Long Distance Love

Long Distance Love

Reader Question

Hi Lori,

I am a 54 year old female and recently I met a 58 year old gentleman on a dating site I am a member of. We had a great connection from the beginning and have interchanged lots of personal information. We live two hours away from each other and have engaged in lengthy daily telephone conversations. It has developed into a very intense relationship and the bond we have created in a period of three weeks has led to daily phone sex. We have an incredible chemistry for each other. He has been a clinical Therapist for over 23 years and is constantly evaluating our relationship. He tells me that he has never been able to have a relationship with any woman in his life like the one we have developed in such a short time. He says he wants to make sure we both are mature people going through the proper steps of having a good well-rounded relationship. I am concerned about the part of not having met him in person yet, other than through phone conversations and exchanged photographs. I don't know what is the best time frame and the norm for people engaged in a long distance relationship to meet in person. I would like your advice on how to proceed with my present situation. Thank you in advance for all your advice.

Expert Reply

There are many benefits to online dating including allowing people to meet someone without the pressures that come from meeting in person. Cyberspace permits people to take their time and get to know someone before meeting them. And, it allows people to think about what they want to write and how they wish to present themselves. This is something that the fast pace of meeting in person would not allow.

Long Distance Relationships

In your question you ask what is the best time frame and the norm for people engaged in long distance relationship to meet in person? The answer depends on a couple of things. One is distance; the farther away two people live from each other, the longer you may take to get to know someone before investing the time and money to meet in person. The second has to do with the pace of the relationship. How fast or slow do you want the relationship to progress? Taking your time exchanging emails allows time to share information and discover commonalities and similar interests over a longer period of time.

One of the risks of exchanging emails and phone conversations for too long a period of time is that a sense of comfort develops as two people discover shared interests, passions and similar values. In addition, a sense of familiarity develops with the sound of the other person’s voice. This can lead to a false sense of security. Keep in mind that the information being shared via email exchanges, allows people to think about what they want to write and how they wish to present themselves. The same holds true for having phone conversations with someone you have never met. While the phone is faster paced than email, it too provides a “level of control” that is unavoidable when two people are in person. For example, I can choose when and where I am going to talk to another person, thereby avoiding the person on the other end of the conversation seeing my facial expressions, mannerisms or how I might interact in public.

Honesty vs. Candor

Honesty is when you share your thoughts, opinions and ideals with another person. It is how you communicate with someone you have known for a short period of time. Candor, on the other hand, is when you reveal deeply personal information without fear of being judged or feeling overexposed and vulnerable. Candor should take time to evolve. When candor comes before trust has been developed, the result can have a negative effect. I fear this may be the case here. It appears from your question, that you and your gentleman friend have been very candid with each other sexually. As a result, you have developed a sexual intimacy prior to developing an emotional, spiritual, and intellectual relationship based on shared experiences.

Time to Meet

Neither of you will experience a mature, well-rounded relationship without meeting each other. It is time for you to meet this man and see if he is everything you think he is. I encourage you to practice safe dating. This means you meet each other at an agreed upon destination. Plan your meeting somewhere halfway between where you both live. Know the exact plans for the meeting and let a friend know where you are going, when you will return and leave your date’s name and contact information with the person you told.

You are wise to have concerns at this stage of your relationship. Trust your instincts that something is not quite right. Take all the time you need to determine what is bothering you. This may mean that you meet each other several times before you will feel comfortable that the two of you should continue dating. In the meantime, stop engaging in sexual intimacy until your relationship has developed an emotional, spiritual and intellectual intimacy.

~~Lori

Long Distance Relationship

Reader Question

I have an interesting situation. I'm 20 years old and my girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now. We were the absolute closest of best friends for two years before we started dating. She recently moved away, and we are currently living 400 miles apart but are still happily together. My only problem has to do with a new male friend of hers from where she lives now. Within the first week of meeting this guy, they spent 5 of the first 7 nights hanging out together going out to the movies or at his apartment. The complicated part is that she's almost sure that he's gay, and I completely believe her on this, yet I still find myself feeling very jealous anyways. Am I crazy to feel upset when she sees movies or does things with him that I'd have wanted her and me to do together? Should I be ok with them hanging out and talking online literally almost every day when they are both down there? I think my problem is that I don't necessarily worry about him being a threat to our relationship, but just about the potential for her to get so close with another guy, which has been only me for almost as long as I've known her. I feel like I don't want anything to get taken away from what she and I have built up from some new guy coming in and getting close with her as well. Also, I've had more than one serious relationship in the past end as a result of my girlfriend cheating on me. Therefore, I wonder if my problems with this are just trust issues spawning from these past situations or if I actually have a legitimate reason to be concerned with this one. Any ideas and/or suggestions? Thanks!

~~Andrew

Expert Reply

Dear Andrew,

You have a dialectic dilemma. This is why you feel both trust for your girlfriend and jealousy when she spends time with a male friend of hers. Part of your jealousy may be a result of being envious that this male friend gets to spend ‘real’ time with your girlfriend. He can hug her goodbye, look at her smile, watch her eyes light up – all the things you can’t do from 400 miles away. The other reason you worry about her friendship with this new guy may stem from your having had a previous girlfriend who cheated on you. Intellectually you know she would not cheat on you (and this guy may be gay) but your heart is missing her, so it worries that something terrible may happen, just like in the past. The trick is to know which feelings are a result of jealousy and which are part of your baggage.

To help you sort out the past from the present, consider the following. You and your girlfriend had a relationship that started with both of you living in the same city. When you lived in close proximity of your girlfriend, the two of you could do things together whenever you wanted. You could plan last minute dinners, kiss her goodnight, you knew her friends and the places she went to. Now that the two of you live 400 miles apart, your relationship has changed. In addition to having to accept the new relationship, it is natural to grieve the loss of the old one. I wonder if some of your jealousy is really resentment and anger. Your girlfriend moved to a new city and within a week she makes a new friend and is having fun, while you’re miserable without her. You would be perfectly normal to have feelings of being angry, mixed with sadness.

It would also make sense that you fear the change in your relationship with each other. Since you can’t predict the future, fear of the unknown is natural. You are wise to realize that some of your mistrust of the unknown would stem from the past relationship you had in which your previous girlfriend cheated on you without you being aware. This is also why you are experiencing so many mixed feelings about your current girlfriend having moved away. So now what do you do?

To start, realize that having a long distance relationship is not the same as having a relationship living in close proximity to each other. The things the two of you did to stay connected before will need to be modified for a long distance relationship. For example, now you have to plan when and how often you’re going to see each other. Will you be the last voice she hears at night before she goes to bed or the first voice she hears when she awakes? What little ways can the two of you stay connected on daily or weekly bases, while living apart? What creative ideas can you come up with for sending ‘I love yous’ to your girlfriend?

To not let your baggage cloud your judgment about your girlfriend, you’re going to have to work through these issues. Trust is a huge issue. The trust you had for her was based on the two of you living in the same city. Now you’re going to have to build trust for a long distance relationship. To start building trust let your girlfriend know how you feeling about her having moved away. Let her know what she can do to help you cope with all your feelings of insecurity. Ask her what you can do to support her in her new location. Together come up with ideas for staying in-touch and connected. Discuss how often the two of you will visit each other. I think you will find that as you express your thoughts and your feelings, a new kind of relationship will develop.

~~Lori

Differences Across the Miles

Reader Question

Dear Lori, I have been dating this guy for the past year. We were really close friends prior to that. We have always lived and worked in different places; the relationship, from the beginning, has been a long distance one. Lately, I am beginning to feel the pressures of sustaining a long-distance relationship. He is very engrossed in his work and worries a lot about completing his projects. He has begun to complain about our conversations on the phone--he is constantly reminding me that he "needs to get back to work." Sometimes, even when I travel to see him, he is wrapped up in his work and is not very emotionally present. Talking to him about his lack of engagement does not yield any results. He is very much a "doer"--he will do a lot for me; he does not think it very necessary to be emotionally present and available. He says that I do not understand and that I put too much on the line when it comes to our communication. He says "we are not married" and that we are still "two individuals with separate personal and professional goals." I feel like I miss him more than he misses me, and have more of a need for physical presence. After a month, I will want to see him; he thinks that we can always wait for a more "convenient" time. We are about a five hour drive from each other. He does not respond well to my requests asking him to visit. If I do bring up any issues with him, he will often get angry and instead of addressing the issue, he will refrain from communicating even more. There is such a long history between us that I do not really want to jeopardize this relationship. I honestly do care for him deeply.

~~Christina

Expert Reply

Dear Christina,

Maintaining a long distance relationship takes even more effort than a conventional relationship. What makes it harder are the many details that couples living in close proximity don’t have to deal with. Things like spending time together needs to be planned and scheduled; as a result there is little spontaneity in the relationship. The majority of communication relies on hearing rather than seeing your partner’s expression/emotion on his face. So when one partner is ambitious, say at work and the other partner is longing to be with him, miscommunication is inevitable.

Your boyfriend seems very committed to his job and his career. He sounds driven. At this time in his life he either has not or is not interested in learning how to balance his career and his love life. This is the opposite of you. You prioritize or are at least willing to prioritize romance over career. Each of you is approaching your long distance relationship from two very different perspectives. This would also explain why your boyfriend’s attitude toward your calls and your desire to spend time together is met with indifference and sometimes annoyance on his part. I don’t know if this is a change in your boyfriend’s behavior or if this has always been how he is. If this is a change, it may be the result of him being comfortable in the relationship and therefore feeling like he does not have to pay as much attention as he did when it was first new. On the other hand it could mean that he is no longer as in-love with you as he once was.

Realizing that the two of you are off balance in your commitment to the relationship can be very painful. The awareness can also be a blessing if you are willing to ask yourself a few tough questions. What do you think would happen if you were not the one to call during the day to let him know you are thinking of him? What would happen if you didn’t plan when the next time the two of you would get together? Would your boyfriend realize that lately you have been the one carrying the relationship? Would he change his behavior in order to keep you in his life?

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Knowing that you and your boyfriend have different approaches regarding career and romance means that things at this point are likely to not change between the two of you. This doesn’t mean he does not care for you or love you, it simply means that his personality is such that he will prioritize his career over time with you. So the bigger question is to ask yourself what it is you want in a relationship. If you are willing to stay in a relationship as it is, then you are going to need to accept things between you two are not going to change. If on the other hand, you are not willing to be in a relationship in which the level of commitment is not balanced, then it is time to end your relationship with this guy.

I would suggest that you have a conversation with your boyfriend and ask him about his priorities, preferably in person so that you can see and hear his response. This will help you to determine what you should do next. End the relationship, live with it as it is, or move on to someone who will balance career and romance.

~~Lori