Expert Advice on Long Distance Relationships

long distance relationship

Do you need some long distance relationship advice? Check out what our dating coach has to say.

Some Long Distance Relationship Advice

Reader Question

I've been with my boyfriend less than a month. I met him while on travel and had to leave where he lives. But since I came back home, he called once and said that he will not call me everyday just because he wants to avoid complaints. Meaning that he doesn't want me to complain because he does not call everyday. This man never says to me: I want you, etc. I'm confused if he really cares about me or loves me. During the time I spent with him, we had wonderful time and he cared a lot. What do you think? Do I have to continue with him? Please answer me.-- Contributed by: momo

Expert Reply

Dear Momo,

Long distance relationships take a lot of work. I was just talking with a woman yesterday who is getting married in July. She and her fiancé dated long distance for seven months before living in the same state together. I know of others who met and maintained a long distance relationship, some even getting married. All of these people will tell you that things move slower when you are dating long distance. Moreover, they all thought this was a good thing because it allowed each couple to talk and get to know each other through phone calls, emails and text messaging.

On the other hand, some people have vacation relationships that are intense and romantic. The relationship ends when the vacation ends. This may be where your boyfriend is coming from. He may not be invested in working on a long distance relationship but, would see you again if you came back into town. This is why he told you he will not call you everyday and why he does not tell you "I want you, I miss you, etc." You're looking for encouragement from him to continue the relationship long distance and your guy is saying, "I not sure I want to put in the effort."

So no, you don't have to continue talking or seeing this guy if he is not giving you what you want. However, before you decide to walk away, talk to him. Tell him that you had a wonderful time when you were together and you're interested in keeping the relationship going until the next time you see each other. Then ask him what he wants. If wants the same thing that you do, then together talk about ways that you can maintain the relationship while living apart from each other. Should he not want to put in the effort, to maintain a long distance relationship, then you can choose to walk away.

~~Lori

Lack of Interest from a Long Distance Partner

Reader Question

My boyfriend and I were dating for two months. He calls me once in a blue moon. I text him every minute I got the time. Should I stop texting him or not? We both live in different countries right now. He's in Jamaica and I'm here in the U.S. His mother and I have a good relationship. What should I do about this problem?-- Contributed by: dasiy

Expert Reply

Dear Daisy,

I am going to guess that you and your boyfriend had a lot of fun during those two months you were together. During that time, it seemed like this was an ideal relationship. That's because first few months of a relationship are driven by infatuation (those feelings of excitement and anticipation). There is nothing wrong with the infatuation stage of a relationship; it is actually an exciting time. A downside of this stage is that it's not enough to sustain a relationship long term.

There is a saying; "out of sight, out of mind." Now that your boyfriend is in Jamaica, his focus is on what is happening in his life now. His memories of the relationship you shared are built on shared experiences from the past. A limited number of memories exist during a two-month relationship. This is why his attention span for the past is so short and most likely why he calls so infrequently. As time goes by, the memories you shared of the past move further away from the present. When he is lonely or reminiscing about the past, he thinks of you fondly.

There is another saying; "absence makes the heart grow fonder." You would think that by texting him as often as you can that you would be warming your way to his heart. That would be true if he was longing for you the same way you are longing for him. Given that he is not calling very often, it is likely that he is fond of you, but not longing for you. Stop texting him so often. Give him and yourself some space. Set a time, say two weeks, if you don't hear from him during that time then send him a text. In your text, let him know you were thinking of him and wanted to know how he was doing. If he responds to your message, great; if he doesn't, it's time to say goodbye to the relationship. Perhaps when he comes to visit his mother, the two of you can rekindle your romance once more.

~~Lori

Confused or Scared?

Reader Question

I met someone 9 months ago. At first, I didn't want anything to do with him but he pretty much won me over. I was still scared about getting involved in this long distance type of situation but he convinced me that he was willing to make this work. I tried ending it at least twice now but he insists I'm the one. We do a lot of messages on our Blackberrys back and forth and sending pictures. My problem is I'm scared of getting hurt and now I am finding reasons like maybe he has someone else or that he's married. I'm so confused to what I should do, I love having him to talk to, he makes me smile, but maybe I'm just holding on to something that really is not there.-- Contributed by: confused

Expert Reply

Dear Confused,

We all have a little voice inside us that guides us. There are times when we know something; we don't know how we know it, but we do. As in your question, there is a possibility that your suspicions about your long distance Romeo are right on. You feel there is something off, maybe he is not quite honest about the relationship, even though you have no proof of deception. There is also the possibility that your fear of the unknown is clouding your judgment and the only thing getting in the way of a wonderful relationship is fear itself.

The only way to calm your fears is to address them. The only way to address them is to talk to your Romeo about your concerns. If you can do this face to face not only will you be able to see his reactions, but you'll also be able to assess his surroundings and see for yourself if his words and behaviors match. How Romeo responds will tell you if your suspicions are accurate or it's just your imagination working overtime.

~~Lori

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Expert Advice on Long Distance Relationships