Love Addiction

Love Addiction

Reader Question

I have a relationship with this guy. I really think he likes me, and I really like him, but he's been on and off with this one other girl for 2 years. He keeps cheating on her and then they break-up. He and I hooked up a while ago, but then he went back to her. How can I get him, or how can I get over him? Also, would it be right to hang out with him if I’m pretty sure we'd hook up again, and then I’d be helping him cheat?

Expert Reply

Love feels good, especially new love. That’s because when we fall in love our brain releases dopamine and oxytocin, two “feel good” chemicals. This explains why we smile more, feel happy all the time, as well as feel that we don’t have as many problems in our life or at least that we don’t have as many big problems. Our body also releases adrenaline, which is why we have so much energy and don’t need as much sleep. Sadly new love doesn’t last and that is a good thing because our bodies are not equipped to maintain the effects of these feel good chemicals indefinitely. Over time, dopamine and oxytocin stabilize and we don’t feel the same high that we once did at the start of the new relationship. Slowly as the chemicals stabilize and the relationship continues, the “high” is replaced with feelings of being in a deeper more meaningful love.

Love Addiction

The way we feel in new love has a similar experience to the way addicts feel when they get high. Some people are addicted to the high of new love. They fall in and out of love often in order to achieve the experience I mentioned above. For those who are addicted, they are unable to maintain the “high” of new love with the same person, which is why they find cheating so enticing. And, just as the addict needs a higher dose of the drug, a partner who is addicted to the feelings he gets with new love, will look for opportunities. This also explains why people break-up and get back together over and over again until someone decides the pain of the break-ups in not worth the short-term high of getting back together.

Your guy sounds like a person who is addicted to new love. Which may explain why you and he hooked up while he is in a relationship with the other gal and visa versa. It also should help explain why you’re more willing to go back with him even though you know that the love won’t last (because in the moment it feels good to you too). You’re likely to continue on this merry-go-round until you decide he is not that into you and you deserve someone who is.

Breaking Away

Breaking any addiction is hard. Being in a relationship with someone who’s not in the relationship for the long haul hurts. To avoid heartbreak, you may find that give him the benefit of the doubt hoping that he will change. This is why the thought of hanging out with him is so appealing to you. You can’t change your guy; only he can decide that you are worth changing for. The same is true for you. He can’t make you stop having feelings for him only you can decide that you won’t settle for being treated poorly and are going to move on to greener pastures.

So how do you get over him? First, allow yourself time to be sad. Even if you know that he is not good for you that doesn’t mean your heart won’t hurt. Second, treat yourself lovingly. You can do this by buying flowers for yourself, taking long baths, getting messages or whatever makes you feel special. Third, give yourself gentle reminders that you deserve to be loved and treated the way you imagine. You might have to put up posted notes that say this, or talk to yourself in the mirror. The important thing is that you do it. And finally, when you’re ready – start going out to places where you can meet new people. Join activities, go out with friends, just do something!

Hooking up with him won’t change his mind, it will only satisfy his physical needs. I can tell you, that as long as all your attention is on him, you will never see that there is a guy out there who is willing to be in a relationship with you for the long haul and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

~~ Lori