Moving On

From LoveToKnow Dating

Trying to decide if it is time to be moving on? Let our Ask the Dating Coach questions and answers offer you some advice.

Moving On

Reader Question

I was with a guy for the whole year and we were friends. Although we never would say we were boyfriend/girlfriend, it went beyond friendship with feelings involved. I ended things because I didn’t feel he wanted anything and we proceeded to date other people. The thing is, he kept coming to me as if he wanted to work things out saying “his girlfriend was bisexual,” “they didn't have chemistry,” “they were getting married,” “he need help with his two kids,” and “they like her.” Every time I would ask him if he loved her, he responded that “he loved her in ways and the kids love her.” Two days before the wedding he tells me he has doubts and that people get married for convenience reasons. I found out from him that she's about 5mos pregnant from him and that's the reason for the marriage. As I put two-and-two together, I know that couldn't be the truth. After the wedding, he called me about a week after and keeps calling stating we are "friends". How do I get rid of him? I really did like him and cared about him, but now I just have disgust for him. For some reason he keeps trying to keep me in this picture. I didn't know he was sleeping with us both without protection and that upsets me. Also, why if he has two exciting things in his life that he doesn't seem to be excited about and that he is having a hard time to commit? He's only been married for a month and has even invited me to their home. It seems that she's in the hospital with some type of complications. What exactly could be going on with him? I’ve called him a liar and told him to his face that we couldn't be friends, but he's not backing off. So what's next?

Expert Reply

In reading your question my first thought was how painful this experience must be for you and that you have given this guy a lot of time and attention. The short answer to your question of how to get him to stop showing semi-interest in you, is to simply stop responding to his attempts to get your time and attention. But, if it were that easy to do, you probably wouldn’t have taken the time to write your letter. So for the moment, I am going to focus my response on you.

You are not alone. There are many women in this day and age who believe in order to be loved; you can expect to give more than you receive. This is because our mothers and grandmothers and their mothers before them have modeled this ideology until we believed it to be true for ourselves. As a result you, like so many women, tend to stay involved with men who show some interest in wanting to be with you. The mistake is in believing that some time and attention from a man, is better than no time and attention from any man.

You Deserve Better!

As women grow wiser, they start to question this thinking of some interest verse no interest. And like you, they too begin to look for ways to end bad relationships in favor of something better. You may even wonder if there are men out there that will love you the way you want to be loved. I am going to tell you the answer to this is a big loud YES! Yes, there are men who will love you the way you want and deserve to be loved and you don’t have to settle for less. But, to notice these men, you are going to have to focus your attention on what you want in a relationship and stop focusing your time and attention on what you don’t want in a man.

Endings Lead To New Beginnings!

To do this, you are first going to have to end the relationship you are currently in. To end the relationship with this guy permanently you’re going to have to focus on what you are doing to maintain the relationship and less on what he is doing to keep it going. This is because there is no relationship if you are not participating. So let me ask you, why are you answering his calls, emails, voice messages, etc? What needs of yours are being met by his limited attention? After you have answered these questions, ask yourself if you are really, truly and deeply ready to end the relationship? If you are not, perhaps speaking with a counselor, clergy or professional will help you understand the “why” it is difficult for you to end the relationship. If on the other hand you are ready to end the relationship, then set your limits with this guy. You can do this by not giving him anymore of your time and attention. Just say “no more!”

Focus On What You Want!

To break the habit of attracting another guy who treats you poorly try this exercise. Write down all the behaviors you do which demonstrate to a guy you are interested in him, you care about him, and you are there for him as a partner. After you have written this list, ask yourself if the guy you are interested in meets 90% of the behaviors written on your list. If he does not meet the 90% mark, the guy is not that into you.

Next, make copies of this list and put them everywhere. Post the list on your mirror so that you see it the first and last thing of the day. Keep a copy by the phone and computer so that you can refer to it when talking on the phone or emailing a response. And, carry a copy in your purse so you can refer to this list when you are alone. When you are talking with a man, ask yourself if he is meeting the behaviors on your list. If he does, then continue to get to know him; if he is not, it is time to say goodbye.

The more you focus on what behaviors you want in a man, the more you will notice men with those behaviors. And once you begin to notice men with the behaviors you are looking for, the less likely it will be you will waste another year of your life with a man who does not treat you the way you want to be treated.

~~Lori

Should You Take Her Back?

Reader Question

Dear Lori,

My girlfriend of almost 2 years (I'm 25 she's 21) and I just recently broke up. I love my ex-girlfriend very much but she has serious trust issues and is extremely controlling and hot tempered. She would always blow up on me, then later on calm down and apologize, and I put up with this similar routine for so long but finally couldn't take it anymore. It has been a little over a month and now she is calling me a lot begging me to take her back and saying that she promises she is going to work on herself and even go to counseling. I guess my question is whether I should take her back. I love her so much but she has promised before to change and made no effort. I have even lost touch with many of my friends because she is overly jealous and freaks out when I talk to anyone. She has become a little better about her jealousy and questioning but I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I feel so emotionally drained and I also feel like we don't bring out the best in each other. Am I just holding on to something that isn't there or should I give her another shot? There is also another girl who I met who has a lot in common with me and wants to date but I am not sure because I am so torn on what to do. 2nd/3rd/4th chance? Or something new? I'm hoping you can give me a rational outside opinion because I can't think straight!

-- Contributed by: Mike

Expert Reply

Dear Mike,

One of the reasons that people stay in unhealthy relationships is because both partners are willing to live in a fantasy world of how things used to be. Once the infatuation stage of the relationship has ended and the ‘real’ jealous, controlling, unhealthy, self starts showing up, each partner puts their head in the sand to what is happening. For the most part, the couple unconsciously avoids seeing how awful things are now and instead focuses on to how things used to be when the relationship was new and both partners were acting on their best behaviors. This is the ‘how’ and ‘why’ unhealthy relationships continue well past their prime.

Your ex is lonely and reaching out to you with promises of wanting to change. You’re a good guy who still cares about her and you wonder if this is enough of a reason to reconsider the relationship. The answer is no. Caring about your ex is not enough to get back with a woman who has a jealousy problem. Caring about your ex is a healthy response to the end of a former relationship. Getting back together now would only mean you were getting back into the same type of relationship you had with her before. Even her promise of wanting to change and willingness to work on her self should you get back together is not enough of a reason. This reminds me of one of my professor’s definition of insanity. Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and hoping that the other person will change.

Your ex says she is willing to get help with her jealousy should the two of you to get back together. Her motive for change is contingent on you and therefore not likely to last. Change works best when the reason for change in internally motivated. Meaning your ex would be motivated to change because she was unhappy with herself. If this had been the case, then she would have already done the work before she called you to get back together. Had this been the situation, I would have written a different response.

My advice to you is to move forward with your life and remember the past fondly, but accurately. Go ahead and go out with the new girl whom you have a lot in common.

~~Lori

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