Living with a Relationship with No Sex

From LoveToKnow Dating

Are you perhaps wondering why your partner is living with a relationship with no sex? There can be lots of reasons why someone may not want sex. Let this reader's question to our dating coach help you to better understand.

Living with a Relationship with No Sex

Reader Question

I have a close friend and we spent a lot of time together. We have had sex one time in our 20-year relationship, but he hasn’t asked for sex since. He does tell me that he still wants to have sex. What should I do? We spend time together but I do not know what is wrong. Do you think that he is attractive to me or he has someone else? He takes me anywhere I want to go and does everything for me, but then he says we are just getting the chance to know one another and understanding what each other likes and dislikes. Please help me because I really like this guy.

-- Contributed by: shyronica

Expert Reply

Dear Shyronica,

When you have been friends with a guy for 20 years and only had sex once in all that time, I would say there is another meaning behind his statement “we are just getting the chance to know one another and understand what each other likes are dislikes.” This sounds to me like you are the one who is missing the boat. There are two possibilities for your friend’s lack of interest in you sexually. The first is that somewhere along the line of your 20 years together, you failed to notice that the relationship moved off the infatuation level of attracting and onto the ‘we’re just very good friends’ road. While your friend may care for you and take you anywhere you want to go and does everything for you, he does not feel a chemistry connection. Your friendship and his level of interest are more platonic and like two very close siblings rather than like two lovers. Once a relationship gets on this path, it’s almost impossible to become romantic lovers. I think the reason your friend tells you he wants to have sex, is because he does not want to hurt your feelings or have you judge him negatively. This is why friends don’t make honest critics.

The other possibility is that your friend is keeping a secret about what type of person/gender interests him. This is either because he is wrestling with the issue himself or he does not feel safe telling you his truth.

Ask yourself, what is it about your relationship with your friend that keeps him from talking to you about this sensitive subject in an honest and truthful way. Explore ways in which you can create a safe space for the two of you to talk without being judgmental. You might say something to your friend like, “Over the 20 years we’ve been friends, it has occurred to me that it’s hard for us to talk about sensitive issues in an honest and straight forward manner. I’m wondering if you have had similar feelings as well? I would like it if we could have the kind of relationship in which it’s safe to tell each other things even though it may hurt the others feelings. Would you be willing to have this kind of relationship with me?”

After you have laid the groundwork for a safe space to be honest, you can bring up the subject of your friendship. Ask your friend to describe how he feels about you. He will either describe you in ways that sound like family or like a romantic interest. From there you’ll be able to explore the issue that has been on your mind.

~~Lori

Jealous of Co-Worker

Reader Question

Dear Coach:

I am married in a sexless marriage (1x/month). I used to get attention from women at work.

Recently a goober IT guy just got promoted and all the women go crazy over him. To me he is a goober. Fat, bald, no personality, looks like Hitler, and not very wealthy (except maybe this newfound income) and also married. I consider myself good looking, with personality, have beautiful home, pretty but overweight and sexless wife, and a wonderful son. I also went to law school.

I used to feel attraction from these women until this new goober. Now, I am treated like crap and practically ignored. They don’t care what I say or do. Whatever the new guy does or says is the best thing.

Why do all the women love this goober so much? And How do I stop thinking about this? It is ruining my marriage. My wife can’t stand me talking about and I feel very unattractive.

-- Contributed by: relationship

Expert Reply

Dear Relationship,

I am not making the connection between your sexless marriage and the man in your office who you refer to as ‘goober’. Why are you so obsessed with him? You sound as though you resent him and are even jealous of him. From your question, you sound as though you blame others for your problems. You blame your wife for the sexless marriage. You blame the ‘goober’ for the lack of attention you are receiving from the other women in your office. Rather than focus you how others have wronged you, I think it is time you focus your attention on what you have done to create the problems in your life.

Based on your question, it seems you have a very hard time taking responsibility for your behavior, preferring to blame others for your problems. Perhaps the real reason Mr. Goober is getting attention from the women in the office, is that he is a nice man. Maybe he cares about others and treats them with respect and kindness. Maybe this behavior is also how he treats his own wife and family. I would bet that he is not in a sexless marriage because he is willing to put the needs of others above his own. All wives appreciate this behavior.

I suggest you watch this man carefully to see what you can learn from him. He may have the answers to what you can do to improve your relationships in the office and in your bedroom.

~~Lori

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