Moving On After a Breakup

From LoveToKnow Dating

Do you need some help moving on after a breakup? So, did this reader. Check out what our dating coach had to say.

Moving On After a Breakup Advice

Reader Question

It's been a year since my ex ended our two year relationship. I guess it was mostly because we both went to different schools after undergrad, but I also think we both wanted to experiment with a change of scenery. We've been talking by phone on average once every two weeks since the break up. About five months ago, I found out she had slept with three other people; I hadn't even so much as made out with another girl. Luckily, I ran out of alcohol. One month ago, I had finally made out with another girl but a relationship was not to last; that summer internship ended and she (the new girl) was even further away than my ex. After this encounter, I learned my ex had now slept with five people. She had also made out with three additional guys, for a total of eight hook-ups, since we broke up. I still have strong feelings for her (the ex), but I know I could not get back together with her in our current situation. Any attempt would inevitably end in failure due to my inability to cope with her success. I know from talking with her that she still has strong feelings for me and that she only slept with other guys to try and get past our break up, to try and move on. I still feel like if I sleep with a few other girls that maybe things would get easier for me, that I could move on. Maybe I could get past her recent history and start a brand new relationship? Starting a month or so before our break up (just for the hell of it) I started working out and getting in shape, which has made me feel much better about myself (I was always kind of fat with low self-esteem). Unfortunately, for me, hook-ups not only come easier for girls, but she's also in a city where hook-ups come easier in general. A year later, I still cannot let go of what she's done since being with me. It's hurt my ego on multiple levels (from sexual prowess to physical attractiveness), my self-confidence, and my love-outlook on the future. I feel ugly/fat, unsatisfying in bed, and dreadful of the next girl that takes even the slightest interest in me. I fear unhappiness. Through self-reflection, I know now that despite my feelings for her at the time, my ex was not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. That being said, how do I move past these feelings towards our old relationship? How do I get to a place where her actions no longer weigh on the back of my mind? How can new feelings be possible for not only a new acquaintance but for my ex as well? How do I stop this from bothering me so?

-- Contributed by: Bryan

Expert Reply

Dear Bryan,

Getting over a love is difficult. It can often take roughly a quarter to half the length of time as the relationship itself. In other words, having been in a relationship for two years, it would be perfectly normal to take a year to heal. The fact that your ex moved on sooner than you is also normal. What is not normal is her telling you about her escapades. This behavior is downright mean. Which begs the question, why would a woman who was once in love with you, now resort to treating you so poorly?

I can’t help but wonder if this is your ex’s way of trying to get you to move on with your life… a life without her? This is the only reason I can think of for her telling you about her sex life. Nevertheless, what really has gotten my attention is your behavior in all this. Why are you listening to stories about your ex’s sexual behaviors? To me this seems torturous and punitive, like pouring salt on an open cut. Why would you do this to yourself?

You say that your break up, "was mostly because we both went to different schools after undergrad, but I also think we both wanted to experiment with a change of scenery." What happened to keeping up your end of this agreement? Instead of involving yourself in activities and groups where you would meet others, you’ve narrowed your social life and have been living vicariously through your ex and her exploits. No wonder you’re depressed and miserable.

To move forward you have to stop focusing on her and start treating yourself better. This won’t be easy at first, changing any behavior requires a commitment of 30 days. It takes that long for the brain to redirect itself and replace an old habit (you waiting to hear from your ex) with a new habit (you going out and meeting new people). Realize it will feel weird and uncomfortable to meet new people and do new things, however, acknowledge the feeling and continue in spite of the awkwardness.

Make a commitment to try three new things for a minimum of 30 days. If after 30 days you still don’t feel comfortable, then withdraw from that group and sign up for something new. Look for clubs or organizations that meet on specific days and at specific times. Meeting regularly will give you a commitment you can mark on your calendar. Volunteer to be on a fundraising committee. This will provide you with opportunities to socialize while supporting something you believe in. Join an exercise program. Try a new class like yoga, Pilates, or a spin class. By participating in a new form of exercise, you expand your mind and body. Added bonus, exercise lowers depression, gives you an opportunity to improve your self-esteem all while meeting new people.

~~Lori

The Guy Who Hangs On

Reader Question

Hi, I'm 26 years old. I was with my boyfriend for 10 months; we had a very intense relationship. It soon developed into an every day situation. We both fell in love quite quickly and felt that we were soul mates. We discussed our future openly and had lots of holidays in the 10 months we were together. After our last holiday, my ex began to act more coldly; not showing as much affection and not saying 'I love you' as often as he did. I thought it might have been a phase he was going through, but a week after returning from our cruise, he decided he wanted to 'be on his own'. It has been 6 weeks now and although he hasn't texted or phoned me since, he has however, spoken to me often (most evenings) on msn (messenger chat). He'll initiate a conversation by saying 'Hi' and 'How are you.’ He'll ask what I'm doing on the weekends and he'll talk to me like we're great friends for nearly an hour each night. Then he'll display how fabulous his weekends are - going out, being drunk and partying all time - making it out as though he is constantly busy. My question is: Why does he still enjoy talking to me when he's supposedly is having so much fun now, when before he'd love to spend the evenings with me on a weekend?? And why is he trying real hard to make me jealous?? Does my ex still care for me?? Or is he generally over me and wants to just remain friends??

Please help with your advice,

Many Thanks!

-- Contributed by: Teardrops

Expert Reply

Dear Teardrops,

As a relationship approaches the one year anniversary, couples will find themselves either confirming a commitment to be together or breaking up. There are many reasons for either choice. However, one thing is clear; the decision is first made individually before it is made jointly. If one partner feels he cannot see himself in a long-term relationship with his current partner, he will end the relationship. Often the end is sudden and seems to be for no apparent reason, as in the case with you and your boyfriend. Your boyfriend can have feelings for you, but not the kind that will result in a commitment. In his mind, it is better to break off the relationship since there is no future. This may explain why he chats with you online; he wants to keep you in his life even if it means keeping you at a distance.

This relationship at a distance can’t be very satisfying to you. So why are you engaging him by responding to his messages? What do you think will happen if without notice, you just don’t respond, and instead ignore him? By not being available to him, his boasting about his fabulous weekend, his parties, and all the fun he is having fall on deaf ears. To avoid temptation, turn off the computer, get out of the house or call a friend and ask her to keep you busy. I suspect that when your ex realizes he no longer has a hold on you, either he will rethink his decision or he will let you go so that you can move on with your life and find someone who actually wants a long-term commitment with you.

~~Lori

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