Lost that Loving Feeling

Do you think you may have lost that loving feeling? Let these readers' questions to our dating coach help you sort it all out.

To make a long story short, my boyfriend and I have been together three years. We have one child and one on the way. While pregnant for the first, he cheated on me multiple times, drank constantly and did drugs. I stayed with him. Then he went to prison a couple times in between. He has since changed as he does not drink or do drugs, but I don’t feel so close to him anymore. I don’t want to kiss him, I don’t even enjoy it. Plus, I don’t enjoy being intimate with him. On the other hand, I do still like to hang out with him and feel I love him. I don’t know if i should leave him, if I’m just depressed, or what. I have no one to talk to. Please could you give me some advice?

~Melissa

Dear Melissa,

When people talk about being in a relationship through thick and thin, they’re referring to the kind of relationship you have had with your boyfriend. You really hung in there! So it’s a good idea that you’re questioning what has changed within you, that you don’t feel the same way towards him now.

There are a few possible reasons why you don’t feel as close to him or want to be intimate with him anymore. One possibility has to do with your pregnancy. With all the hormones running through your body, your senses (taste, touch, smell, hearing and sight) are all heightened. Sometimes this is good and sometimes not so good. For example; you may develop a craving for a particular food that prior to your pregnancy you wouldn’t have otherwise eaten. Or, now that you’re pregnant you discover sensitivity to certain fabrics and don’t like the way they feel on your skin. This same thing could apply to your boyfriend. You once liked his touch or his smell, but with the pregnancy those things now repulse you. If your change in feelings were a result of the pregnancy, you will notice that a few months after you have the baby, things will go back to the way they were before.

Another possible reason for your change in feelings has to do with what attracted you to him in the beginning. Perhaps there was a certain excitement you felt for the ‘bad boy’ your boyfriend used to be. He needed you, and his needing you filled that part of you that likes to take care of people. Now that he has settled down, he doesn’t need you in the same way as he once did. As a result that old attraction is no longer there. If this were to be the reason you don’t feel the same way about your boyfriend, then changing the way you think about relationships could improve things between the two of you. Instead, you could see this as an opportunity to be in a more balanced relationship. This type of relationship would help teach you both to give and take, instead of you just giving and him just taking.

A third possibility is that you have matured and your boyfriend hasn’t. Basically, you’ve outgrown your boyfriend. As a result, you want something different in a relationship and no longer feel as fulfilled as you once did. While this may or may not be a result of the pregnancy, it is normal for all of us to grow and change as individuals. You can still feel a fondness in your heart for you boyfriend, just not a passion for him. Instead, preferring that the relationship with him to move from being lovers to being friends.

Before you take any action to end the relationship, I would suggest using the remainder of the pregnancy to explore what might be the reason you feel differently towards your boyfriend. You can do this by going to a bookstore or library (which would be free) and reading books on pregnancy to learn about the normal changes a woman goes through. Specifically, look for books on how relationships between couples change with a pregnancy. As you read the books, see if anything sounds like your current experience and feelings. You can also look for books about being a caregiver in a relationship, as well as reading books on women’s development.

I would also suggest during this time in your pregnancy to look for a counselor or therapist to talk with. Ask your obstetrician for a referral. If money is an issue, there are counselors who have sliding scales and will work with you for very low or even no cost. You could also look for a mommy and me, program in your area. The group often meets at a church. Check on line or through your local library. The group will give you an opportunity to meet other mothers with children your child’s age. Plus, it will give you a chance to develop a supportive network with other mom’s so that you don’t feel so lonely.

If after you have the baby you still feel the same as you do now, you can then explore ending the relationship with your boyfriend. Waiting until after the baby is born to make any changes in your life will is a smart decision. By waiting, you will have the time to work out whether the decision to stay or leave is a temporary feeling due to the pregnancy or as a result of changes within your own feelings. Use the time now to develop a support network, read books on the topic of your own growth and development as well as books about ways to have a balanced relationship with a man. Taking care of you during the pregnancy will most definitely be a benefit to both you and your children.

~~Lori

I met my boyfriend at a wedding reception and then we started talking a little bit after that. He is still friends with his ex of 4 years and they broke up a few months ago. We get along so well, he talks to me everyday and we enjoy being around each other. We had sex after 3 weeks, was that too soon? I love being around him, but I am almost not as excited to be around him as much because it is the same old thing kind of. What is going on?

-- Contributed by: RachelX

Dear RachelX,

Your question has many parts and I am not sure they are all related. For example, you talk about your boyfriend’s ex and then follow that up by asking if the two of you had sex too soon? If you are asking could your boyfriend still have feelings for his ex, the answer is yes. Does this mean the two of you should have waited to have sex? The answer to this question is, only in hindsight will you be able to decide if it was too soon. The reason for this is you will likely base your decision on how the relationship turns out. If you and the new boyfriend date for a while, you may feel that having sex when you did was just fine. On the other hand, should the relationship end sooner rather than later, your view on the timing of sex will most likely reflect this. If at the time of the sexual experience, you felt this was something you really wanted to do, then the timing was the right.

Your feelings for this guy are changing and your question reflects the level of awareness you have on the matter. To understand why your feelings are changing, you’ll want to explore some possibilities. Maybe it is because you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt or because the excitement of this new relationship is altering. If it is because you are fearful, then you are beginning to withhold emotions and this is keeping you from enjoying the new guy. If the change were a result of discovering he is not as interesting as he was when you first met him, then this would most likely be a sign that the relationship for you is ending. I recommend you search your heart as to which reason is causing the change in your feelings.

~~Lori

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