture your attention until you get over the current relationship.

This means that you are not going to have feelings for anyone else as long as your heart remains loyal to your girlfriend. You connected with your same-sex friend because she was your friend first and you trusted her. Therefore, when she told you that she was bisexual, you opened your heart to the possibility of having an intimate relationship with her. It is likely that you are the type of person who needs to be friends with a person BEFORE you can be intimate. In other words, you can’t go around kissing strangers or people you hardly know and expect to "feel" something.

As for wining her back, I would suggest that you talk with her and tell her how you feel. Try to understand what her fears are about the two of you being in a relationship are. Let her know that there are no guarantees when it comes to love. Getting hurt is part of the risk of being willing to love another person and it is a risk you are ready to take.

~~Lori

I met a female about a week ago and she is just so amazing. I am truly falling for her already and we really aren't together. I want to pursue her more but I'm so scared. I have liked females for years but this is my first actual lesbian relationship. What are ways that will help me overcome my fear? Maybe also some pointers how to make everything work. PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER!!!

-- Contributed by: Cat

Dear Cat,

While the prospect of meeting someone new can be very exciting, it also has the downside of discovering your feelings are not reciprocated. For this reason, it is a good idea to take some time to get to know the woman before confessing your strong feelings for her. By spending time with her, you will learn about her interests, likes and dislikes. Since you didn’t say that the woman you are interested in is also lesbian, I don’t want to assume she is. Likewise if she is a lesbian, I don’t want to assume you are her type.

All ‘firsts’ come with their own unique fears. This fear is one reason why we tend to remember our firsts: our first kiss, our first date and our first sexual experience. It is as if these events are permanently embedded in our brains. This is because we have no prior experience to relate to and as a result, our senses are on alert to pay attention. Your excitement is natural and wonderful, but showing them to your date in the beginning can be overwhelming. It is better to let your excitement come out gradually as you discover the person you are interested in feels the same way about you too.

My suggestion is to look for opportunities to hang out with her as a friend first. Ask her if she would like to go with you to the movies, to see an art exhibit, bowling or some other activity you enjoy. Her acceptance of your invitation will allow you to spend time with her and discover what her interests, hobbies and food preference are. It will also give you both an opportunity to see if there is some chemistry before risking the big step of asking her out on a date. You could also ask her to join you with other friends in activities as a group. Should you discover that you and she are not on the same page with the same level of interest, you have risked little and made a new friend. On the other hand, should you find she is as interested in you as you are in her, great; ask her out on a date.

~~Lori

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