Long Distance College Relationships

From LoveToKnow Dating

Long distance college relationships take a certain level of commitment and maturity. Check out this response from our dating coach to see if you have what it takes.

Navigating Long Distance College Relationships

Reader Question

Going into college, I had a girlfriend who was still a senior in high school. We had just started dating about 3 weeks before and we did not know each other as well I would I liked. We've known each other almost all our lives but never talked. Her brother and I are good friends, and our fathers are best friends.

I didn't trust her completely because Ii didn't trust myself completely. She never would have cheated but I got close. One night a female friend stayed over in my bed (she asked because her roommate was throwing a party and she said she could not sleep). I did not tell my girlfriend about it, I was scared she would dump me in a second. We broke up about a month later because it was too difficult for us to see each other. Neither of us was over the other. I tried to keep in touch in whatever ways possible, online, texts, whatever. We saw each other for two consecutive days because of family funerals and we started talking more. We shared how we still felt deeply for each other. Over those past 5 months or so, I felt very guilty about that one night when I let my friend stay over. I had a few panic attacks about telling her even when we weren't talking. We stopped talking so much because of the fact we still couldn’t see each other much again. It had been too long and I had to tell her what I was hiding, it was ruining my life. I honestly thought that she deserved to know, I thought it was the right thing to tell her. She erupted on me. She yelled at me via AIM as she had never done before, in fact I don’t think she ever showed contempt for me before like that. The following days were the worst of my life and I could barely live with myself.

I wrote her a letter apologizing and saying I didn’t expect another chance or forgiveness. I had a friend pick me up and drive me out to her house and I dropped the letter off in her mailbox. It seemed to help but I hurt her real bad. She responded via facebook (online) and so we went back and forth a couple times that way. With the letter, she kind of gave me another chance, but my response to her response kind of scared her off. She established that maybe somewhere down the road we can be together, but she wants to see other people for now. I know in reality that she doesn't know other guys and she is just really hurt. I care about her so much I really don’t care to be with anyone else. We've talked a little since then, but I think about this everyday, multiple times. This has changed my life. Recently, I've been thinking it would be the right thing to let her go, and leave her alone. I've been so selfish to expect a relationship from her. I can’t describe how difficult it would be, especially because I know she still cares for me. I don't know what to do.

-- Contributed by: Mathew

Expert Reply

Dear Mathew,

Going off to school and leaving behind loved ones is hard, but it is also part of the maturing process for growing up. Learning to depend on yourself and balancing studies with unsupervised socializing is also part of the learning that takes place. Learning from our mistakes helps us become the man or woman we desire to be. It is through forgiving ourselves that we grow.

You went off to school and tried to maintain a romantic relationship. This was difficult for both you and your girlfriend because each of you were not ready for the type of commitment that is required to maintain a long distance relationship. Long distance relationships take a lot of maturity because they require couples to behave as though they lived in the same town without all of the privileges that come with living nearby. It is reasonable with her in high school and you in college, this kind of self-sacrifice would be too much to expect. It is true that you knew each other almost all your lives, but that is not the same as being romantic for the same length of time.

By letting your friend spend the night in your bed, you were trying to be helpful. If you slept with her in the bed, you were being naïve and thoughtless to your current girlfriend. Naïve because you knew your intentions, thoughtless because you didn’t think about how the behavior would look to someone (your girlfriend) who is not mature enough to not get jealous. Your guilt comes from two places - one keeping the incident a secret and two from having a lack of wisdom. Wisdom is the knowledge one gains from learning life lessons. There are many lessons to be learned here, but the challenge is in forgiving yourself and learning from your mistakes in order to gain the wisdom.

I am guessing that part of your girlfriend’s hurt comes more from feeling foolish, jealous and betrayed. This is understandable on her part, but it is also a demonstration of her immaturity. She does not have the experience of going off to college. She does not understand the parties, friendships and helping out friends who are far from home. Likewise, she does not know how she would have behaved in a similar situation, she only knows how she thinks she would have behaved. This means you have to cut her some slack and realize that she too lacks some clarity and wisdom, which is only gained through life experience.

All this is to say that your behaviors, her reaction, your feeling lost, are all normal, natural and human. She needs time to grow and mature, as do you. Given that your families are so connected, it is likely that the two of you will have many occasions to run into each other. Rather than focus on "letting her go or leaving her alone," focus on giving her time and space to grow and mature and the same for yourself. Hold on to the idea that there is a future for the two of you, but not at this moment. Patience is the key and all good things come to those who wait.

~~Lori

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