Lori Gorshow, MSW – Dating Coach

Interview with Lori Gorshow

Tell us about your background and how you got started in coaching.

I have a Master’s Degree in Social Work, and I used that for counseling initially. I had been counseling adolescent families and couples, and about five years ago, I went for training in coaching. I liked coaching because it is more goals driven and has a faster pace to it. One of my areas in adolescent counseling was social skills. What I noticed with them was when it came to dating, not only did they have challenges - but their parents had challenges too, because things had changed in the different generations. So, I had worked with parents for quite awhile, but I still wasn’t sure what exactly I was going to do with the coaching until I went through my own experience of divorce. This led me to getting back into dating as an adult. What I saw was not only did I have struggles on getting back in, but so did the people I was meeting. This then gave me the opportunity to combine my personal experience with my professional knowledge to help create Dating Made Simple three years ago.

How difficult is dating in today’s world?

The most difficult thing is how fast people want to move in general. People want to determine in that first meeting if the other person has potential. For adults, there is the question, is this person marriage potential? For adolescents, because physical and sexual intimacy is so common, that movement from trust building to sexual relationships is speeding up. When they pair off, they are more likely to move faster in the physical intimacy - which doesn’t support the emotional intimacy. Not only that, but for adolescents, some of the challenges that come up have a lot to do with abuse in dating, date rape, and sexually transmitted diseases - all things around not having the understanding how to develop a trusting relationship. For adults, it’s trying to tell right away if you have the qualities I am looking for in a life-long partner. So, there is no courtship anymore.

Based on your experience, how can you tell if your date is interested in you?

I like to think of it two ways. First there is that initial first meeting and how do you know someone is interested in you? Keep in mind there are the three facets of communication: body language, tone and words. Body language is 55%, so we are reading someone’s body to see if they are interested. Their tone is how they say “hi” or ask their questions, and it is about 38%. So, the actual words are small in comparison. When you are looking for the non-verbal, you want to look for an attentive body. Typically, when we are more interested in someone we face them. In active listening we make eye contact, nod our heads and smile. The verbal signs are in the pace. Your listener should match your pace in the conversation - both in volume and in the pace. As the conversation goes on and we are more interested, we seem to move closer to hear each other. That leaning in is a definite sign somebody is interested in you.

After that first interest shows up, what people don’t often recognize is that the second one behind that is looking for sustained interest. What does that look like compared to the initial interest? Lots of times we don’t have the ability to know how we come across to others, we might not be aware of the things that we say that inadvertently turn off somebody. So, they show that initial interest, then we do or say something, and then they are no longer interested.

Interest in the moment can look very different than sustained interest. Just because he asks for your number and doesn’t call, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t interested originally. It just might mean he lost interest between the first meeting and the time of a phone call. Sustained interest is shown in the follow up phone call within two to three days. Then, if you call and they don’t return your call, they are not interested. We make time for what is important to us.

Next, does the conversation have something to the future? If they are making specific plans, then there is a definite interest. And, if someone inquires about what you are interested in before deciding on dating, they are also showing they are trying to find out commonalities. That inquisitiveness shows an interest that is more sustained. That sustained interest is all in the follow-up from when they first met you.

What is your opinion on the best way to find your perfect match?

One of the very first things is - you know somebody is a really good match when you are completely yourself in his presence. All too often I find people that are so afraid that they won’t be loved if they show their imperfections - so they tend to compartmentalize themselves. When dating, we naturally put our best foot forward. But, I have seen people act this way even in suggestion, like in the example that when a man asks a women out for sushi, even though she can’t stand sushi, she can’t bring herself to turn him down. In the beginning, maybe you don’t want to show all your faults, but you want to at least be honest about your preferences and that you have an opinion – you don’t want to wait for that.

Another thing is people tend to confuse honesty with candor. In that, “I want to hurry and know if this is a good match, so I am going to open up my suitcase and hang out all my dirty laundry, and I am going to see if you are still going to accept me.” Honesty is more about those preferences, I like this and I don’t like that. Candor is those secrets we share; it is those personal things that make us venerable. To share something very candid you have to have foundation of trust. So, I ask people to withhold that truly personal information until there is a sense of trust.

What exactly is flirting and which techniques are the best ways to flirt effectively?

The first thing I want to separate out is flirting and being sexual - because that is often times when it gets confusing. Flirting is fun and friendly, and you would do it with anyone regardless of age or gender. One of the things that flirting does is it helps us get noticed. It shows we are interested in someone else. And when people think that we like them, they are more likely to like us. Flirting is making eye contact. One of the things I recommend to my clients is to think about when you are at the grocery store and pay attention to how little time we actually spend looking at the other person. We look down, put our change away and move. So, one of the things about flirting is you are actually looking at somebody - your smiling, your body space is close enough to show interest, but far enough away to show respect for those boundaries. The other thing about flirting, depending on your style, is it basically invites someone to comment back to you. One of the key things to flirting is you want to invite someone to respond.

What advice do you have on where to go and what to do on that crucial first date?

My advice for first dates is to keep them short - about two hours. You want to combine something to do with times to communicate. People tend to build a first date on a meal – let’s go to dinner. The problem with the dinner idea is it puts so much pressure on having a conversation. So, what are you likely to be talking about – yourself. That is when people say things before they are comfortable with the other person, because there is some lapse in the conversation. My recommendation is to combine doing an activity – you can go to art museum, you can go miniature golfing, you can go on walking tour – that will show what you are interested in and that passion of yours or your partners. Then afterwards you can do a light supper or dessert, and you have the experience of the activity to talk about. They can then leave the date wanting more because they have that enjoyable experience to remember.

What is the advantage of hiring a dating coach?

We don’t always know how we come across to other people so you are going to get that, and you are going to learn to use your natural strengths to overcome your obstacles in your personality. All of the topics we discussed here are covered in more detail with the individual, so they are able to start with their best foot forward. Coaching is more goals driven, so it is more active. It is putting that knowledge learned into action.

For More Information

To learn more about Lori Gorshow and her Dating Made Simple programs visit:

• www.makedatingsimple.com

• Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend
• Teen Online Dating
• Craigslist.com Personals
• Free Local Chat Rooms
• Free Teen Chat Rooms

• Dating Tips for Women

• Romantic Gifts for Men
• Last Minute Valentine Gift
• Things To Do for Valentine's Day
• Relationship Compatibility Quiz
• Am I Ready To Get Married Quiz