Misery Loves Company

From LoveToKnow Dating

Have a friend or lover who is constantly miserable and you want to help? Well, misery loves company! So, check out what our dating coach thinks you should do.

Misery Loves Company

Reader Question

Hi, I am getting so much different advice from my friends that I would welcome some impartial advice. I have been best friends with a woman for a long time now. I am a 34-year-old male and she is 44. We have gotten along great since the minute we met. We both love spending time together and when we are not together, we are talking on the phone or communicating in some other way. We spend more time with each other than either one of us does with our families (except for her kids). I also have a great relationship with all four of her children. I recently realized that I was having stronger feelings than just friendship for her. After weeks of thinking, I finally decided that I should tell her my feelings. She told me that she felt the same way. Here's the problem. She has had a boyfriend for 12 years. He drinks a lot and treats her. He is not physically abusive but can sometimes be verbally abusive. He has not held a job for more than a couple of months for several years. I have told her from day one that I will do anything for her. I have helped her out financially as much as she will let me. She has to work two jobs and seven days a week just go be able to get by. One of her jobs is overnight so she needs someone to watch their two younger kids. She cannot afford to hire someone to watch them for her and between work and college; her older daughters are not able to take care of them. Therefore, she leaves them with him overnight, which is usually the only time he is not drunk. She says this is the only reason she still keeps this guy around. I have a feeling that deep down there is another reason why he is still around. I really think she fears what he may do if she kicked him out. I have never met a more amazing woman (both inside and out). I love her more than anyone I have ever known and I really wish I could take her and her kids away from that life and give them all the great life that they deserve. I am sorry for saying so much and rambling on for so long but I would appreciate any advice that you can offer.

Sincerely, John

Expert Reply

Dear John,

Trust your gut on this one. You are right, there is more going on here with this woman and her boyfriend then she keeps him around to "just watch the kids overnight." What that more is, I can’t say. It could be that she is comfortable with being miserable. This is one reason why people stay in situations and complain. Complaining brings people together to commiserate and to support each other in how miserable their situation is. There’s a saying misery loves company.

Your friend may be in a bad relationship and everyone agrees that it is a bad relationship including her. Nevertheless, she is not miserable enough, because if she were she would leave. My guess is that she gets some of her needs met by staying in this relationship. First, she gets her boyfriend to depend on her and visa versa. Second, she gets pity from her children, which reinforces her belief that she is a good mother, because she is sacrificing for her children. Finally, by staying in the relationships she gets another of her needs met that of comfort and support from you.

With all of her needs met, it is unlikely she will leave her boyfriend. Although you believe that if she did leave him, life with you would be better, she is unlikely to take you up on that offer. Partly because she is not sure this would be the case. More likely, deep down inside, she feels she does not deserve to be happy. Moreover, even if she did desire happiness, her belief of what it means to be a good person, i.e., sacrifice, put others needs before your own, etc. would stop her from putting herself first.

This means the relationship you have with this woman is unlikely to change. Therefore, you need to decide if you are willing to stay in the relationship as it is or move on. Moving on does not mean that you stop being friends; it simple means you stop waiting for her to come around. By letting go of your dream of having a committed relationship with her, you open your heart to the possibility of romance with an available woman.

~~Lori

Giving Up Her Ex

Reader Question

I have been dating this girl off and on for over a year now. She was in a prior relationship with an abusive, physically and verbally, man. She has dated me and went back to him once. We have been back together for a couple months. Her ex says he can't live without her. He has been arrested for trying to fight me at her house. He is having many life problems. This guy just won't give it up. She has a soft spot for him apparently. She feels sorry for him and wants to help him out. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with this. She wants me to understand that she is doing this as a friend. When he is out of the picture, she is more engaged with me then she is when he is in the picture. I just want us to live our lives happily and not have to deal with this guy anymore. How do I get her to let him go and let herself concentrate on us? Please help me.

-- Contributed by: Justin

Expert Reply

Dear Justin,

Your girlfriend and her ex have history. When she is willing to help him, she is doing so from a place that remembers the good times they’ve shared. It is likely that he sees her help as an indication that she forgives the past and this gives him an inside track to her heart. Since the ex has not changed, it’s not long before she remembers why they broke up and the cycle of their relationship continues. When she remembers the bad, she moves on and this is why the two of you are better off when the ex is out of the picture.

Unfortunately for you, until she realizes she cannot change her ex and that only he can change himself, she will continue to have a soft spot for him. You have to decide if you want to continue to ride this roller coaster or move on. Until she gets off the ride, their relationship will continue. You could become informed on the nuances, behaviors and patterns of domestic violence and share this information with her. The hope is that she will see her relationship with her ex as abusive and make an informed decision to get out, but you also run the risk that she defends her ex and sides with him. Whatever path you choose you run the risk of her picking him over you, so choose wisely.

~~Lori

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