Love or Jealousy

From LoveToKnow Dating

How can you tell if it is love or jealousy? Let this reader question to our Dating expert guide you in the answer.

Love or Jealousy?

Reader Question

I met a guy last summer, and we soon became good friends. He began to like me, but I only liked him for about a week because I was confused over my feelings. Eventually, I began to feel awkward and started to avoid him. So, we stopped talking for a few months. At that time, I also got involved in a relationship with another guy. A few months later, soon after my ex broke up with me, we began talking again. While he didn't believe he would, he began to like me again and I started to like him too. He asked me out about a month or two after we began talking again, but I said no because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. He told me that he would wait for me, and I told him that I appreciated this. Last night, I actually got into a deep conversation about that with him, and I told him that I was also sort of shaky because of my last relationship. I also told him that there were times when I thought of him as a brother (stupid move, I know), but still he told me that he would wait for me. I still told him again (I told him this numerous times in the past), that he could take any opportunity with a girl that liked him because I felt selfish that I was keeping him waiting this long. But still, he told me he would wait.

Well, today he went to the pool with another girl that has liked him for a while; she's a year older, and he always told me that he didn't like her back. But then when I was talking to him online today, he told me that he made out with her. Honestly, I was crushed, and somewhat angry at him. He told me he felt horrible, that he knew he lied to me, and that this fact disturbed him. Just by knowing him this long, I know he wouldn't lie about his emotions like that. But then he said that while I'm not ready for a relationship the girl he made out with is a year older and is very experienced with relationships, so he might date her. He did say he still has feelings for me though, but he wanted us to explore new opportunities so that in the future we would be ready for one. He said that he wanted to change for the better, also. I realize now that I want him back badly and although we both still act like best friends, I don't know what to do or how to act to get him to want to go out with me again. Please give me advice, I'd really appreciate it.

Expert Replay

Love is a very fickle emotion. This is why we can feel one way towards someone and then later feel the opposite. Such was the case with you and the guy you got involved in a relationship with last summer. He liked you for a few months and then he no longer felt the same way and ended the relationship. And this is the case with you now. You met a guy last summer and felt brotherly-like feelings for him at the same time he had loving feelings for you, so the timing for a romantic relationship was not right.

To make things more complicated, he told you he would wait for you and then his feelings for another girl (one he didn’t like before) changed and now they are a couple. Currently you have different feelings for him and once again, the timing for a romantic relationship between the two of you is not right. Through this all the two of you have remained best friends. This is a good thing because it means that the possibility of one day the both of you feeling the same way towards each other, at the same time, leaves open the opportunity that you both might experience a romantic relationship with one another.

You can love someone and still be angry and disappointed with them. Such were the emotions you felt when you learned that he had made out with this girl and lied to you about their relationship. I am wondering if the intense feelings you have now aren’t love, but jealousy and envy. This guy you are best friends with has come to accept that you have not been ready for a romantic relationship with him. He has told you that he cares for you AND he believes the two of you should explore other relationships so that in the future you both would be ready for a romantic relationship. I think both things are true. This might be why you feel some jealousy. Your guy can be your friend and be romantic with someone else. In fact, he is in a relationship with two people. It is natural that you would not want to share him with another girl and would want him all to yourself. You might even have had a similar experience with a best friend when she started spending more time with a different friend.

Your feelings of envy may be towards the girl who is older and more experienced than you as well. She is ready for a romantic relationship with your guy and you have not been as ready. Feeling envy is also natural. However, jealousy and envy aren’t love. So ask your self if these two emotions are driving your intense feelings for wanting him back? If the answer is yes or even maybe, then you are not experiencing romantic feelings for your guy. And, getting him back would be under false pretense. This would not be fair to you or your guy.

My suggestion to you is give yourself some time. Continue to allow your friendship to develop. If you truly are in love with him, having him as your friend now and letting him be romantic with someone else won’t be easy, but it will strengthen your relationship with him. And who knows, maybe one day both of you will have the right timing AND the same romantic feelings for one another.

~~Lori

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