Married Lover

Married Lover Confusion

Reader Question

Dear Lori,

I've recently started dating a good friend of mine. We have been very good friends for 14 years and everything seemed to be great. But then it got a little complicated. He is married and has been for 23 years, but after his second kid was born his wife decided there would be no more sex. So, since there was no way she was going to have sex at all, she told him that he should go find himself a girlfriend who will fulfill that need. Since then, he's had two long term relationships with other women. The last one was for 12 years.

During the past four years, we have been good friends and now I have entered into a relationship with this man. He hardly ever spends any time with me, and it’s not like he's ever really been a hands-on father or husband. He always tells me he is going to be coming over after work, and so I get all dressed up and end up sitting around with no word from him. I’ve even told him, “don’t call me if you can’t keep your word.” Then he just gets mad at me. I do try to be fair, telling him I understand that things may arise at home with his children, but I would appreciate him not insisting that he will be over to see me then not show or call me until he returns to work four days later. Now, if someone keeps continually breaking dates over and over those are then blatant lies correct? I'm at my wits end and don’t want to push him away further because I do believe he loves and cares for me. We used to be best friends! What can or should I do?????

~~Michele

Expert Reply

Dear Michele,

I believe that you can tell more about a person by what he does verses what he says. When a person’s words and behavior don’t match, that person is likely to say one thing and do something else. This is the case with your boyfriend. The question is why is his behavior not matching his words? Maybe, because he is not committed to the relationship and based on what you have written, I would say he is not committed to any relationship. Not his marriage, not his children and not you.

One reason for his lack of follow through may have to do with where you are on the pecking order. Let's say that his priority list looks a little like this – first priority is his job, then his wife or his friends, then his children, then his girlfriends. This might explain why he makes promises to you and doesn’t follow through. Although his intention is to follow through on his commitment, something else on his priority list gets moved ahead of you. Then when you call him on the carpet, he gets defensive which can look like anger. The reason for his defensiveness may be because he feels that he has let you down again. The problem; He will continue to let you down as long as you are not his first priority. Which brings me to this question: Why would you want to be in a relationship in which you are not number one?

You say that you don’t want to push him away further because I do believe he loves and cares for me. If someone loved you totally, he would want to spend time with you. He would follow through on his commitments to you and there would be no doubt in your mind as to where you stand in his life. As long as you settle for getting less than you deserve, this guy or any guy will continue to behave as though you are not a priority. You deserve better than to be treated this badly. Until you begin to believe this about yourself, you will not choose a partner who will treat you differently. I would recommend that you talk with a counselor or therapist to find out why you are in a relationship with a guy who is not available to you. Once you understand what is going on in your head and heart, then you can begin to make choices that treat you better. At that point, you might find a dating coach will be helpful so that you can attract the kind of person your heart desires.

~~Lori